Staying Focused in Challenging Communication Situations

00:01 In this lecture, we're going to focus on three things.

00:04 Number one, who you are during difficult communication situations and more specifically, tools that help you remember who you are when you're communicating in difficult situations that normally distract you from the truth of who you are. Number two, we're going to talk about how to stay focused on why you're really here and what you really want during those situations.

00:26 And then number three, how to choose the right words that reflect the substance of who you are and the right words are going to be the form of your message. Let's start off talking about how do we remember who we really are during these difficult communication situations? Because you know what I mean? When we find ourselves in an emotional or emotionally charged situation, when somebody comes at us from a place of emotion, it stimulates the right hand side of the brain of our brain.

00:56 No matter how good you are at dealing with difficult people or how used to difficult situations you are, you can't help it when somebody comes at you from an emotional place.

01:07 But react to that in the brain.

01:09 So how do we fight against our natural reaction to become emotional when other people are emotional with us? The tool that I'd like you to start using is called a personal compass.

01:22 Maybe you have written or heard about a personal mission statement in the past, but the challenge that I have found with mission statements are that A nobody writes them, and B, when they do, nobody uses them. I mean, let me ask you, have you written a personal compass? Chances are if you're watching this video, you have gone through some executive training. And part of that executive training has to do with creating and using a personal mission statement.

01:51 But most people don't do it.

01:54 You're going to be using a personal compass in situations where emotions are running high. They could be your emotions or they could be someone else's emotions.

02:01 But what tends to happen is because other people's emotions are running high, that affects our brain chemistry, whether we like it or not.

02:09 So how do we remember who we are, why we're here, what we really want when people around us are doing crazy things and saying crazy things because remember, the truth of the matter is scientifically out of control.

02:21 Emotions make smart people stupid and out of control.

02:25 Emotions make sane people crazy.

02:28 Why does that happen? Because we have the two sides to the brain, which we'll be discussing.

02:32 The left hand side and the right hand side generally don't work together in harmony. What happens is one side gets stimulated and the other side dies down.

02:42 So if the right hand emotional side of your brain gets stimulated, the left hand logical side, the activity tends to diminish.

02:49 You forget things, you forget who you are, just as if the left hand logical side of the brain is stimulated and you're doing math equations, for example, the right hand emotional side that tends to die down.

03:01 So it's almost impossible for us to use both sides at the same time.

03:05 Which is why out of control emotions make smart people stupid.

03:09 Out of control, emotions make sane people crazy.

03:12 How do we fight against our natural tendency to become emotional and crazy and stupid when emotions are running high in others? Step one You want to decide right now who you are.

03:27 There are only three steps to writing a personal compass.

03:31 A personal compass is a tool that you can use to remember who you are, why you're here, and what you want when under normal circumstances, you'd forget all of those things. So the first step is to write down who you are.

03:45 Let's talk about that.

03:47 You want to take out your worksheet or jot down on a piece of paper? And normally I tell you that you can either think about it or write it down.

03:54 This is something you want to write down, and there's a reason you want to write it down. It used to be that when people would write things down on paper and those things would then magically come to pass more often than those who did not write things down on paper.

04:07 They would call those people witches or wizards because what they were writing down, these spells were magically coming to pass.

04:15 And yes, this is one of the few things that is critical to write down, because a personal compass is going to come into play and help you decide who you are.

04:25 In this sliver in time, this little tiny moment in time between what's going on and how you respond to it.

04:32 And in that sliver in time, our brain works very, very quickly to determine all sorts of things. The three most important things that it's working to determine as who you are, why you're there, and what you want.

04:45 Whether we realize it or not.

04:46 In this sliver in time, we're deciding, who am I? Why am I here? What do I want? And the words that come out of our mouth in an emotionally charged situation are simply reflecting who we believe we are.

04:58 Remember, we talked about that.

05:00 So it is not at that moment that we want to decide who we are, right to decide who we are when we are in an emotionally charged state, to decide why we're here, to decide what I want.

05:13 That's crazy, because our brain is imbalanced at that moment.

05:17 So I'd like you right now to decide who you are.

05:21 And I'd like you to do this.

05:23 So now I'd like you to take out your worksheet if you haven't done so already, or a piece of paper and write down three I Am statements.

05:32 And what I mean by that is what are three things that you are? Three adjectives.

05:37 So if you're using the worksheet, you can fill in the I am starter phrases.

05:40 Or if you're doing it all on your own, write down three phrases I am, and then fill in that blank.

05:46 But here's the real catch.

05:48 I want you to be conscious of these three IM phrases.

05:53 What I'd like you to do is think about the most important relationships in your life.

05:57 For example, are you a spouse or are you a sibling? Are you a worker? What are three things? The three, let's say most important, hats that you wear throughout the day.

06:08 What are you I mean, I am a brother.

06:11 I am an uncle, I am a teacher.

06:13 Those are three things that I am.

06:14 When you determine what the three things are that you are, I'd like you to think of what adjectives that you'd like to use to describe yourself in those roles when you're at your best. For example, I am a patient son.

06:28 I am a compassionate teacher.

06:31 I am a loving brother.

06:34 And when you can think of three adjectives like that, for example, I am for you, maybe it would be. I am determined, I am loving.

06:43 Think of three adjectives to go along with the three most important roles that you play throughout the day. All right.

06:49 So I'll give you a minute to do that.

06:54 Okay. So you should have now three I am statements.

06:58 For example, mine are I am the first three that I wrote down.

07:02 This will grow as as you continue your communication development journey.

07:05 But the first three that I wrote down are I am compassionate, I am patient, and I am kind because I wanted to be more of those things.

07:14 And in the sliver in time between event and response, if you have the tools that you can use to remind yourself, Hey.

07:24 Remember when you were sane and sober, you wrote down that you were these three things.

07:29 Just to remind you, if you can do that.

07:33 You might have the opportunity to be those things.

07:36 You know, you might have the opportunity to be kind or to be patient or to be polished or professional or dedicated, whatever those words are.

07:45 You might have the opportunity 100 times in a day.

07:48 Like I have the opportunity maybe 100 times in one day to be kind and patient, and I might only get it right and be those things once.

07:57 But tomorrow, if I took the time to write down an IM statement as part of my personal compass, I might get it right.

08:06 I might hit my target twice.

08:08 So I'm still only doing it twice out of 100.

08:10 That's twice as much as I got done yesterday.

08:12 That's twice as much.

08:13 And you will notice that it's worth it.

08:16 And we'll talk about those situations that you'll notice at the most.

08:19 Once we're all done, because we're moving on to step number two.

08:23 Why are you here? That's a big question that we want to think about when we are in a difficult communication situation, dealing with a difficult person in that sliver in time. Because remember, our subconscious mind works so much more quickly than the conscious mind. And whether we realize it or not, during those moments in time between event and response, we are deciding who we are and why we're here.

08:48 But that's not when you want to decide it.

08:50 You want to decide it now.

08:52 So I'd like you to think of and write down, if you can, three reasons why you're here. For example, when you get up in the morning, what's your job title? Is that let's say you're an accountant or let's say you're a lawyer or I'm a teacher.

09:06 I can guarantee you that I do not wake up in the morning thinking, What am I going to teach today? Oh, I'm here to teach sixth grade whoopee.

09:14 Never. Nobody does that.

09:16 And you don't wake up thinking I'm here to be an accountant today or I'm here to be a graphic designer.

09:23 That does not get you up and motivated and does not help you work through difficult situations. What helps you work through difficult situations? What helps you get up in the morning and go into work when you don't want to are going to be the reasons why you're really here, not at your job or watching this video, but on the planet. Why are you here? Think of three things that you would write down.

09:46 For example, when I did my first one, I wrote down, I'm here to learn.

09:51 I'm here to number one thing that I wrote down before anything else, I'm here to enjoy myself. And number three, I'm here to teach.

09:58 And so I have to remember during the sliver in time, you know, let's say that you're at work and you're walking down the hallway and a sniper comes out.

10:07 We're going to talk about the different difficult people at work in later lessons.

10:11 But let's say that you're walking down the hallway and a sniper snipes you.

10:15 A sniper is somebody who throws out insults at you in a public forum. And those insults are masked in humor, the jokes at your expense.

10:24 And so if a sniper snipes you in front of your coworkers and let's say that the sniper sounds something like, Hey, Charlie, that was a great presentation today.

10:34 You looked super prepared.

10:35 And you know that that's not really what they were saying.

10:38 You know what I mean? They're insulting you masked in humor.

10:42 If you're like me or if you're like many of us watching this, what happens is you start to think, Oh, yeah, and you start to think of really unenlightened, nasty things that you can say back to them and snipe them back.

10:52 But if instead of doing that, we are the ones who stop and think, Wait a minute, who am I? I, I'm kind and compassionate and caring.

11:02 Why am I here? We do not write down insane and sober moments like this.

11:07 We do not write down, Oh, I'm here to win the blue ribbon for the ugliest communicator in the whole office.

11:12 But we act like that sometimes, right? You know, sometimes when I'm not thinking, I will appear to be trying to win the prize for the worst communicator in my life.

11:23 But if I can instead stop and think, Wait a minute, what you just said is all about you, how I respond back to you, that is simply a reflection of who I am and why I'm here.

11:33 And I'm here to enjoy myself.

11:35 I'm here to teach.

11:36 I'm here to learn.

11:37 I'm here to do many things.

11:39 But engage in that type of behavior is not something I'm going to write down on a personal compass. So if you write down now what you're here to do in the in the world, on the planet, you know, it's amazing the things that people will show me, that they write down things about how I'm here to shine light in the darkness.

11:55 I am here to bring my people up with me as I rise up, I'm here.

12:00 There's so many important things that we're here to do.

12:02 No matter what your job title is, you can be doing that all the time, and that's something that you'll start to remember more and more if you're at the airport and you're standing in line waiting for a plane and you're starting to feel terrible, as I have done, you know, really frustrated and angry and aggravated.

12:19 Then I'll remember, wait a minute.

12:22 I wrote down that I'm here to enjoy myself, and that pertains to every situation your brain starts to make those new connections we talked about, and you'll start to think, Hmm, I'm here to enjoy myself, huh? How am I supposed to enjoy myself? Waiting in line at the airport for 2 hours.

12:37 Once you recognize in that moment in time and remember, really? Oh, that's what I'm here to do.

12:42 Your brain starts to literally form new connections and watch how you will all of a sudden discover ways to not only be the person that you want to be, but to do what you want to do.

12:56 But it all starts out with writing three.

12:58 I'm here two statements.

13:00 So if you haven't taken the time to do that yet, make sure to write them down, because we're about to move on to step number three.

13:07 And now it's time for the best step of all.

13:09 Step number three, decide what you want.

13:12 So I'd like you to just imagine.

13:14 Don't write anything down yet, but I'd like you to think.

13:16 How would you finish the sentence? I want what? Now? I'm not talking about at work.

13:21 I'm not talking about. I want a Diet Coke right now.

13:23 What do you want out of life? What are you working towards? What do you want? How would you finish that sentence? So if you're like most people I know, chances are you stopped right now and you went. Hmm.

13:40 I don't know. And it shows when you watch most people react to other people in difficult communication situations.

13:48 Most people who, let's say, are sniped at work, most people who are dealing with a passive aggressive communicator at work, a stranger on the street that mistreats them, or or somehow verbally, emotionally, physically assaults them.

14:01 You watch most people react to them.

14:03 And what they're demonstrating is, I have no idea what I want because I'm letting you decide it for me. If we don't decide what we want, someone else will decide that for us. If we don't decide why we're really here, someone else will decide that for us.

14:17 And if we don't decide who we are, we let other people decide that for us.

14:20 So it might take you a while to finish your three.

14:24 What? I want statements.

14:26 I mean, it takes a lot of people a long time to figure out what are three things that I really want, but that's okay.

14:33 Take as much time as you need to do that because we cannot move on to the following lessons until you have decided who you are, why you're here, and what you want. Because here's what will happen.

14:45 You may want to ask me a question, or you might be asking a question to yourself, or you might be asking a question to a colleague or someone else who's developing his or her communication skills.

14:55 And you might say, Tell me I'm dealing with this customer or I'm dealing with my boss or I'm dealing with this coworker.

15:01 Here's the situation.

15:03 What should I do? And the first thing that you should always ask yourself when you're deciding what to do, or the first thing you want to ask someone else, if they say, Hey, what do you suggest I do? Or, you know, you're the savvy communicator taking this communication course. How should I handle this situation? Before you decide how to handle the situation, you should always 100% of the time ask someone or ask yourself, Well, it depends.

15:29 Who are you? What do you want? Why are you here? Because that's going to determine the form of your message, the words. First, you have to start with the substance.

15:39 And although what we just talked about those three things, it might seem like a lot to go through during the sliver in time.

15:45 What you want to do is make it automatic, automatic, automatic.

15:49 So in the following chapters, we're going to be discussing how to make something like reviewing my personal compass, who I am, what I want, why I'm here, how to make that automatic so that during the sliver in time when somebody comes at you or in other words, assaults you verbally, emotionally, physically, how can you more likely stop and recall the three things in your personal compass and then respond accordingly? We're going to talk about the tools that help you do that, because, remember, you don't want to react to situations reacting as first thing to the brain, first thing out of the mouth. And most of us, myself included, most of the time, are reacting to situations. And that's a good thing, because if we had to stop and think all the time about how to respond to people into situations, it would be overwhelmingly exhausting.

16:38 We couldn't do that. Our brain needs to go on autopilot to help us function in the world. But in those critical moments, you know, the moments I'm talking about generally we recognize them in retrospect and think, Oh, how could I have done that or said that? And the ones that are coming up, if you develop and use your personal compass, you will be much, much more likely.

17:01 Remember, I'm all about the odds.

17:02 The odds are you'll be much more likely to hit your communication target and be the person that you want to be during those situations than the words.

17:12 That's the easy part, but we have to finish our personal compass to get the right words.

17:16 So take a moment. If you haven't yet to finish those three parts.

17:20 Write down three phrases who you are.

17:23 Write down three phrases why you're here and write down three phrases what you want. Then we'll move along to step number two.

17:32 So you should have finished your personal compass by now.

17:35 Remember, if you haven't, now's the time to stop and finish your personal compass, because we're going to talk for a couple of minutes about what to do with it.

17:42 Remember that human beings are visual communicators.

17:46 We like to see things. We learn by seeing.

17:48 We learn how to communicate by seeing.

17:49 And in fact, you probably use Pinterest or if you don't use Pinterest, you know somebody who does. It's the fastest growing social media out there right now, and it consists of almost exclusively pictures.

18:01 People like to see things, right? People like to see things rather than read things rather than hear things.

18:06 And the reason is because instinctively we're visual communicators.

18:10 So to have the edge over other communicators who aren't already using visual cues as part of their personal or professional communication development strategy, I would like you to do just that.

18:22 Use visual cues when it comes to changing the words that you use.

18:27 Use visual cues.

18:28 Remember that human beings don't learn how to communicate by listening, by reading.

18:34 They learn it by observing.

18:36 And we're constantly looking around, looking out there for cues to tell us what to do. For example, when you go through an airport or if you went through a factory or if you went through a big building where you could get hurt, you could get lost, you could be confused.

18:51 A hospital, for example.

18:53 What do you see all around visual cues? Because visual cues help people stay on track and not get hurt when they otherwise would might get lost or or might say or do something that would damage them. Let's take that strategy that you'll see countless businesses use effectively, and let's use that to develop personally or professionally.

19:17 And I'd like you to take your personal compass and put it, let's say, in front of you on your desk. What I've done with mine is I printed it out on a piece of paper with four squares.

19:27 You'll have this in your resource packet so you can use the pre-printed blank personal compass that came in your resources and you can just fill in the blanks with your words for your I am and why you're here and what you want statements or you can print it off by yourself.

19:42 But if you print it off and put it in front of you on your desk, maybe it's the small cue card such as the one in your materials.

19:49 Or maybe you print it off in a big poster size and you put it on the back of a door so that before you go out and greet people either at home or at work, you remind yourself That's who I am.

19:58 Or maybe you put it on the wall so that when you're on the telephone at work, if you have a difficult customer, you look up.

20:04 And while you're talking to a customer, you might be thinking about some things you'd like to say to that customer if they're getting out of control.

20:10 But that personal compass reminds you, Hey, hey, hey.

20:13 Remember when you were saying in sober, this is the person you thought you were? And the reason I say sane and sober is because you probably know people, if you haven't done it yourself, that appear to lose their minds when they are drugged. And when we are in a difficult communication situation, we are literally drugged.

20:33 Our brain starts to secrete a lot of different chemicals.

20:36 Some of them feel good, some of them feel bad.

20:38 But we start to go crazy.

20:40 We start to become so drugged that we literally hallucinate sometimes during emotionally charged situations, good or bad, for example.

20:48 Sometimes when you're so angry, you might see red.

20:52 People actually see things that aren't there when they're so angry because they hallucinate. Just like when you first fall in love, you see things that are not there.

20:58 What happens is the brain starts to release, for example, phenylalanine, and you literally hallucinate for about 2 to 3 years.

21:05 Then the brain stops releasing it and then we're left to our own during love relationships. But whatever the relationship is, when it becomes emotional, good or bad, our brain starts to drug us.

21:15 And you want to.

21:16 Not during those moments, but during a sane and sober moment.

21:19 Like, now remind yourself who you are and stick it on the wall.

21:23 Stick it someplace where you'd see it.

21:25 Some people put it, for example, on their name badge.

21:27 Some people put it on a business card, but you want to have it accessible so that while these moments start presenting themselves to us, you have in advance reminded yourself who you want to be.

21:40 Because what happens is, speaking of the universe conspiring and magical things happening after you write something down, if you write down I am patient, you will have many master teachers that will pop up seemingly out of nowhere to say, Oh, your patient, huh? Try being patient with me and they will test your patients.

21:58 Or for example, if you wrote down, I am professional, you will have the most unprofessional people pop up and test your level of professionalism because that's just how it works and we want that.

22:10 But these little tests that come up, you want to pass them, so don't try to do it on your own. Have cheat sheets around, put them in front of you, put them where you will see them all the time.

22:19 And then you'll notice.

22:20 Hmm, all of these opportunities that keep popping up.

22:24 Yesterday, I just got one.

22:25 Today I got two.

22:27 And why will you be more likely to get that second one? Because you had a visual cue.

22:32 So there you have it.

22:34 Now, you have not just the theory about writing a personal mission statement, but you have the tools. You have a personal compass that you can refer to to remind yourself who you are when emotions run high and people generally get distracted by other people's behavior. Also, you will be able to remember why you are here in these difficult communication situations and remain focused on the task.

22:55 And once you put out your visual cues, you will then more easily find the right words to help you hit your target and be the person that you wanted to be. Do the things that you want to do and get the things that you want to get because you had your personal compass and you used it visually.

23:11 So now we're all ready to move on to our verbal tactics.