Identifying Toxic, Destructive Communication and Behavior in Yourself and Others

00:01 In this lecture, we're going to be discussing a new social style system called the Enneagram that specifically addresses difficult behavior.

00:08 You'll start out taking an assessment to determine what number you are between one and nine. Then we're going to talk about the nine different compulsions that drive difficult behavior.

00:17 And you'll learn about the difference between aggressive, passive, assertive, passive aggressive behavior.

00:24 Let's start out talking about the Enneagram, a social style system that directly addresses difficult behavior and the compulsions that drive it.

00:34 The Enneagram is different from the other social style systems we talked about.

00:38 Remember when we were discussing whether you're a one or a two or a three or a four? The driver, the amiable, the analytical and the expressive those personality systems or social style systems have been around for about the past 50 years. And as I mentioned before, they're all very similar.

00:53 But the Enneagram, this is one that has been around for thousands of years.

00:57 This system had been passed on verbally until finally somebody put it down in writing, and now we're still using it today as one of the most effective personality systems that helps you address and conquer difficult, toxic behavior. The Enneagram is different from the other systems in that it is not specifically addressing or wasn't designed to specifically address all of your strengths and then your weaknesses.

01:21 It was designed specifically to address the reasons why we are difficult when we're difficult. There are basically nine compulsions that drive difficult behavior, that drive human behavior.

01:32 Now, by the way, you might see this system being used in pop culture these days where people will take it and they'll make it into more of a lighthearted system.

01:42 But don't be fooled.

01:44 This was intended and used specifically to figure out why are we difficult when we're difficult? Let's start out talking about the nine different numbers or the nine different compulsions.

01:56 We're going to assume that each one of us in the back of our mind has some phrase that we say to ourselves throughout the day, over and over and over and over, that drives all of our behavior.

02:07 For example, some people are thinking to themselves all day long, I am if I am perfect, I am if I am perfect, if I am not perfect, what am I? So the number one is the perfect compulsion.

02:20 I am if I am perfect.

02:24 What that means to us is if we find that somebody is a number one, knowing that in their mind they're thinking all day long, I am if I am perfect, I must be perfect. I must be perfect.

02:35 If I am not perfect, who am I? If I know that I can speak to that behavior before the difficult behavior manifests? For example, if I know that you're going around thinking, I must be perfect, I must be perfect, if I were to use a danger phrase with the number one, such as now that's good enough.

02:56 I'm asking for trouble because a number one, if they hear something that they did or if they hear something about themselves being referred to as good enough, they're going to think good enough, know that it's never good enough.

03:09 It has to be perfect.

03:11 Therefore, if you know that somebody is a number one, you can specifically address their difficult behavior or their compulsion so that it never manifests and never causes a problem.

03:21 What happens is we all have a compulsion and we'll talk about the other eight.

03:25 And when we feel as though our compulsion or our specific need that drives us through life is not getting met, then we start to exhibit difficult behavior. For example, let's talk about the number two.

03:39 The number two we're going to say, goes through life saying I am if I am needed, I'm needed, I must be needed.

03:46 And if I am not needed, I'll create a situation in which I'm needed.

03:50 Therefore, if I know, for example, that somebody is someone who needs to feel as though they are needed by others, I'm going to specifically address that and tell them things that say, I need you.

04:02 You're a valuable part of this team.

04:04 We all need you, because some of us, we've all experienced this where we realize that somebody we work with or we live with need something.

04:13 For example, they need to feel special as one of the numbers needs to feel, and we'll talk about that one. But many times when we are with someone and we sense, boy, you're needy or boy, you really think you're special, we tend to want to tell them, just so you know, you're not that special or just so you know, I don't need you.

04:36 And that is one of our top mistakes we make as communicators.

04:41 When we see a need.

04:42 Many times we specifically address the need, but in the opposite manner from how we should, so that people get unstuck and move along.

04:49 For example, if you're working with somebody and you recognize, boy, you really feel the need to be needed around here.

04:56 Many times we specifically try not to need them.

04:59 But what will happen is if they don't feel that their compulsion is being met, they're going to keep doing things.

05:05 You're going to keep doing things.

05:07 I'm going to keep doing things until I meet the needs of my compulsion as savvy communicators. If we know that and keep our ego aside now, that's a big deal. We all have an ego that drives us through life.

05:19 Our egos just say different things.

05:21 And if your ego says, for example, Hey.

05:25 Make sure to tell them that you don't need them or make sure to tell them that they're not so special.

05:30 What's going to happen is we won't be able to achieve our communication goal because the other person is going to be busy fixating on.

05:37 But wait a minute. I must get that need met.

05:39 I must. I must. I must. I must.

05:41 And while they're thinking that, while their self-talk is going because remember, our self-talk tends to run at about 800 words per minute, all day, every day.

05:49 If that's blocking the message from getting through, well, then we've sabotaged our own success simply by trying to feed our ego and let somebody else's ego know you are not so special. So as we talk about these different numbers, keep in mind we all have one. And you will be taking an assessment to figure out exactly what number you are. For example, the number three, the number threes go through life thinking I must be successful, I must be number one.

06:14 If I'm not number one, I'm going to do everything it takes to be number one.

06:18 Now, of course, as I talk about these compulsions, I'm going to exaggerate them because there are healthy levels.

06:24 For example, if you have recognized that you have a need to be perfect, you've worked through that because all difficult behavior that bothers us is not about the other difficult people. It's always about us.

06:36 So if you have recognized, Boy, that's my compulsion and you somehow worked through it so that it's not driving your difficult behavior so that it's not extreme anymore, that's great.

06:46 Most of us haven't gotten there quite yet.

06:49 Therefore, we need to address what it is that's driving our compulsion so that we can try and work through whatever it is it brings up in us.

06:58 And if you're working with somebody, for example, who's a number three and they feel the need to always be number one again, many of us feel the need to tell them, just so you know, you're not always number one.

07:11 However, if we are going to be savvy communicators so that we can get past people's compulsions, get them unstuck, so to speak, so that we can deliver the message, that's really the goal. Try telling people if you recognize they're number threes, boy, you are number one. You're the best.

07:27 What we really want to do is once we realize what other people's compulsion is, you want to make sure that you're addressing it and saying, Hello, I see you. Remember this.

07:39 On a molecular basis.

07:40 On an atomic basis.

07:42 On a genetic basis.

07:44 Things behave differently if they believe that they are seen if we see them. And what I mean by that is in a laboratory, for example, we have now discovered that if you are looking at molecules and atoms as they move, they move and behave differently than if you are not looking at them.

08:05 And we'll talk about that experiment in another lesson.

08:08 However, I know that on any level, the way things communicate, it's going to be the same on every level.

08:15 And I know that if I look at molecules and atoms, they're going to move differently than they would if they felt as though they were invisible.

08:24 And people are the exact same way.

08:28 If we believe that we are invisible, if our needs, if something in us is feeling as though it's not being seen, it's not being recognized, it's going to behave differently until it finally is satisfied that yep, I have been seen.

08:42 If you are the person who makes sure that those around you don't feel invisible because we have an epidemic of invisible people in the planet. And when people feel as though they are invisible, when they feel as though their needs aren't getting met, whatever's inside of them that drives their behavior both good and bad, is not visible, is not being seen.

09:02 They're going to behave in a certain way, generally a negative way, until they feel as though finally somebody saw me.

09:09 So if you want to speed up the process so that you can quickly get to the goal.

09:14 I see you.

09:15 I see you and your compulsion.

09:17 You are visible to me.

09:19 If people around you believe that they are visible, that you see both the good and bad in them, but you see them, people will behave very differently.

09:28 And that's true on any level.

09:31 Therefore, if you're working with a number four, remember the number fours are those who go through life thinking I am.

09:39 If I am special, I must be special, I must be different, I am unique.

09:42 And if I am not special, what am I? Therefore, if you're working with a number four, let them know you are different.

09:49 You're special.

09:50 Number fives, for example.

09:52 They're going through life thinking, I must get information, I must get more information.

09:56 I don't know enough about this.

09:57 I can't take action until I have more information.

09:59 And when you're working with a number five, for example, many times they're the ones who, if you're working on a project with them, will say, wait, wait, wait, I need more information before we begin.

10:10 And we sometimes get frustrated with people who are always gathering information, or when you ask them a simple question, they give you a lot of information.

10:19 Again, we simply need to recognize, Oh, I get it.

10:22 If you're giving me a lot of information, it's because you're really trying to honor me and give me what you think that you need.

10:28 Therefore, what I'm going to do is honor you and I'm going to give you what I now recognize. You need information, maybe patience, but I'm going to let you gather the information you need, and maybe I'll simply help you get started a little quicker.

10:41 Then we have our number sixes.

10:43 The number sixes are the ones who are loyal.

10:45 What that really means is I follow the rules.

10:49 I'm part of the team. I'm doing things the right way, and I'm trying to make sure that everybody else is right.

10:54 You're following the rules.

10:55 And many times, if we're working with a number six, we want to break the rules and force them to break the rules.

11:01 For example, protocol means a lot to a number six knowing, for example, can I eat in this room? What time am I supposed to be here? What's the protocol? And if you know what the protocol is, where you are, and follow it around the six, they're more comfortable. They know what it is and they follow it.

11:19 Number sevens are those that want to project the image of a happy person.

11:23 Everything's okay.

11:24 I'm good. I am happy.

11:26 I am. If I am happy, I bring light and sunshine wherever I go.

11:30 You never see me upset.

11:31 And if you say something around me like We need to talk, I will vanish.

11:35 Therefore, with the number seven, for example, many of us, when we're working with people who are always happy, they're always happy.

11:41 We somehow want to peel that away so that we can show them and prove to ourselves You are not always that happy.

11:48 However, again, if instead of doing that, I take the savvy communicator route and acknowledge, Boy, you're always a ray of sunshine, aren't you? That will help me again get through to them more quickly because I'm addressing their compulsion. I'm saying I see you and they get unstuck.

12:04 That will happen.

12:05 Then of course we have our ates.

12:07 Our ates are powerful.

12:08 They go through the day and through life thinking I am.

12:11 If I am powerful, I must be in power.

12:13 I must be powerful. I'm in charge.

12:15 I must be in charge and show people I'm in charge.

12:17 Therefore, if you're working with an eight, when we are not thinking, we tend to want to tell them things that send a message that says You are not the boss of me.

12:26 However, if we are a savvy communicator, we'll recognise, oh I get it.

12:31 You're always feeling the need to control, to be in charge.

12:34 You want to demonstrate power every place that you go.

12:37 All right, then I will tell you, you're the boss.

12:39 You're the boss of me.

12:40 And when you hear that, when your compulsion has been satisfied again, then you'll be able to move along.

12:47 Because we all have a need.

12:50 You have a need. And when you feel as though your need isn't getting met, that's what we tend to focus on rather than whatever the task may be at hand.

12:58 But when we tell other people, I see your need, I'm addressing it, then people again get unstuck and all of a sudden you'll notice people functioning more normally when they believe that they're safe with you, that they're seen with you, their needs are getting met with you.

13:14 For example, the number nine, the number nine are those who go through the day and go through life saying, I am peaceful, everything is good, my vibe is good. I am if I am peaceful and if I'm not peaceful, I may cease to exist. Therefore, when you're around a number nine, don't try and shake things up.

13:33 The number nines are those who tend to have a quiet vibe.

13:37 They tend to have gentle footsteps.

13:39 And many times my brother, for example, who's the number eight? He's a number eight. He likes things to shake up.

13:45 He likes to cause a commotion where he goes.

13:47 He likes to be seen and heard.

13:48 He's a powerful person.

13:50 So when he's around a number nine, he likes to shake it up and drag the number nines into his party.

13:59 Number Nines don't like that and he likes watching them as they are uncomfortable being dragged into things that are not peaceful.

14:07 And while sometimes it can be entertaining for us to recognise somebody's compulsion and then poke at it and make people a little bit crazy by telling them You're not perfect, you're not needed, you're not successful, you're not special, you are not so smart.

14:21 You are not following the rules.

14:23 You're not so happy. You're not in charge of me.

14:25 And we're going to have a party right here.

14:27 However, now that we know, if I can learn to recognise the compulsions, address them, let you know that need is getting met here.

14:36 You're safe. I see you then.

14:39 Those with whom I work, and sometimes, more importantly, with whom I live, are going to feel satisfied and safe.

14:46 And then we can address the real issues, whether that's work or feelings or whatever it is. When we're not focusing on our compulsion, we can focus on the people that were with.

14:57 So now it's time to take out your assessment.

15:00 You will have an assessment where you'll be asked a series of questions and you'll answer them honestly. And when you're done, you'll find out what number you are, if you would like, by the way, to have everyone at work take the Graham assessment, that's a good idea as well. And you can use the same tools that we talked about when we talked about the four social styles so that when you know everybody else's compulsion and speak to that compulsion, it facilitates communication just as when you know their social style or their working style.

15:26 So now it's time to stop and take your assessment.

15:29 So by now you should have taken your assessment and found out what number you are.

15:33 And it probably, as you took the assessment, gave you a good idea of the types of things that go through other people's minds as they're going through the day.

15:40 Because you might have seen some statements and thought, no, that's not me.

15:44 I wonder which number that is.

15:45 So taking assessments, even when you simply find out what your number or your letter or your type is, it helps us understand other types no matter what assessment it is, because you start to see the thoughts that go through other people's brain, wouldn't you say? Speaking of the thoughts that go through other people's brain, we are all by nature thinking more passive thoughts or more aggressive thoughts on the communication continuum.

16:11 Let's say that over here is passive communication.

16:14 Passive communication, to summarize, is basically when you communicate in a way where you are not even satisfying your own needs, you're not speaking up for yourself and getting your needs met.

16:25 That's passive.

16:26 Then we have aggressive communication.

16:28 And aggressive communication is communication where the other people with whom you communicate feel as though you are stomping on their needs to satisfy your own needs. So how, as professional communicators, do we find that middle ground between passive and aggressive communication? That middle ground that's called assertive communication? Well, first we have to know what it is.

16:52 Many people that come into a difficult people seminar that come into a class about difficult people or aggressive behavior will tell me.

17:01 I don't know what it is about the people I work with.

17:04 They think that I'm aggressive.

17:05 That's why I was sent here. But I'm not aggressive.

17:07 I just tell it like it is.

17:08 I work with a bunch of babies.

17:09 That's the problem. And the problem that many of us face is how can I feel as though I'm getting my needs met? We all have needs that's going through our brain.

17:18 How can I get those needs met while not being perceived as aggressive? And especially women struggle with this issue more than men.

17:26 Women tend to have different labels put on them when they ask for what they want in a professional manner. A woman can say the same thing as a man, but a man and a woman tend to get different labels.

17:37 How can you, as a woman or as a man or as a professional, make sure that if you are called to task, if someone calls you on your behavior, how can you be confident that you were engaging in assertive behavior? For example, if your boss calls you into the office and says, hey, we need to talk about what happened in the boardroom the other day when you said this to this person.

18:00 When something like that comes up, when you're called on your behavior, how can you remain confident that you are communicating in a professional, savvy manner? First of all, know what assertive communication is.

18:12 Assertive communication is communication where you honor yourself and you honor the other person at the same time.

18:18 And it's clear, direct, honest communication.

18:22 That does not, however, mean that we say what's in our brain.

18:25 You know, some people will say, I just tell it like it is.

18:28 I have to speak my mind.

18:30 I need to speak my mind.

18:31 I need to tell you what I'm thinking.

18:32 Right. That's that's my obligation to myself.

18:35 No. You know, many of us have taken the filter that we should have between our thoughts and our mouth, and we set it aside for different situations that suit us. However, if we do our cost benefit analysis before we speak, remember, a cost benefit analysis is simply where you ask yourself, what's the price I may have to pay for what it is that I'm trying to get? And what is it that I'm trying to get? Is it worth it? You know, many people do not do that cost benefit analysis.

19:07 For example, people will come to me and they'll ask Dan, can you tell me how can I tell my wife that she talks too much over dinner or Dan, can you tell me how could I tell my boss that he needs to use a breath mint? And frequently when people ask me, how do I say this to that person so that they're not offended? But I tell them what I need to tell them.

19:32 Many times the answer is going to be, Don't tell them that.

19:36 What's the benefit of telling somebody, for example, that they need to take amend so you have fresher air? What's the benefit of telling your spouse something such as You talk too much? Well, you might have more silence over dinner.

19:47 What's the price you might pay? You'd hurt them.

19:49 And when I ask myself during many situations, okay, what do I want here? What would the price be? The price may be I would hurt your feelings by saying that.

20:01 Is that worth it? Is it really ever worth it? I can choose, for example, to be kind, or I can choose to be right.

20:07 I can choose to be kind, or I can choose to be effective.

20:11 The choice is always going to be yours.

20:12 But make a choice.

20:14 Don't just react to situations first thing into the brain, first thing out of the mouth.

20:17 And assertive communication is simply honest, clear, direct communication that honors the other person and honors yourself.

20:24 And the savvy communicator knows to do a cost benefit analysis before delivering a message where they question the message and remember that any message you send, you can send it in a kind manner.

20:37 And if you can't figure out how to send a message in a kind manner and deliver it in a way where the person with whom you're communicating sees what the benefit is, then don't deliver that message until you can do just that.

20:50 And let's not forget about passive aggressive communication.

20:53 People use the term a lot, but many people aren't really clear as to what it is.

20:56 Passive aggressive communication is where you are aggressive in your intention, but you are passive in your delivery.

21:03 For example, I might put you on hold and then go have a cup of coffee so that you can remain on hold suffering.

21:10 But I'm not being upfront about making you suffer.

21:14 I might be nice to your face and then go slash your tires in the parking lot.

21:17 That's passive aggressive communication.

21:22 And now that we've discussed passive aggressive, aggressive, assertive communication and the nine different compulsions, let's review what you've learned in this lesson you learned about the Enneagram social style system, the nine different compulsions that drive human behavior and how to recognize them, as well as what your compulsion is.

21:38 And you learned what passive aggressive communication is, what passive communication is, and what aggressive communication is so that you can avoid those styles and instead be assertive.