Improving Communication in Conflict

00:01 Hi and welcome to Improving Communication and Conflict.

00:04 All day long we are communicating in different situations, in different scenarios. Sometimes we communicate with ourselves in our mind.

00:13 Yet good communication is extremely difficult.

00:17 Many of us are afraid to speak in public.

00:19 We are afraid to communicate with others simply for the fact that we don't want to be embarrassed or say the wrong thing.

00:28 In this course, you will learn the importance of active listening and especially in conflict situations.

00:34 We will also expose you to three tools that can help you improve your communication.

00:39 And in the end, I will give you a few tips on what to do to improve your listening skills, how to listen and how to respond.

00:50 Here's a secret.

00:52 We don't listen very well.

00:55 Actually, we're very busy with our head full of information.

01:01 We don't want people to convince us of things we've already decided we don't want to do. We're actually preparing our next argument.

01:12 When information is transmitted and people are not actively listening to that information, information gets left out.

01:21 Sometimes it's changed.

01:23 People fill in the gap because they have to tell the story probably to somebody else.

01:30 And lastly, when we're not listening, we forget half of what people have told us.

01:37 But actually it's very important to listen.

01:40 Why is that important? Well, first of all, when you listen to the same information over and over, you realize that somebody always adds a new piece of the puzzle.

01:52 So we want to actively listen for new information, to become aware when a situation has changed.

02:01 Another reason that's very important is to understand our counterparts needs their wishes and their concerns.

02:09 Most people don't just tell us what they want.

02:13 They tell us what they think would lead them to a successful solution to. We want to actively listen to hear what exactly is the interest and the need behind their communication.

02:26 And the third and most important reason to communicate and to actively listen is to build a bridge to other people.

02:33 When people feel heard, they also tend to listen better.

02:38 So what exactly is active listening? It is listening for total meaning and showing the other person that you have taken his or her point of view seriously and that you've even tried to walk in their shoes to better understand them.

02:57 You not only recognize the verbal meaning of a sentence, but also the emotions that are being expressed behind those words.

03:08 So how do we improve our communication skill? Well, here are three things.

03:14 Understanding. Looping and reframing.

03:19 This is so important.

03:21 Let me repeat that understanding, looping, reframing.

03:28 But how exactly do we do that? Well, here's a practical example that I'd like to introduce.

03:35 Imagine you're in the office, you've been stressed, you're working on a project.

03:39 You have to submit several reports that deadlines have approached and pass.

03:43 And your boss walks in and says the report is not finished.

03:49 Or he says the report is not finished.

03:53 Or he says the report is not finished. How do you interpret that? So if we take this simple sentence and we think the report is not finished and we try to unpack it with what we call the four sides of the message, sometimes people even call it the four years.

04:16 One is the self revelation.

04:19 Oh, my God, I was caught or I know.

04:23 What does that say to me as a person? How do I receive that first message? The second part are the facts and the relationship that are in the message.

04:35 One is the report is not finished and we know that.

04:39 And that's impacted by the relationship we have with the other person.

04:43 Is it my boss? Is it a colleague? Is it a friend? Is it somebody who I have a long relationship with? And lastly, the appeal.

04:53 What was the person asking me to do to hurry up or maybe to postpone it? We don't know.

05:02 The only way to understand what exactly is going on when somebody says the report is not finished, is to engage the other person and to try to listen with the four ears and respond in a way that the other side can formulate a different form of communication.

05:23 So what do we do in that situation? A second tool we have that is very helpful in improving communication is called looping. We listen to what was said.

05:35 We ask for clarification and engage the other person in a conversation of details. We then summarize what we understood in as neutrally possible wording as we can achieve.

05:49 And this is what we call the loop, because we're going to loop it right back to the other person and we're going to ask them.

05:55 Did I understand you correctly? Now, in a situation where somebody just says the report is not finished, looping is difficult to do, and you probably would not do it.

06:07 Looping works well.

06:09 When somebody comes in and starts talking and has a more lengthy conversation with you, try it out.

06:16 Ask the people if you understood them correctly and see what they say. If they say no.

06:23 Invite them to clarify and then loop it again.

06:28 If they say yes, you're ready to formulate your own response.

06:34 A third and very interesting tool to use is called reframing.

06:38 No, it has nothing to do with pictures in a museum or anything like that.

06:43 Reframing is about taking something that somebody said very harsh, very negative, very uncomfortable, and changing the conceptual and emotional frame to make a constructive and positive without losing the facts or the intention.

07:03 Let's look at three examples.

07:05 Number one, I'm not working without a contract.

07:09 Forget it. I'm not moving from here until I have a signature on the contract.

07:14 Actually what the person is trying to say is that they need a sense of security, stability, that they know what are the parameters of their work so that they can actually do quality work.

07:26 So if I understand you correctly, you need a sense of security in order to allow you to do quality work.

07:33 Second example is moving from the abstract to the specific.

07:37 Instead of yelling that you hate working mornings.

07:41 Try telling people I work slower in the mornings.

07:45 I work quicker in the afternoons.

07:47 It might sound like a nuance, but actually motivates people to listen.

07:52 Everybody wants you to work quicker, and if you can do more work in the afternoon and less time, everybody is happy.

07:59 But by yelling, I hate working mornings, people might assume, Oh, maybe this person is lazy or maybe they don't want to come to work, or maybe they don't even like us.

08:08 So being very specific about your intention helps to do the reframing. And the last example is something like Without me, you're not going to be successful.

08:20 That immediately raises walls and puts people on the defensive.

08:24 What about saying something like it would improve the quality of the work and the outcomes if we cooperate together? I know what you're thinking.

08:34 Some of you might think this is just fluff.

08:39 It doesn't work, but you should go out and try it.

08:42 And while you're trying it, I want you to do a couple of things.

08:45 First of all, I want you to listen and recognize what people have said and try to highlight the positive aspects of their contribution.

08:55 When things are unclear to you, ask for clarification.

09:00 Ask the other side if you understood them correctly, and every once in a while give them some kind of non-committal acknowledgement.

09:09 Give them the feeling I understood you.

09:12 I value you.

09:15 What you don't want to do is to interrupt them all the time or to rehearse your next argument so you're blocking out the other person.

09:26 Do not try to interrogate your counterpart.

09:28 You might just raise walls and involve them in a series of conflict escalation. And most of all, avoid getting into an argument with the other side. Try to increase the open communication.

09:42 Now, what you want to do in responding is you want to summarize what you heard. You want to be short and to the point.

09:50 You want to stay focused.

09:51 You want to share your ideas.

09:53 And most of all, take your time.

09:56 If you don't have time to share a really good idea, then don't share it at this point. Create another appointment where you have time to communicate in a relaxed environment.

10:08 And lastly, do not try to undervalue or correct somebody else's perception. That is not your job.

10:15 Try to stay focused and don't change the subject without asking the other side if you can move to another topic.

10:23 Don't allow anger to distract you.

10:25 And most of all, resist trying to teach people things.

10:29 I hope during this video you have been able to understand the importance of active listening, and that you understand that you have three tools of understanding, communicating and reframing that are going to help you in your communication.

10:44 And lastly, that you have a few tips of do's and don'ts on how to improve your communication. Thank you very much and good luck framing your next communication.