Mastering New Verbal Patterns

00:01 In this lesson. We're going to talk about how using the verbal patterns that you've been learning is going to change, not just the way others perceive you, but it's going to change your thought patterns and how the world perceives you.

00:12 We're going to talk about how to take the duct tape and magic phrases and use them in a way that always projects power and confidence and poise.

00:21 And we're going to talk about how to speak with more confidence and power in brand new situations that you're not yet familiar with.

00:27 So you're always ready.

00:29 Remember that we've been talking about duct tape tactics.

00:31 Duct tape tactics are tactics that you can use in a variety of different circumstances.

00:36 What I'd like you to start doing is paying attention to who we consider to be powerful, professional, for example, well paid communicators.

00:45 Look at politicians, for example.

00:47 Look at radio show hosts.

00:50 Look at people who interview others on television.

00:53 Watch their verbal patterns.

00:54 And notice the duct tape tactics that you've now learned and how they use them.

00:58 For example, if there is a political debate, you'll see politicians say things such as, let's say that one politician says to another, Well, Joe, what do you think we should do to solve the health care crisis in this country? And the other politician responds by saying something such as, well, John, I can appreciate that maybe my opponent feels that socialized health care is the best route to take. And maybe some of the viewers are watching this at home have felt the same way in the past. However, I have not found that this will work for our country.

01:25 And let me tell you why.

01:27 When you see that now, you'll know what they're doing.

01:30 When you go into a store such as Best Buy, if you have a Best Buy or if you go into any major department store that invests in communication training, which, by the way, you'll notice as soon as you walk in the door, you'll notice that the people who sell you merchandise will use things such as the feel, felt, found.

01:47 You know, I went into Best Buy, which is a place where you can buy televisions and electronic goods. And I said to the young man who was selling me a radio, I was looking for a car stereo.

01:56 I said, Yeah, I think I want this one.

01:58 It's on special. And he says to me, Well, I can understand why you might think that that's the best radio for you.

02:05 And a lot of the customers who came in here today, they thought the same thing.

02:08 But after I showed them the one that's on special, they found that it was really best for them, the one that I showed them.

02:14 And what I'm showing you now and I think if you can just give me a chance, you'll see that as well. And I was like, Oh, you did not just give me the feel.

02:21 Felt found. You're 14. How did you know how to do that? And when you start to pay attention, you'll notice all of the different ways that you can use the verbal tactics to remain in the response mode, to overcome objections, and to simply place yourself in the category of those successful, highly paid communicators.

02:42 And the biggest difference between a successful communicator and a not so successful communicator is that one who is considered to be a powerful, successful, savvy communicator is one who, as we discussed, is always in the response mode.

02:56 They respond rather than react.

02:59 So let's talk about how the brain influences our responses or our reactions and what we can do about it.

03:06 We have talked about the brain, but it can't be overemphasized.

03:10 The role that the brain plays in our communication, the role that the chemicals that the brain is releasing plays in our communication.

03:17 Remember that every word you speak and every phrase you use has a direct chemical effect on the brain in the person with whom you're communicating.

03:25 We're always communicating on a conscious level.

03:28 On a subconscious level, on an atomic level.

03:30 On a genetic level. On a molecular level.

03:32 Did you know that if you're sitting next to somebody, your genes communicate with the genes of the person that you're sitting next to? Not your genes pants, your actual genetic makeup communicates with other people's genetic makeup.

03:45 For example, have you ever sat next to somebody and you just feel that there's a connection there? You know, you just feel like, I don't know what it is, but I'm attracted to you.

03:56 Genes look at the genes of the person next to whom you're sitting and say, Hmm, you have immunities to diseases that I don't.

04:03 If we got together and made another person, they would have a stronger immune system and they want to be together.

04:08 We are always communicating on so many different levels and we have very little control over a lot of it.

04:15 We're starting to learn more and more about how the brain works and the chemical process that occurs and how we can actually control it.

04:22 For example, did you know that you can actually release phenylethylamine Which is the love drug in other people's brains so that when they're around you, they'll think, woof.

04:33 I don't know what it is about you, but I like it.

04:35 Mm hmm. You can do so much with the brain of other people if you just learn a few tactics.

04:43 So what we're going to talk about is why that happens, how that happens, and how we can have more control over it than the average person.

04:49 You ready? We talked about our danger phrase list and power phrase list.

04:54 You should always have that handy because that alone is going to change the brain chemistry of the person with whom you're communicating.

05:02 For example, if you're in a position where you need to get somebody to sign a contract, when you give someone a contract to sign, what is the average communicator say when they hand someone a contract and ask them to sign it? What are the verbal patterns they use? Chances are just now, when you thought about the process involved in getting someone to sign a contract, you thought of the words contract and sign, right? The average communicator, when they give someone else a contract to sign, they'll say things such as, All right, all that's left to do is sign the contract.

05:32 Here you go. And what do people do at that moment when you're given a contract to sign? What do you do? Chances are you stop and you read it right.

05:41 What's the last thing you want other people to do when you give them a contract? Stop and read it right.

05:46 You just want them to sign it and give it back.

05:49 How can we get that result more often? How can we get people to sign things, do things, think things more often than the average unskilled communicator? I'll show you. Sometimes the words we choose can make or break any message. For example, the word contract, the word sign.

06:08 Those words have a negative effect on the brain of the person with whom you're communicating. They cause they actually start a toxic chemical reaction, just as if I were to use words like murder, death.

06:20 Just hearing those words made you cringe right now.

06:23 Right? Oh, when we, for example, watch the news.

06:26 The news most news channels have a very, very specific strategy to hook the viewers and actually make them addicts to the news.

06:37 Because when you listen to something negative, when you watch something negative, and if you watch the news, it's all negative.

06:43 That creates such a strong chemical reaction in your brain, albeit a toxic one, albeit a negative one.

06:49 It makes you feel something.

06:50 And in this age that we're in, human beings more than ever before in human history are craving feeling something.

06:57 And we're going to be talking about that.

06:58 But a news station, for example, keeps putting negative things out over and over and over again because it creates a powerful chemical reaction that we become addicted to and people literally become negaholics.

07:10 And, you know, these people that you work with that no matter what's going on, they always have something negative to say.

07:16 You sit next to them, you feel bad.

07:18 And then there are some people who you sit next to and you feel good.

07:22 The way we can change our verbal patterns to be that person that other people feel good around is by using a danger phrase and power phrase list like that.

07:31 For example, the next time you need to get someone to sign a contract, if you were to use the words instead of sign a contract, if you were to call the contract paperwork an agreement, and if you were to ask somebody to authorize it, how different is a message when you were to say instead of, All right, I just need you to sign the contract and we're ready to go or I'll write.

07:54 All this left to do is authorize the agreement.

07:57 People love to authorize agreements.

07:59 They love it. They feel important.

08:02 It's as if when we say to somebody words such as contract and sign, we're saying to them, we need to talk, right? Nothing good has ever come after that.

08:11 Choose your words wisely.

08:13 For example, when you are meeting somebody, I'd like you to imagine right now that you're meeting me for the first time.

08:19 All right? So I'm walking up to you, and I say hi, and I put up my hand.

08:24 If you thought or if you physically actually said hi, my name is and then ended the sentence with your name put my name is on your danger phrase list.

08:35 Why? I'd like you to think about who you consider to be powerful, accomplished, successful, savvy communicators.

08:42 How would they introduce themselves? They say things such as, Hi, I'm Dan O'Connor.

08:48 Or Hi, I'm Oprah Winfrey.

08:50 Whoever it may be.

08:51 When we say to somebody, Hi, my name is, we're telling them, this is the label that was given to me.

08:58 That's what I'm called.

08:59 But I don't think a whole lot of myself yet.

09:02 So I'm just going to tell you what my label is.

09:04 If we instead say, Hi, I'm so-and-so.

09:07 Or on the telephone, for example, Hi, this is so-and-so, rather than my name is so-and-so. What you're telling people is, this is what I've become.

09:15 I'm more than a name.

09:16 I am Dan O'Connor or your name.

09:20 So when you change little things like that within the first 30 seconds of meeting people, you can change their entire impression of you with one phrase that could tip the scales, so to speak.

09:31 And remember, once we make an impression, when we meet somebody, we don't want to fancy ourselves poor judges of character.

09:38 So once our subconscious makes that impression, we're going to look for things to back it up. And most people aren't aware of or paying attention to small verbal patterns like my name is or contract and sign.

09:52 Now that you are, you're going to have a totally different impact on the brain of those with whom you communicate.

09:58 All right. Think fast.

10:00 In a previous lesson in module one, we talked about the power phrase to use instead of You Make Me, that makes me or a hostile question such as why would you? Why were you thinking? What were you thinking? What is the three part verbal pattern that we would use instead of one of those danger phrases? I'll give you a hint.

10:19 We called it the hamburger.

10:21 Go. Right.

10:24 Chances are, even if you remembered the hamburger is.

10:28 What is that? It is. What is that? Remember that. It's when you.

10:31 I feel because that's it, right? You're probably thinking, oh, that's it.

10:36 That's an easy verbal pattern.

10:38 Why did it not become immediately accessible when I asked you for it? Well, because our brain isn't used to quickly accessing that information.

10:46 What can we do so that when we're in these situations where we need to impress upon somebody that we're credible and powerful, we need to impress upon somebody that they can trust us. We need to relate to somebody in a way that gets through to them.

10:58 We need to tell somebody how we're feeling in a way that they listen to and understand and actually change the way they behave.

11:05 How can we access the information that lives in the left hand side of the brain when by nature of needing it, by nature of being the moments where we need it the most because they're emotionally charged.

11:16 Those are the moments where it starts to slip away.

11:19 How can we more easily and effectively and effortlessly access those words and use them? Let's talk about how to work with the brain.

11:29 All right. I'd like you to hold up your hands like this, like you're making the Spock from Star Trek.

11:35 If you're driving, don't do this.

11:38 You ready? Ok If right now you're struggling getting your fingers to do that. It's not your tendons in your hands.

11:46 If you're like this right now, it's not your hands.

11:49 It's your brain that's not used to doing this with your fingers.

11:52 So practice it every now and then and I'll tell you why.

11:54 But take, let's say, 3 minutes a day and do this with your fingers.

11:59 But this isn't the end. Keep them up.

12:00 Keep your hands up. Once you get your hands to do this easily, then do this. Oh, look at that. Oh, okay.

12:07 And I'll put them back. Oh, look at that.

12:09 Okay, do it again.

12:10 Oh, and you want to get to the point where you can do that with your fingers and it will become very easy.

12:17 Then what you want to do is once that becomes easy, and I'm just talking about 1 to 3 minutes a day, do something like this.

12:24 We'll talk about other things you can do as well.

12:26 But I want to make it easy.

12:27 Here you go. Once it becomes easy, put one hand like this and one hand like this. Do that and I'll do this.

12:35 Oh, now do it again.

12:37 Yeah. You ready to do that? If you can just do that for a moment.

12:43 It's getting difficult. Just a moment.

12:45 A day. What you'll notice is it becomes easier every day becomes a little bit easier.

12:52 No, I'm starting to palsy up when you can get to the point where you've actually trained your fingers to do that.

13:00 Guess what you have done? You have created new fibers in your brain.

13:04 You have created new wrinkles, new tissue in your brain.

13:06 We have learned so much about the brain in the past 30 years.

13:11 If you look at the history of brain research and what we've been able to learn, how the brain works and what's really going on in there.

13:18 Almost every single thing we've learned, we've learned in the past 50 years, most of what we use and learn these days, we've learned in the past 30 years.

13:28 We're just beginning to learn how the brain works.

13:30 And one thing we've recently learned is you can actually grow new brain tissue just as when you go to the gym.

13:37 If you exercise your muscles, they grow.

13:40 They expand. They start to take a different shape.

13:43 When you do that with your fingers, it actually starts to change the shape of your brain. It connects the different hemispheres together, and that's what we call hemisphere synchronization.

13:55 When you can do that, you are synchronizing the two hemispheres of your brain when you read a book. You're synchronizing the two hemispheres of your brain when you play the piano. That's hemisphere synchronization.

14:06 One last thing I want to show you to help synchronize the hemispheres.

14:11 And we'll talk about why is if you ever watch a if you ever watch a square in Mexico.

14:18 I'm from Fargo, North Dakota.

14:19 But I spend a lot of time now in Guadalajara, Mexico, and in small villages, probably in other countries as well.

14:27 But in Mexico, you'll notice that the square has a gazebo in the middle of it and there are people walking around in a clockwise pattern right around the gazebo.

14:39 Do this with your finger as if you have an imaginary little gazebo in front of you.

14:43 And what you'll notice is in the small towns, the girls go in this direction and then the boys go on the other direction around them, and they all look at each other as they pass one another.

14:55 So take your finger now and go around the opposite direction from the finger that you have in front of you.

15:02 I've not yet mastered that one, but when you can do one finger in one direction clockwise and the other finger in a counterclockwise fashion, it's easy. One at a time.

15:12 Try doing it the same time that when you can do it, synchronizes the hemispheres of your brain.

15:18 I'm working on it. We'll get there together.

15:20 There are many different things that you can do to help those two sides work together.

15:25 But what about when you want one side to work alone? What about when you want to say, Hey, wait, I'm getting too emotional here.

15:32 I need to calm down myself.

15:35 What do I do? What you need to do for yourself when you want to calm down, for example, is, first of all, not use the danger phrase calm down, but we're going to be talking about hemisphere switching.

15:48 So knowing this about the brain and how it's difficult to get both sides to work together, what happens when we find ourselves in these communication situations where it's emotional, but we need to draw upon the left hand side of the brain because that's where our effective language patterns live.

16:06 What do we do when you practice these communication tactics? You can have them ready in these situations.

16:13 But when you couple practicing these communication tactics with synchronizing the two sides of your brain, you will be much more likely to have them ready when you need them and make the emotional connection that you're probably wanting to make in these moments. Because we'll talk about in other lessons how when we're dealing with difficult people, difficult situations, we do not want to make the common mistake that most people make of trying to shut off the emotional side of the brain and speak just from logic. For example, you probably had somebody when you call up, let's say, a credit card company or a bank or a utility company, and you're upset.

16:49 And that customer service representative starts off by saying things such as, Well, sir, could I get your account number, please? And they try to disregard your emotion and they speak just a logic.

17:00 What do you do? You tend to want to think or say, Hey, you have not yet paid attention to me and my emotions and my needs.

17:09 We're not going to do that.

17:10 We're going to take a more whole brained approach to communication.

17:13 And we're going to talk a little bit now about, let's say we're in a difficult emotional situation.

17:19 Somebody is attacking me verbally, somebody is assaulting me verbally.

17:24 It's making me emotional.

17:26 But I want to speak in a tactical way so that I can overcome the situation.

17:31 The right side of the brain is activated, emotional.

17:34 I need to draw upon this side of the brain so that I can finesse my way through this situation. How can I do that? We've already talked about synchronizing the brain.

17:42 How can I synchronize it with my mouth? When you learn simple lead in lines, it helps you access the tactics that we've been talking about and use them in these emotional situations where you need to also take a logical approach.

17:55 For example, we're going to talk about clarifying questions.

17:59 Remember all questions, have names.

18:01 We have tag questions that we have talked about.

18:03 We have open ended questions.

18:05 The ones that start out with tell me about we have closed ended questions that require a yes or no. We'll talk about many questions.

18:12 Spotlight questions, black light questions, clarifying questions.

18:16 Sound like.

18:18 John, when you say I looked prepared in today's meeting, it sounds like what you're really saying is I didn't look prepared.

18:25 Is that what you're saying or.

18:27 John, when you say that you liked my idea, it sounds like what you're really saying is you did not like my idea.

18:32 Is that what you're really trying to say when you ask somebody a clarifying question? There's basically two parts you want to repeat in a general sense what they said. But remember, when you repeat what somebody said, that's different from backtracking. Remember that backtracking in a communication course such as this is going to refer to when I repeat word for word what someone has just said to me.

18:56 That's not what we need to do here.

18:58 When you are asking a clarifying question, you just need to paraphrase or generally say what the person just said to you.

19:06 And by the way, these are wonderful for those of us who are dealing with passive aggressive communicators at work, people who tend to insult us in an underhanded way, people who aren't really clear with their intentions, which are, by the way, aggressive.

19:21 How do we get somebody to be clear and upfront with their intentions, which takes away their reward, stops negative behavior without being negative ourselves? How do we do that? Remember that most of us fall into the trap when somebody engages in aggressive behavior or passive aggressive behavior with us, most of us fall into the trap of, Oh yeah, well, I will be even more aggressive with you or more passive aggressive with you.

19:47 But remember, you cannot illuminate a room with more darkness. You can't take a negative object in in a laboratory and create a positive charge with more negative energy.

20:01 The only thing that illuminates a room is light.

20:04 The only thing that can positively charge a negatively charged object is positive energy. You cannot end negative behavior with more negative behavior.

20:13 It does not work.

20:14 What you can do, however, is illuminate the situation.

20:18 Shine light on to the person with whom you're communicating.

20:22 Force them to be clear and upfront with their communication while doing that yourself. While being assertive.

20:29 Remember that assertive communication is basically clear and upfront, honest communication that creates a win win situation.

20:38 And if somebody is being passive aggressive with you, it's very difficult for us to find the words right, especially if tactical communication is new to you.

20:47 That side of the brain that's being activated draws you right out of where your words are. However, if you can just have a simple lead in line, are you trying to, for example, say that out loud with me right now? Say, are you trying to say that? Okay. Say it again. Are you trying to.

21:07 One more time. Are you trying to? Now, it seems really simple to say right now when we're watching this lesson together.

21:15 Are you trying to insult me? Are you trying to say you didn't like my idea? But watch when you need it.

21:20 Those words are difficult to find.

21:22 Just the other day, I experienced what you may have experienced, where I had an emergency situation, and I grabbed the phone and I could not dial the number.

21:30 For the life of me, I had to really hemisphere switch so that I could deactivate that right hand side of the brain and remember just how to use the phone.

21:38 You know what I'm talking about? So when you have the situation present itself to you where you can use one of these tactics, are you trying to or ask a black light question? How important is that to you? It seems simple now. It's not that simple.

21:53 Have the verbal patterns ready.

21:55 Practice them hemispheres synchronize and it'll be easier for you to find them and actually say to somebody, remember the two parts? Step number one, repeat what they said.

22:05 John, Mary, when you say XYZ, step number two, it sounds like what you're really trying to say is A-B-C.

22:13 And then ask a simple confirmation tag question.

22:16 Am I correct? Is that right? Is that what you're trying to do? Remember, when you do something like that, you are taking away rewards because it's not fun for anybody and you are not engaging in the behavior.

22:28 That's one way that you can take a more whole brain to approach to communication during difficult situations.

22:34 If you practice another way is by label planting.

22:38 Remember that we've been talking about our brain and the role that it plays in communication, but when a customer, for example, meets us within the first 30 seconds, a customer is going to decide, Are you capable of meeting my needs? Are you professional, are you credible? All these things they're going to determine within 30 seconds.

22:57 And we missed so many opportunities to plant the idea in other people's brains that we're credible, we're capable.

23:04 This is going to be a good experience.

23:06 This is going to be fun. This is going to be pleasurable.

23:08 I'd like you to think right now about the words that you would like your customers to associate with you or your coworkers to associate with you.

23:18 If people were to describe you, what words would you like them to use? Or if people were to describe your department? If you're doing this for work, what words would you like people to use when describing your department? Go. Think of three.

23:37 Okay. Did you get three words? What I'd like you to do now is think of the opportunities that you have to plant those words in conversations, for example.

23:47 Let's say that people thank you for things.

23:52 People may frequently throughout the day say things to you such as, Hey, thanks for your help. What do you say as a response to that? If you just thought or used the phrase no problem or not a problem, remember to write that right at the top of your danger phrase list.

24:09 When you use the phrase no problem or not a problem that does many different things that sabotages our communication success.

24:16 Number one, it tells people on a subconscious level, I have not yet invested in my professional communication development.

24:22 Number two, it tells people you really are a problem, but I'm going to say no problem so that you'll feel better and you'll actually feel worse.

24:29 And number three, it does nothing to help us with our professional image. If, however, you use a simple situation like saying you're welcome to label plant.

24:41 Remember that label planting is a specific strategy used by many Fortune 500 and other companies to tell their customers what to think of them.

24:51 What that means is if a customer calls you up on the telephone and says, Hey, thanks for your help, if instead of saying No problem, let's say that you wanted people to think of calling you and your organization or your department as a pleasurable experience.

25:06 If you were to simply say, It's been my pleasure.

25:09 The more often you plant that word, you know, like let's say that somebody is calling you up and saying, Can you connect me with Crystal Dixon? And you were to say instead of sure, I'll put you right through.

25:21 If you were to say, Oh, I'll connect you with pleasure, or it would be my pleasure to connect you. If you simply plant the words in your conversation more often, then you want people that you want people to think of or use when describing you. That's called label planting.

25:37 And what you'll notice is if, for example, right now you did a survey and you asked 100 people, what three words might you use to describe me? And you've got a bunch of words that you weren't hoping to get.

25:49 And then six months from now, you did another survey, and in those six months, you consciously label planted at least three times a day.

25:58 You will notice a significant rise in the words that you chose that will all of a sudden be on the surveys because you decided to use those words, plant them in the brains of the people that you want to think of those words when thinking of you.

26:12 And they're they magically appear at the end of the process.

26:15 We should be deciding how other people describe us.

26:19 One of the first steps we could use label planting and you'll notice a difference.

26:24 And these are things, by the way, that you can monitor.

26:29 Remember that you can't manage what you can't monitor.

26:32 And many of us are asking our employees or our coworkers or our families to improve their communication skills.

26:39 But we have no benchmarks.

26:41 We don't know what to do.

26:42 We can't we can't physically touch something or look at something or say, Oh, you were too number three.

26:50 Now you're at a number four with things such as label planting and adding surveys, keeping a list of how you're using these tactics and the results that you get.

26:58 You can do that.

26:59 You can actually monitor the results, therefore manage the results.

27:03 And the last thing I'd like to talk about is speaking of managers and managing, if you are a new manager, chances are you're going to be self conscious and you're going to be anxious in many communication situations that work.

27:18 And it's difficult for us to use these strategies because your brain is already overloaded. We have many new things that we're learning at work.

27:25 We're emotional, we're insecure.

27:27 How can I, as a new manager, a supervisor, for example, if I'm in new communication territory, how can I access these tactics and show people, not only am I in a new position, this is a new person that you're all dealing with.

27:41 I am now coming from a different level.

27:43 Watch how simple it is to use tactical communication in brand new situations where you don't know what words you'll even need.

27:51 It's not always about the words, and I want to clarify that before we end this lecture.

27:55 Sometimes it's about the concept, but we have to implement the concept, and you can do that with tactics, even if you're not planning on the specific words like Watch this one many times at work, we might say to a new employee that we'd like them to change their behavior, and if we are new in our position, they're going to sometimes give us a little backtalk.

28:19 They're going to sometimes challenge our authority.

28:22 Don't let your brain get too emotional.

28:25 When people challenge your authority, that's part of the process.

28:27 It's natural. You know, if you have dogs at home, you'll notice, for example, how dogs challenge one another's authority and see who's really in charge here.

28:36 We do many things that dogs do naturally, instinctively, and it's okay. People are supposed to challenge your authority and see, are you supposed to be where you are? And you're supposed to be able to respond in a way that says, Yes, I am.

28:52 How can you do that if you don't even know what situations are coming? How can you have the words? I'm going to give you two tactics.

28:59 Okay. The first one I'd like to give you is the broken record.

29:02 The broken record is one of the easiest tactics to use, one of the most effective tactics that will be using frequently.

29:08 And it requires no specific words to learn.

29:12 It just requires to know what the concept is and implement it.

29:16 Many times at work, people will say things to us, such as Let's say that we say to an employee.

29:23 Can I count on you to do X, Y, Z for me? And the employee responds with a.

29:30 I don't know. Maybe.

29:32 You know what I mean? People will come up with strange responses to very common questions because they want to test us to see how we will react to that.

29:41 Don't react. Respond.

29:43 If you said something a moment ago that was valid and perfect and relayed the message in the way you wanted to relay it.

29:53 Don't start changing your words because somebody else is challenging your words. If you say something right and you're confident in it and you feel good about it the first time, keep saying the same thing over and over again.

30:07 For example, here's a simple, simple verbal pattern that may be. But so repeat that out loud.

30:16 That may be, but.

30:19 Say it again. That may be, but.

30:22 And one last time that may be, but.

30:26 Here's how you'll use that.

30:28 For example, take a difficult employee, as we were talking about at work.

30:32 You say to them, I need you to do it this way.

30:35 Can you do that for me? And they respond with a.

30:39 I don't know. Maybe that's not how I've done it in the past.

30:43 That's not how my old boss told me to do it.

30:46 What do you say? Or let's say that you're at home because remember, all strategies that are really powerful and true, they work in a variety of different circumstances, both at work and at home.

31:00 Let's say you were to say to one of your kids, if you have children.

31:04 I need you to be in by 10:00 tonight.

31:06 And they say to you.

31:08 Everybody else gets to stay out until 11.

31:11 What do you say? We've all had these situations both at work and at home.

31:16 A child challenges our authority.

31:18 All my friends get to stay out until 11.

31:20 And what you'll see the average parent who goes crazy arguing with their children do is they'll say things such as, well, remember we talked about it and you can't do that until you're 17.

31:31 They engage and then once the child hears you say something different, they know I've got you on the run and they're going to keep arguing with you because they've engaged you.

31:41 The same thing goes for employees who are testing us at work.

31:43 If an employee says to us something such as, I don't know, maybe it's not how I'm used to doing it. So-and-so taught me to do it differently before they're seeing What are you going to do? And if you start to engage, you will have more problems than if you were to simply use the broken record.

31:59 You'll see that powerful communicators around you on television, in your personal life and your professional life, the ones who we consider to be powerful, savvy communicators, do not engage when they don't want to.

32:12 When they have said something that they think is valid, they'll just repeat it over and over again.

32:18 Not just kind of word for word.

32:20 That's called a broken record.

32:21 Remember, when you know what it's called, you will use it more effectively and more often.

32:25 And here's what you'll see.

32:26 For example, those savvy new managers or bosses do they say to employees, they say to an employee, you need to do X, Y, Z.

32:34 And the employee says, Yeah, I don't know.

32:38 It's not how I used to do it.

32:39 Joe taught me to do it differently.

32:41 And you'll see that managers say, Well, that may be, but we're going to do it this way.

32:45 And they'll say, But that's not how I'm used to doing it.

32:47 And the manager would say, Well, that may be, but we're going to do it this way.

32:51 Well, that way would take longer than the way I've been doing it.

32:55 That may be, but we're going to do it this way.

32:57 And generally the third time when you use the broken record, people recognize you're not engaging.

33:05 Just like when you say to a child, for example, I'll say to my nephew, Eamon, all right, Eamon, get your stuff ready.

33:12 We're going to the library.

33:13 And he'll say. I thought we were going to the movies and I'll say, Well, that may be, but we're going to the library.

33:20 Oh, well, it's Saturday afternoon.

33:23 I want to go out and hang out with my friends.

33:25 Well, that may be, but we're going to the library generally.

33:28 The third time is when Eamon will look at me and say, I can't even remember the library, but that's okay.

33:34 Remember that when you communicate like that, when you're using assertive communication strategies like the broken record like that, that may be, but.

33:43 You're not doing it for other people.

33:44 You're doing it for you. I'm not saying no to you.

33:47 For you. I'm saying it for me.

33:49 I'm not standing my ground for my nephew.

33:52 Amen. I'm standing it for me.

33:54 And when you can use strategies that don't even require words, you just have to remember broken record.

34:01 I'm going to keep repeating myself until I show you that you're not going to engage me. And the broken record is a strategy that I'm going to be talking about using with many different tactics.

34:12 For example, not only will it work with what we just talked about, which is called the but rebuttal, where I say that may be but and then repeat myself.

34:20 But what about specific difficult people at work? The challenger, for example, is that person you work with who asks you questions that are none of his or her business.

34:33 For example, let's say that you're in a meeting with your boss 15 minutes in the boardroom. Then you come out and you sit at your station or your cubicle or your office, and the next thing you know, the challenger comes along and they peek around the corner and say, Hey, I saw you in there talking to Bob for 15 minutes.

34:50 What was that all about? That's the Challenger.

34:53 Or maybe you're at a family reunion and you have an aunt who says to you something.

34:58 Such as? So.

35:00 When you get married, when are you going to have kids? And they ask you questions where you want to say that it's none of your business? Remember that in any relationship, the person who asks the majority of questions is the one with the perceived power in that relationship.

35:19 And so many people who feel impotent or without power in a relationship, they'll start to ask a bunch of questions.

35:26 And many times those questions are inappropriate.

35:28 They're nosy questions.

35:29 They're really called challenge questions.

35:31 I'm challenging your authority by asking you these questions, and I expect you to answer them. Don't answer them.

35:38 Use simple strategies like the broken record works like a charm with the challenger.

35:44 If you couple it with one of the magic phrases that we've already talked about, for example, we've already talked about now using magic phrases such as, that's interesting. Why would you ask me that? We've talked about using closed ended questions such as, Are you always this curious? And we've talked about the broken record.

36:01 We've also talked about the 3/2 look where you just look at people for 3 seconds and most people are extremely uncomfortable with 3 seconds of silence.

36:10 So the next time you have, for example, a challenger, remember, if you've had your cue cards ready and practice them, you've done your hemisphere synchronization, you tried out verbal patterns and no risk situations.

36:21 You'll be ready to face the Challenger and couple some of those tactics together and say something such as When a challenger says to you, Hey, what was that meeting all about? You could say, Interesting, why would you ask? And what's the number one response that people use when you ask them? Interesting.

36:42 Why would you ask me that in response to a challenge? Question Now, I'm not saying I would use this when my grandmother says, Daniel, where were you last night? That's not the time to say, interesting, grandma, why would you ask, you know, or or to my boss if they say, hey, what's going on with that report? I don't want to use challenge questions with people who are not the challenger. But if somebody does challenge you and you say, interesting, why would you ask that? What do they say back? It's always the same. I'm just curious.

37:10 Now it's time for you to ask your closed ended question.

37:13 Are you always this curious? And of course, when you do that, people will say 99% of the time, yeah. And then you give them the 3/2 look.

37:24 And watch how simply doing that throws off the pattern.

37:27 And then they'll stop and they'll say, What? What were you doing? Broken record it. Interesting.

37:34 Why would you ask that? And when you have these strategies ready to use during these situations, people start to recognize right away.

37:42 Mm hmm. I'm not getting the reward I'm used to with this person, and they choose their next victim down the hallway.

37:48 You know, if you ask people, I'm going to ask you to be upfront with your communication. I'm going to ask you why you would say things like that to me.

37:55 I'm going to ask you what your true intentions are when you have these strategies and verbal patterns ready.

38:01 You put other people around you on alert and you let them know, Here, I'm going to practice upfront, clear and honest communication. Assertive communication.

38:12 But assertive communication is not natural.

38:15 That's why they call it communication skills instead of talents it's learned.

38:20 And remember, we talked at the beginning about how the brain affects our communication. Now that you're using and implementing these new verbal patterns, you're going to notice a big change because not only will people respond differently to you, remember that you know how your thought patterns affect your verbal patterns. Right whatever is in your brain, comes out your mouth.

38:42 That's what we do.

38:44 But what you'll notice is how your verbal patterns are going to start affecting your thought patterns.

38:50 You actually think differently when you speak differently, just like you speak differently when you think differently.

38:56 We don't think an abstract thoughts.

38:58 We think in words.

38:59 And when you start to be more deliberate with the words coming out of your mouth, you'll notice a change in the words going through your head.

39:06 And when you change the way you speak, which changes the way you think, you start to see things differently because you're changing what you use to see things.

39:16 And when you see things differently, you'll notice that people start to see you differently. And you'll notice starting today, changing your verbal patterns is going to change, not just the way you think, which will then change the way you see the world. It will then change the way the world sees you.

39:33 So get ready for a big change, not just on a personal level, but on a collective conscious level.

39:40 So in this lesson you learned how to use the danger phrase and power phrase list to access these phrases when you need them, when the brain is drawing you out of them.

39:49 And how doing that how changing your verbal patterns is going to change the way you see the world and how the world sees you.

39:56 We've also learned how to use some of these duct tape phrases and magic phrases in difficult situations so that you can appear to always have the right words at the right time with power, tact and finesse.

40:08 And finally, we've talked about how to use these tactics in brand new situations where you can't find the words, but you can still communicate tactically to project an image of power and confidence.