Communicating like a Leader

00:01 In this lecture, you will learn more advanced, assertive communication techniques that you'd use when you want to be seen.

00:08 You want to be heard, but you have to walk the line between assertive and aggressive communication. So we're going to talk about situations where you need to do things such as disagree with somebody in public without being seen as disagreeable.

00:22 Where you need to maintain the floor when someone's trying to rob it from you and when you need to be seen as a player in your organization.

00:30 And that one is going to be incorporating visual tactics as well.

00:36 First, let's start off with talking about situations where somebody at work, for example, might be trying to aggressively steal the floor from you. It could be in a personal situation as well, but most of us know what it's like to be at work.

00:53 And let's say that you have been given the Florida meeting and you have to describe a proposal that you have or talk about an answer that you have for some problem that you're facing at work.

01:02 And while you're presenting your idea, while you're in the midst of your presentation, someone tries to steal the floor from you.

01:10 They interrupt you.

01:11 What do you do? We have to think quickly in these situations.

01:15 What's the first thing that the average communicator says when someone tries to interrupt him or her? Think fast. What do they say if you said I'm sorry or excuse me, you're absolutely right.

01:28 The average communicator, when someone tries to interrupt him or her, the first words that fly out of their mouth are words such as, I'm sorry or excuse me. Don't ever say that.

01:40 Make sure to put that on the top of your danger phrase list.

01:43 If a situation that you frequently deal with is you try to maintain the floor when someone tries to aggressively take it from you.

01:51 So what do we say? How do we react or respond when someone tries to take the floor from us? If you notice, there is a very specific pattern of behavior that assertive communicators who are able to maintain the floor when someone tries to rob them of it, use those three parts you're going to learn so that if you need to use this tactic, you'll have it ready.

02:18 And remember, this is a tactic that you want to do your cost benefit analysis before you use it.

02:24 For example, if my grandmother, as I was talking about before, if she wanted to rob the floor from me, if I were talking during dinner and my grandmother interrupted me, I'm going to let her do that.

02:36 If my boss tries to interrupt me during a meeting, I'm going to let her do that, especially if they're the same person.

02:43 However, if you are in a situation, as we discussed before, where the goal is not to make the other person feel good, the goal is to maintain the floor.

02:53 The way to do it most effectively is by implementing these three steps. Number one, we already talked about eliminating the.

03:02 I'm sorry, I'm not finished yet.

03:03 Excuse me. Could you let me finish? That's done. Number one is you want to make wide eyes and tilt your head forward.

03:11 So if you watch people again who are effective at maintaining the floor, when others try to rob it from them, you'll notice that body language is key.

03:22 We are born with the ability to interpret other people's body language and we are born with the ability to send the correct signals on a subconscious level, meaning we're much more effective at sending the right body language signals when we're not aware of it. When when we are telling the truth, we tend to do that.

03:41 When we are holding something back, we tend to do that.

03:44 What are the body language signals that people send when they're telling somebody else, You're not taking the floor for me, I'm going to fight for this territory? What are the things that they do with their body? Again, I'd like you to think about dogs and how they communicate with one another, because the signals that dog send are very similar to the signals that human beings use. For example, when a dog is being aggressive, when you're approaching or encroaching in his or her territory, what do they start to do? They start to tilt their head forward and they look straight at you in the eyes.

04:18 Right. That's step number one.

04:20 Want to make wide eyes and tilt your head forward.

04:22 Step number two, you want to use a stop gesture? What's a stop gesture? Think about, for example, a traffic officer.

04:31 What do they do when they need to tell a car to stop? That is the universal stop gesture.

04:37 Now, if you're like me and you watch these judge shows on television, there's one judge in particular, Judge Judy, if you watch her, who's really good at maintaining the floor.

04:47 Nobody interrupts her twice.

04:48 And if you ever get a chance to watch Judge Judy, you can watch her on YouTube.

04:52 You can watch her on Netflix, many different channels.

04:55 When someone tries to interrupt her, she's the most effective anti interrupter I have ever seen. She's also the most aggressive communicator I have ever seen.

05:03 So I'm not saying that I recommend communicating like her, but I'm going to take this from her when you try to interrupt her.

05:11 Here's what she does. I'm speaking and she gives you a karate chop.

05:15 Eyes wide, head nod, the whole shebang.

05:18 And she's the most effective anti interrupter I've ever seen.

05:22 If you can take things from people who are effective at what they do and implement them in your style, you can get the same results without necessarily being so aggressive. And remember that the universal stop gesture is this. And remember that when you deliver a message such as the anti interrupter body language is much more important than any words that can come out of your mouth.

05:46 So in this instance, the body language that we've been describing, eyes wide, head nod, forward, stop gesture, that's over half the message that we're sending over half.

05:57 So it's important that we focus on those things because that is going to have more of an impact as to whether or not you're successful than anything else.

06:05 And now that we've covered those two things, head not eyes wide and a stop gesture, you want to number three, use an anti interrupter statement. We've already discussed what not to say.

06:18 There are only two options for what you can say.

06:23 Option number one, I'm speaking or I'm talking.

06:27 Option number two, I'm still speaking or I'm still talking.

06:31 That's it. When you watch people who are effective anti interrupters, here's what they do. They're talking and talking and someone tries to steal the floor.

06:40 And because they practiced it without missing a beat, they will say, I'm speaking, and then they'll keep speaking without stopping.

06:45 And if the person tries to do it again, they'll simply without stopping, without missing a beat, they'll keep talking and they'll say, I'm still speaking.

06:52 And then they'll keep speaking.

06:53 And what you'll notice is that person to whom they're delivering the tactic will do one of these.

07:00 Oh, geez. Okay.

07:01 And they will feel as if someone just slaps them in the face with their communication tactic. But what you'll notice is the people who are watching, for example, I'm not delivering an anti interrupter for the interrupter, I'm dealing it for the audience. For example, I want my boss to see I want my coworkers to see.

07:20 I want the competition to see.

07:22 You can't just take the floor from me like that.

07:24 I'm a more savvy communicator than that.

07:28 And when you can deliver a strategy such as the Anti Interrupter, so that when someone tries to interrupt you, I'm speaking and then you keep speaking, watch, they will say, Oh geez, how rude.

07:38 But your boss or the people you're trying to impress will say.

07:42 Did you see that? And they will notice that person is a skilled, savvy communicator and they will see it for what it is.

07:50 You're not the aggressive communicator in these types of situations and the ones that are coming up when you need to assert yourself and maintain the floor, that's assertive, not aggressive.

08:01 And remember to if you must keep going, if there is for some reason, if that person does not stop after the first one or the second one, use the broken record.

08:12 You simply keep saying with body language tilted towards that person, eyes wide, head forward, stop gesture.

08:19 You keep saying, I am speaking, I am still speaking, I'm still speaking.

08:23 And that will maintain your position on the floor.

08:27 And your position is a savvy, polished communicator.

08:31 And now I'd like to talk about another difficult communication situation where people struggle finding that fine line between aggressive and assertive communication. You need to disagree with somebody.

08:43 How can you do that? If you need to really prove your point that you are not on board? You do not see this the same way that the other person sees that.

08:52 How can you express your dissent without being disagreeable and without being seen as a complainer or negative? Simple. We're going to discuss some simple power phrases, danger phrases and tactics to help you disagree without being disagreeable.

09:09 So let's start with that simple phrase.

09:11 I disagree.

09:12 You might have learned to say things such as, Well, I respectfully disagree or let's just agree to disagree.

09:22 Those are all fighting words.

09:24 And you know what I mean when you say when I say fighting words, because if I were to say to you, I respectfully disagree or let's just agree to disagree, what do you instinctively want to do right now? Fight with me, right? That's because when you say the phrase I disagree, or especially I disagree with you, it's going to cause the brain to release the chemical that it releases during fight or flight.

09:49 It's going to make the person to whom you say that want to either run real fast or literally punch you.

09:56 So we don't want to use that phrase.

09:58 All that's going to get us is more trouble.

10:00 What if you heard people say those savvy communicators that you know when they want to express to somebody else, I disagree with you and I want to go on record that I disagree with you, but those who are able to do it in a savvy, polished way, what do they say? That's right.

10:16 They tend to say, I see it another way or I see it differently, or I simply have a different perspective.

10:24 When you talk about not whether or not you agree or disagree with somebody at all, because that is always going to hook them sometimes in a positive way, sometimes in a negative way with you.

10:35 If instead, you simply talk about the way you see it, that changes the entire message. Watch.

10:41 For example, if I were to say to you, Yeah, I get what you're saying, but I disagree. Or if I were to say to you, I understand, I can appreciate why you would see it that way.

10:53 I simply see it differently.

10:54 But this is interesting. Go ahead.

10:55 Tell me more. Totally different.

10:58 So if you change from talking about whether or not you agree, meaning whether or not I'm going to validate the thoughts in your head, I'm going to validate your brain and you instead talk about the point of view you have.

11:09 The way you see it, you will get a totally different reaction from the person with whom you're communicating and along those same lines.

11:17 Let's say that somebody asks you to justify your opinion, or if you're in a situation where somebody has a great idea and you want to say, that's a good idea, or that's a better idea than the one I heard a moment ago.

11:29 How can you do that? Tell somebody that maybe you have a better idea.

11:33 You just heard a better idea without being negative about the first idea that someone talked about.

11:40 Or if you're going to say to somebody, I have a better idea than you.

11:43 How can you do that without creating that hostile, toxic environment in the brain, which is going to get you more trouble than you want? Simple instead of saying the word better at work, for example, I think that's a better idea.

11:58 Or I may have a better solution.

12:01 Or Hmm.

12:02 That's a much better route to take.

12:04 The word better shouldn't be used that often at work.

12:07 Instead, say why you think something is better.

12:11 Use catch phrases that they're using at work if you can possibly do that instead of the word better. For example, let's say that your company is a very customer focused company.

12:22 When you think that somebody has a better idea or when you believe that you may have a better solution to a problem, when you can say instead of, I think I have a better idea. You say something along the lines of, I believe I may have a more customer focused solution.

12:38 Totally different message, right? Or if I were to say, Yeah, I like Marty's idea better.

12:45 If instead you were to say, I believe that Marty's idea is a more cost effective one. Which person would you be more likely to side with? The person who says, I think that's a better idea? Or the person who says, I believe that's a more customer focused solution.

13:00 The answer is clear.

13:01 It's the one who uses the right verbal pattern.

13:05 And before we move along from the topic of how to be seen as assertive without crossing the line into being seen as aggressive, I'd like to talk about meeting strategies so that when you are in public, at work, when you're in a group of people, when you are at a meeting, you can be seen as visible.

13:22 You can be seen as a player in your organization without being labeled as cocky. There are three things three tips that I'm going to give you so that you can maximize your time in company meetings as time that will be spent boosting your professional image.

13:40 Rule number one Choose your seat wisely.

13:43 The average person, when going into a meeting, chooses a seat based on where they would feel most comfortable.

13:49 Don't do that.

13:51 We want to choose the person that we want to be most visible to and then choose our seat based on where that person sits.

13:59 For example, think about your boss or your future supervisor or somebody that you want to recognize you.

14:08 You want to be seen by this person.

14:10 And not only do you want to be seen by them, you want to be seen as a player who contributes in your organization.

14:17 Let's say that they are seated at the head of a table.

14:21 Where do you sit? If you thought or said I would want to sit to the right of that person, you're correct. You may have noticed that human beings naturally line up to the right of the person that is above them in the chain of command, so to speak.

14:40 For example, if you watch any talk show on television, the conductor or the person who is in charge of the show is generally looking to the right to speak to the person who is their invited guest.

14:53 There's something about when you put a leader on a stage, on a platform, at a table, and you ask the people that they lead to congregate close to that leader.

15:05 If you ever do that, watch how you will notice that people tend to congregate to the right where if that leader looks up into the right, that's where they are.

15:13 There's something instinctively wrong with sitting to the left of somebody who is your superior.

15:20 How many talk shows have you seen where the talk show host is looking over his or her left shoulder and speaking to the guests? It doesn't happen because there's something that just seems odd about that.

15:31 And there's a reason why we call somebody who is on our team our right hand man or our right hand woman, because there's something about being at the right hand of your leader that seems natural.

15:44 And if you strategically sit so that when the person who you want to be visible to or want to be noticed by looks up into the right.

15:52 If you sit right there as close to that spot as you can possibly get, you will be seen more often. If you sit more to the left, you will be more invisible to that person.

16:03 And remember, there may come a time in your career development where somebody who is a decision maker is going to be on the fence.

16:09 Should they give you the contract? Should they give you the job? The more visible you are to that person in a positive way, the better the odds that you will get that contract, that job, that promotion.

16:20 The second thing that you want to do is once you have chosen your spot wisely, bring your meeting tools. Number one, you want to bring a meeting's notebook, and that is a notebook that has the word meetings clearly written over the cover.

16:34 There's a couple of different reasons why we would want that particular notebook.

16:37 Number one, because when you walk into the meeting, you want to be holding the meetings notebook so that everybody can see it, and you're walking in looking prepared to do business. Now that meetings notebook can remain blank the whole time you work there, as long as you send the message as you come in to and leave from meetings that you are there to do business.

16:55 And if you have notes to take or things from the meeting, they all go into that meetings notebook. Number two, you want to bring a yellow legal pad and you plunk that yellow legal pad down in front of you on the table.

17:08 There's a reason why we want to do that.

17:10 And you might be saying, Well, I already have a meetings notebook.

17:13 Why would I bring a yellow legal pad? Well, you don't write in your yellow legal pad.

17:17 That's just for looks.

17:19 The meetings notebook is what you would write in.

17:21 That's where you'd keep things in.

17:22 But the yellow legal pad, when you put it in front of you, what that does is it? Goes Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep like a beacon.

17:31 And it draws attention to you if you're sitting behind it.

17:34 And remember, that memory is connected with yellow.

17:38 Yellow improves our memory.

17:41 There's something about the color yellow where you remember when people used to always use highlighters that were yellow.

17:47 I mean, now we have pink highlighters.

17:49 We have orange highlighters.

17:50 We have blue highlighters.

17:51 When highlighters started, they were all yellow.

17:54 When Post-it notes started all yellow.

17:57 When legal pads started to take notes that you have to remember later on.

18:01 All yellow.

18:02 Why? Yellow is the color of memory.

18:05 It helps you remember things when those things are in yellow, bathed in yellow, connected with yellow.

18:13 Therefore, if you sit behind a yellow legal pad, not only will you be seen, more people will remember you at the meeting.

18:20 And number three, sounds simple, but you want to bring a pen or pencil.

18:24 Number one, because you may use it and you want to appear to be prepared like you're there to do business. And number two, because if you ever say during a meeting.

18:34 Oh. Do you have a pen? That one phrase just lost you all credibility in front of anybody who saw you say that.

18:40 With those three things, you're.

18:42 You have a good start.

18:44 However, what we're going to do now is talk about how we transform those objects into much more than a yellow legal pad or a meetings notebook.

18:56 When you plunk that yellow legal pad down on the table in front of you, or when you place that meeting's notebook on the table, what does it just become? It has become what we call a territorial marker.

19:09 And when you take the time to set things down around you where you are and basically mark your territory, it sends a message to everybody there, I'm comfortable, I belong here.

19:20 And that's going to make them believe that you belong there.

19:24 For example, think about at home.

19:26 When you come home, at the end of the day, do you, like many of us do come home and you take your things and you neatly stack them underneath your chair.

19:34 You take your jacket and you place it someplace where it isn't taking up space.

19:38 You hold your drink in your lap.

19:39 You neatly place things in front of you on a table.

19:43 We don't do that. We come home and we kick our shoes off.

19:46 We throw some things on the table.

19:48 We throw our jacket over the edge of the chair.

19:50 That's in some ways what we should be doing at meetings.

19:54 But you'll notice that many people come in and they try not to take up too much space.

19:58 They place things around them so that they don't intrude in the space of others that are sitting around them.

20:04 Don't do that. Bring extra things with you into meetings and place them in front of you on the table. Move the chair back, make yourself comfortable and you will send the message just like the other players in this organization.

20:16 I belong here and I'm going to behave as though I belong here.

20:20 Then that will make other people think you belong there and you will be seen as more of a player in your organization.

20:27 So in this lecture you learn specific strategies that are going to help you the next time you need to be assertive without being aggressive specific situations such as when you need to maintain the floor or disagree with somebody.

20:40 You also learn specific strategies that will come into play when you need to do difficult things such as disagree with somebody or debate with them.

20:47 And finally, you learned specific strategies that will help you visually project the image of a player and someone who contributes in your organization without being seen as cocky.