Becoming a Principle-Centered Communicator

00:01 In this lecture, you'll learn the principles behind the tactics.

00:05 You'll start off learning where the power is in any relationship and how you can direct that power. How to recognize when you see a pattern in your relationships, and then what to do about it and how to identify what key elements are really missing in your relationships and what you can do about that.

00:21 Let's start out talking about the power in any relationship.

00:25 There are three principles that are really behind all of the tactics in this program. Principle number one, I am in charge of every relationship in my life.

00:36 I'd like you to repeat that after me.

00:38 You ready? I am in charge of every relationship in my life. Say that again.

00:46 I am in charge of every relationship in my life.

00:49 One more time. I'm in charge of every relationship in my life.

00:54 The reason we want to keep that principle in mind is because frequently when I ask people if they come in to a session or if they come into a seminar, so what's the problem? What brings you in here if it's a managing difficult relationships type of seminar? And most often people come in and they start saying, Well, the reason I'm here is because my boss XYZ or because my spouse blah, blah, blah, or because you know this customer, yadda, yadda.

01:19 And now I got sent here and we basically tend to blame the other people in our relationship for the problems in our relationship.

01:27 I'd like you right now to stop and think about the most difficult relationship that you have or some relationship challenge that you're constantly facing, or maybe just a big challenge that you're facing right now.

01:39 Stop and think about that and write down in the materials that came with this lecture or on a separate sheet of paper, why the problem exists.

01:50 Why are you having this challenge? Because how would you finish that sentence? Now, chances are if you're like most of us, you wrote down something along the lines of, well, I am having a problem with Mary because she won't stop backstabbing me at work or I'm having a problem with my spouse because they just don't really treat me the way they used to. But when we are honest with ourselves, we can admit that the truth of the matter is, if we have a problem in a relationship, it's because of us. Right? What I'd like you to do now is take out the same worksheet or look at the same piece of paper where you wrote down because.

02:28 And then you wrote down the reason why you believe you're having a problem in one of your relationships.

02:33 And I'd like you to now write down the lead in line or starter phrase.

02:37 We'll be using lots of those in these lectures because I.

02:41 And then finish the sentence if you don't already know what you're doing to contribute to the problem in that relationship.

02:48 Think of something that maybe maybe you're doing, for example, because I haven't learned to communicate effectively with this person yet, because I haven't paid attention to where this relationship is going.

03:01 And now we're at a crossroads because I what if there is a contribution that you may be making to the downfall of that relationship? What do you think it may be? So jot that down now.

03:12 And when we do exercises such as the one you just did, when you're having a challenge with someone, a communication problem, maybe it's just in one instance or maybe it's in the entire relationship.

03:22 When you're trying to work through that and you're thinking about the reasons the problem may exist, if you can use more often the lead in line because I because I because I you know how your thought patterns affect your speech patterns, right? When you think things they tend to fly out your mouth if you think them all the time.

03:41 What sometimes we don't realize is how our speech patterns affect our thought patterns.

03:46 And if we are thinking to ourselves, Oh, you know, I'm struggling at my work because my customers are this way and my boss is this way and the economy is this way. We tend to have that victim mentality, and it does seem to be that all of a sudden, the more we think it, the more the universe conspires against us.

04:04 But if we can retrain our speech patterns and our thought patterns to always recognize this is about me, this relationship is my relationship, and I am in charge of every relationship in my life.

04:17 Therefore, it can only be something that I'm doing.

04:21 So this relationship is breaking down or my I'm struggling in my job or I'm struggling in this conversation because I what and if we start to use that verbal pattern more start our sentences with because I it's empowering because the only way we can empower ourselves to fix situations in our lives is when we first of all recognize we are the cause of every breakdown in every relationship in our life.

04:48 Having said that, when we need to talk to others about what's bothering us or when someone does something and we want to bring it up right there, how can we properly say that in a way that doesn't disempower ourselves and lets the other person know clearly and assertively meaning? I'm going to tell you upfront and honestly what's bothering me? How can we do that in a way that's effective while not making it about someone else? For example, let's say that you're at home with your spouse or with a best friend, and they do something that bothers you.

05:21 For example, they say that they are going to take out the garbage and you watch the garbage man as he or she drives past your house and doesn't seem to stop, then you realize, well, that's because the garbage was never taken out.

05:32 You want to address that right there? How do you do that without disempowering yourself? By saying something such as? You know, you really make me mad when you say you're going to do something and then you don't. When we use the danger phrase that makes me, you make me, it makes me.

05:49 And we'll be talking more about keeping a danger phrase list.

05:52 When you use phrases such as those, it makes me.

05:55 That makes me, you make me.

05:56 I'm giving away the power right there.

05:58 I'm saying that is making me something.

06:00 You make me angry when the truth of the matter is when we get angry because of a difficult person or difficult behavior, what they're doing, it's not about that behavior or them. It's about us.

06:11 It's about things that it brings up in us that makes us angry.

06:14 It has nothing to do with the other person.

06:17 How you communicate with me that is about you, how I react to it, how I respond to it, how I communicate back with you.

06:24 That is all about me.

06:26 Every word that I speak is simply a testament to the person I believe.

06:30 I am nothing more.

06:31 So if I need to express myself in a way that is not about you, because it's not about you, it's about me. I can use the hamburger and you can do its simple, clear and effective.

06:42 Here's how it goes.

06:44 Repeat this after me.

06:45 When you. I feel because.

06:49 Do that again when you I feel because.

06:53 One more time when you.

06:54 I feel because.

06:57 When you can clearly express how you're feeling when somebody does something in, for example, a hamburger, verbal pattern, people hear it, they respond to it, it affects them.

07:10 When you instead use the wrong verbal pattern, such as that makes me, it makes me.

07:15 The other person tends to speed up his or her self-talk and start to argue with you, at least internally.

07:22 Meaning if I were instead of to say something such as.

07:26 You know, it makes me so mad when you say you're going to do something like take out the garbage and you don't saying that is going to speed up the self-talk in the other person. So they're going to start thinking something along the lines of, What do you mean, I make you mad? I don't make you mad, you make yourself mad.

07:39 And they're going to start thinking things that they would not think.

07:41 If I instead use a more effective verbal pattern, such as when you tell me you're going to do something like take out the garbage and then you don't.

07:49 I feel frustrated because I love you and try to do what I say I'm going to do for you.

07:54 When you say things like that, people will look at you as if.

08:00 I'm so sorry. And then you'll think that's what I was looking for.

08:03 This whole time I was looking to get through to you the way I was feeling, but it just wasn't getting through. We weren't connecting.

08:11 And remember that when you don't connect with somebody else, that is about you.

08:14 If you have a message that other people don't seem to understand, it's not up to other people to learn to understand our message.

08:21 It's up to us to learn to get through to other people.

08:24 And that's really what this entire course is about.

08:27 We're going to be talking about different ways to alter our speech patterns so that we can more effectively communicate and connect with other people.

08:35 But we have to remember, it is up to us to navigate our relationship. And you'll hear me sometimes refer to our relationship as if it's singular, and that's with a big R, because really we're going to be talking about how it's all the same relationship.

08:51 And when you have a relationship that seems to be going off course or a conversation that seems to be going off course, many of us get stuck verbally. We don't know what to say when we want to say, Hey, I don't like what's going on here in this conversation.

09:08 Some of us, when we're in a conversation that gets difficult, we'll say, I just don't want to talk about it anymore and we'll leave.

09:14 If we do that, if we cut off a conversation or a relationship because it's bringing up things in us that's frustrating us and we get angry and cut it off.

09:23 What happens is it just pops up in another relationship, right? You can't do that.

09:27 You can't ditch a relationship, ditch a job, ditch a person, ditch your situation without having it come back again.

09:34 You have to work through it.

09:35 And if I need to work through a conversation, work through a relationship, you need to navigate those and you don't know how to express yourself.

09:44 Just remember in the situation, navigational phrases.

09:47 Navigational phrases.

09:49 For example, when you're in a car and the car goes off the road, let's say that you're teaching someone to drive.

09:56 You're in the passenger seat.

09:57 The car slides off the side of the road and you think, Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, we didn't get back on track.

10:02 What might you say to the other person? You know, stop.

10:05 You need to change direction if you find that you're lost, as we are in many conversations or many relationships, what would you say? I think we may need to stop here and regain our focus.

10:16 Maybe we need to back up.

10:17 We might need to change directions.

10:19 We seem to have taken an unfortunate turn, and I believe we should stop here.

10:23 When you learn to speak as though you are navigating a vessel like a car or a ship, and recognize that's the same type of verbiage that I can use when I'm navigating a conversation or a relationship.

10:36 What happens is, as you're saying, those things, people recognize that as language that savvy communicators tend to use.

10:44 Therefore, they will pay attention to it.

10:45 And it paints a visual picture in the mind of the person with whom you're communicating. Therefore, it's more effective because we are visual communicators. In addition to that, remember that when you want to communicate with someone in an effective way, that generally means that you're going to be deliberate about what side of the brain you're apologizing to. And we talk more about this in upcoming lectures.

11:11 But basically there's the left hand logical side of the brain and there's the right hand emotional side of the brain.

11:17 The left hand is where we keep facts and figures.

11:21 We do math equations.

11:22 You keep language there.

11:23 Remember, l is for language left hand side of the brain.

11:27 Then we have the right hand side of the brain where we keep creative thoughts.

11:31 That's where we do our conceptual thinking, emotional thinking.

11:35 And when you want to specifically speak to the right hand side of the brain, because maybe you want to touch somebody's vagus nerve which runs from there to there, and it's what we feel when we feel emotional.

11:45 Or you might want to get someone out of that side and speak to the logical left hand side of the brain, which draws them out of the emotional side of the brain.

11:54 How do you know how to speak to which side of the brain? We have to know the difference between emotional language and factual language.

12:01 When is it appropriate to speak emotional language or factual language? When you need to make that personal, emotional connection? Or what I would be calling the PEC, you need to know how to do that, right? For example, when you are being deliberate in your communication and you know, all right, this is an occasion where I should speak to the right hand side of the brain or the left hand side of the brain.

12:21 That's a huge step for most communicators.

12:23 But then we need to know how to do it right.

12:27 I'm going to be giving you several tips that will help you deliberately speak to one side of the brain or the other.

12:31 The first is the apology, because we frequently have to apologize to people. It's something that comes up in business a lot and in our personal lives.

12:39 And look at the difference when you use tactical language to apologize to somebody. Most of us make the mistake of saying when it's time to apologize, something such as, I'm sorry.

12:52 That should be at the top of your danger phrase list, because I'm sorry, is something that we say when we aren't really sorry.

12:58 First of all, and when people hear us say I'm sorry, people tend not to really have a reaction to that.

13:05 I mean, now we have all of these machines that you can hook up to a person's brain and you can monitor involuntary bodily responses such as brainwaves that respond to language. Everything we say to somebody has an involuntary bodily response attached to it. When I use certain words, feel good.

13:21 Chemicals get released in your brain.

13:23 When I use other words, feel bad, chemicals get released in your brain.

13:27 And if I am more deliberate in my communication, for example, when I need to deliver an apology, I can be more effective at reaching the person the way I'd like to reach them in on an emotional level, because I'm aware what side of the brain I'm speaking to and how to do that.

13:43 For example, with the apology, instead of saying something such as I'm sorry, or even worse, by the way, sorry about that, which basically says to the person, I'm not sorry, try this.

13:56 These three steps for apologizing are step number one, use the phrase, I apologize.

14:04 Sounds simple, but if you keep a danger phrase in power phrase list, what you'll notice is you'll stop those times when you were about to say I'm sorry and recognize so many occasions that it's totally inappropriate and you won't say anything at all. For example, if someone bumps into you at the grocery store instead of saying I'm sorry, as most women do, you'll be more apt to stop and say nothing, which is what we should be doing and waiting for the other person to apologize to us.

14:32 So saying the actual phrase I apologize at the beginning of your apology sounds simple. It's critical.

14:38 And it's step number one.

14:40 Step number two is that I what I mean by that is many people will say, hmm, I'm sorry if I said something that offended you or I'm sorry if you were inconvenienced.

14:53 And that is the opposite of an apology.

14:56 What that says to somebody is, Hmm, if you were really inconvenienced, I would apologize, but I'm not convinced yet.

15:04 So instead, when we say I apologize that I, for example. That I kept you waiting, that I said that in front of our friends, that I turned that project in late, that I didn't complete the goal that we had agreed to.

15:19 That I didn't do what I said I was going to do.

15:21 And then once you've done that, I apologize that I then you want to give the real reason why you did what you did.

15:29 And that starts with a because I statement.

15:32 We use a lot of different lead in lines in here.

15:34 As you probably have noticed, we've used a few already and lead in lines help you start they help you get the message out at the beginning so that then we can fill in the blank at the end and it will be easier and it will sound more effective.

15:46 It'll have more of an impact on the other person.

15:48 For example, lead in lines like these three lead in lines.

15:51 I apologize that I because I are going to help you say the apology the correct way instead of saying, for example, I'm sorry if your feelings were hurt, if we said instead or I'm sorry that I didn't do what I told you I was going to do, it's just because I was being selfish and thinking about me rather than us.

16:13 When we say things like that, people hear it because we're picking the right verbal patterns that activate the right part of the brain.

16:20 But it's not natural for us to do that.

16:22 That's why we have to learn communication skills.

16:24 If it was natural, they would call them communication talents.

16:27 But you know, these issues we have to address using things like lead in lines and hamburgers, they tend to come up again and again and again and again.

16:35 Right. Even if you think, for example, that you quit a job because of something that was going on there and instead of working through the issue, you quit the job or you were with somebody who was bringing up something in you and you terminated.

16:50 So you thought that relationship.

16:52 Ever notice how it comes up again in the next person that you have a relationship with unless you work through it? Why does this keep happening? Because we have patterns that we experience.

17:03 Each one of us has an individual unique pattern that we see pop up again and again and again and again in our relationships, both personal and professional. Why does this happen? Let's talk about that.

17:17 Starting with principle number two.

17:19 There really is only one relationship.

17:22 And we want to keep this principle in mind whenever we communicate, because we tend to separate our relationships.

17:30 We tend to say, for example, oh, my boss, that's one relationship, my spouse.

17:37 Oh, that's a totally different relationship, my children.

17:40 That's totally different.

17:42 And the person at the grocery store.

17:43 Oh, that's that's a unique relationship.

17:46 And the truth of the matter is, while they might be different forms of our relationship, it's all connected.

17:53 Right? There is one common link in every relationship we have.

17:57 Right. What's the common link, you or me? And to be an effective communicator, we must first realize there's only one relationship here. There's one big relationship.

18:08 There are different dimensions of it.

18:10 But if I am so arrogant as to separate this person from that person and basically say this relationship is more important than that relationship, therefore I'm going to give this important relationship the better side of me that I'm going to give that less important relationship. If we do that, we're never really going to be able to develop as quickly as we could or reach our potential as if we realized that there's only one relationship going on here. And when we realize why relationships break down, we will be able to overcome the things that come up in us when we recognize difficult behavior, when we have a difficult relationship.

18:49 Those things in us that difficult people or challenging relationships bring up, that has nothing to do with the relationship or the people.

18:59 When we recognize those and we recognize these things keep coming up because I'm in one big relationship and it's about me, the two big things we've discussed so far. Now we can do something about it.

19:11 And here's the first thing I'd like you to do.

19:13 Write down on the page that came with your resources.

19:17 A relationship that you're struggling with or a particular instance that you're struggling with. A person, a conversation, a situation.

19:26 What's something right now that you're thinking about where you think, Oh, I can think of a challenge, Mary She's the challenge.

19:32 Or, Yeah, I can think of a big challenge, this with my spouse or this with my kids or this with my boss.

19:41 What's something big in a relationship or a relationship you're struggling with? Write it down and then write down the reason why you think you're struggling in that relationship.

19:53 Ready? Go.

19:56 Now I'd like you to think.

19:57 Really think.

19:58 What do you believe is missing that is causing these breakdowns or that is attracting these difficult people? What do you think is missing? What's the key element? For example, if you're struggling, dealing with your spouse, maybe you believe that the key element that's missing there is love.

20:18 They just don't love you like they used to.

20:20 Maybe it's your boss and you think that the key element, what's causing this breakdown? Respect.

20:26 If they disrespected you a little bit more, that would fix things.

20:30 Think about what the elements are that are missing.

20:35 OK you've got them. Now let's move along to principle number three.

20:40 And principle number three is and I'd like you to repeat this after me.

20:45 The only thing that could possibly be missing is what I'm not giving.

20:51 Repeat that. The only thing that could possibly be missing is what I'm not giving. When we recognize the things that are missing.

21:02 So we think in our relationships, for example, if you think in my personal relationship, boy.

21:09 I believe that my spouse isn't loving enough, isn't romantic enough.

21:14 I believe that my kids, they are not respectful enough.

21:18 I believe that my friends, they're not attentive enough.

21:21 I'd like you to think about your personal relationships and some issues that you struggle with and what you think those things are that are causing the breakdowns.

21:29 Is it respect or trust or love or whatever? Then in your professional relationship, think about a few of those, the challenges that you have. What elements do you think are missing that if they were there, would heal the rift, would make the relationship better? And think about, for example, the relationship you have with yourself, because there's really only three categories of relationship.

21:52 It's the trinity of relationship, so to speak.

21:54 You have a relationship with your maker or the universe or whatever you think is the source and makes you up.

22:03 You have a relationship with yourself.

22:06 You're talking to yourself, and then you have a relationship with everyone else on the planet. We're basically always communicating with and thinking about and talking to ourselves, everybody else.

22:18 And then this invisible force in the room, whatever you call it, those are the three things. What do you believe is the missing element that would heal the relationship that you have with yourself? I mean, when you talk to yourself, what do you think could make you stronger, the relationship that you have with yourself? Is it that you're missing confidence? Is it that you are missing maybe self love? Or is it that you are not caring for yourself, making time for yourself, respecting yourself? What is it? Then ask yourself, what am I hoping for? If I actually could infuse my relationship with this thing.

22:53 If I could infuse my relationship with my spouse with more romance.

22:57 If I could infuse the relationship I have with my boss with more respect.

23:01 If I could find the self esteem that vanished five years ago and put it back into my relationship that I have with myself, what would I get out of that? So ask yourself, really, what are these key elements that are missing? Then once you have done that, you might be thinking to yourself, Well, that's really the thing is they should be more respectful.

23:22 My boss should respect me more.

23:25 My spouse should be more romantic with me.

23:28 My children should respect me more.

23:31 My friends should be more loyal and stop talking about me.

23:35 We tend to once we have determined what's missing in our relationships, we tend to assign other people the task of infusing our relationships with that missing thing.

23:45 But we're not going to do that because we're going to be effective instead of thinking or saying things like, they should be more romantic.

23:54 They should really show me more respect.

23:56 Replace that with a lead in line.

23:59 I will be more romantic with them.

24:01 I will be more respectful with them.

24:04 I will do whatever it is that's missing.

24:06 Because when you do that, when you do what we have just talked about now, the three principals, when you keep them in mind and you recognize, all right, I'm going to stop those ineffective, useless, verbal and thought patterns that say things like, this is your fault.

24:23 You should do this if you would just do that and I'm going to replace them with.

24:28 I recognize I am in charge of this relationship.

24:32 There really is only one relationship here.

24:35 And whatever I think is missing.

24:37 Not only am I the only one who can infuse my relationship with the missing element.

24:43 I'm the only one who will and I can.

24:45 Therefore, it is up to me to heal these relationships, steer these conversations, and get what I want based on what I do.

24:53 When you realize those things, those three principles, this is me, it's all the same and I'm in charge. That is what being a principal centered communicator is really all about. In this lecture, you learned how to establish power, who has it in any relationship, and how to direct that power using things like navigational phrases.

25:11 You learn how to recognize patterns in relationship, what they really mean.

25:16 And once you can do about it, once you've recognized the patterns and you've identified what key elements may be missing in some of your relationships, and who the only person is who can infuse your relationships with that missing element.