How to Keep Cool in Challenging Situations

00:01 In this lecture, we're going to talk about more advanced techniques that you can use to speak to different sides of the brain, more specifically in difficult or emotionally charged situations, as well as how to choose the correct syntax or the correct words to speak to the different sides of the brain.

00:19 And finally, we'll wrap it up with how to change your thought patterns by changing your internal verbal patterns through the use of self-talk and hemisphere switching. In which side of the brain do you think empathy lives the right side or the left side? By now, you should know that empathy, that emotion is going to be in the right hand side of the brain. How do we speak to that? Because when you are going to be dealing with difficult people or emotionally charged situations, generally speaking, one of the first things we're going to do is deliver what are called empathy statements.

00:55 So let's talk about that.

00:57 When you deliver empathy statements, the goal is going to be you want to activate the right hand side of the brain of the person with whom you are communicating.

01:06 Basically, what you want to do is send the message from the right side of your brain to the right side of his or her brain.

01:13 That way we get people unstuck and you will more quickly be able to get to the logical side of the brain to solve whatever challenge it is that they're bringing to the table. But remember this key principle.

01:25 Speak first to emotion, then to logic.

01:30 That is such an important principle.

01:32 I'd like you to repeat it out loud after me.

01:34 Speak first to emotion, then to logic.

01:37 Repeat that. Speak first to emotion, then to logic.

01:43 By the way, if you are more of a technical employee or if you have more of a technical job, for example, if you work at a help desk or if you work in a technical support center, chances are you're very left brained oriented and things like emotional language or empathy statements.

01:59 They aren't things that come naturally to you.

02:01 This section is going to be great to help you speak the language of the right brain, even if you're more left brained oriented.

02:10 Having said that, when you are speaking emotional language, remember, the goal is the goal is to get to the logical left hand side of the brain.

02:20 You will be able to do it more quickly and effectively if you learn how to acknowledge and speak to the right hand side of the brain.

02:26 And the second key principle that I want to emphasize before we move into the tactics is remember to match the level of emotion with a different emotion.

02:39 So say that out loud with me.

02:40 Match the level of emotion with a different emotion.

02:45 This one is so important.

02:46 I'd like you to say it again.

02:47 Match the level of emotion with a different emotion.

02:52 What does that mean? Let's say that somebody comes to you and they are really mad.

02:57 Of course you don't want to get really mad back at them, but you might want to be super empathetic. Or if somebody is really frustrated, you might want to be super inquisitive as to what is going on.

03:09 So you want to match the level of emotion.

03:11 But of course, if their emotion is rage, a different emotion.

03:16 But you know what it's like.

03:18 I'd like you to think of whoever would be your best friend or your your both your closest confidant.

03:24 Who do you share things with? The most personal things.

03:28 You know how when you have a really good day, you want to go to that person and you want to share your joy.

03:34 You want them to join your party.

03:36 Or let's say that you are dumped or you have a terrible day.

03:39 You got fired, you got rejected, you got laughed at.

03:42 You want that person to join your pity party, right? You do. You want your best friends.

03:47 You want the people that are closest to you to laugh with you, and you want them to cry with you. Remember, there is only one relationship.

03:54 It's all the same. We as human beings want others instinctively. We want others to feel the same way we feel.

04:02 So if we feel really good, we want the whole world to join in our party.

04:06 We feel really bad.

04:08 We want someone else to feel our pain.

04:11 That's the way humans are.

04:12 Keep that in mind when you're dealing with difficult people or emotionally charged people so that you can more quickly get to your goal.

04:18 And you can do that by acknowledging their emotions and telling them for a moment in time, I'm with you, remember, that will help you get to your goal more quickly.

04:29 And you're probably thinking to yourself at this point, how am I supposed to connect with the right hand side of the brain? Let's say that I'm working at a call center in a technical support capacity and people are calling up really mad when really all they need to do is press the restart button or all they have to do is press control, alt, delete. How is going to speaking how is speaking emotional language going to help me accomplish that task more quickly? It always does because people are blocked by the right hand side of the brain.

05:04 The message that you want to send, even if it's a simple one like press control, alt delete is not going to get through to the brain as quickly and as effectively as it would if we just acknowledge that emotion so that it dies down and the left hand side has a chance to wake up, so to speak, and receive the message.

05:22 Remember that empathy statements help you do that.

05:26 If you are a left brained more technical person by nature, because we're all by nature either more left brained or more right brained.

05:33 If you're more left brained, it's difficult for you to speak empathetic language.

05:38 It can be very difficult to acknowledge other people's emotions.

05:42 All you need are a few empathy phrases or some phrases to speak right to brain language. And it's very clear sometimes the difference between right brain language and left brain language. For example, if you're asking somebody what their opinion is on a project that you're presenting to them, I'd like you to think about how you would ask somebody, What's your opinion on that? How would you say that? Like, Hey, I just showed you a project.

06:08 What do you what how do you finish that sentence? If you said just now, what do you think about that? Or if you said instead, how do you feel about that? That can tell you right off the bat, if you're more of a left brained thinker or a more right brain thinker, because left brain people tend to say things such as, what do you think about that? Right brain.

06:29 People tend to say things such as, How do you feel about that? Also remember that if you do this, I'd like you to right now, while you're watching this, tilt your head to the side.

06:40 Just do that. Tilt your head to the side.

06:43 Okay. Now, if you can look in a reflective surface, maybe like another computer, another computer monitor or a mirror.

06:53 Do it again. Are you tilting your head to the side? Because many of you watching this right now, you think you're tilting your head to the side and you're not.

07:02 If you're watching this with someone else, look at them.

07:03 Ask them in my tilting my head to the side, because maybe you are, maybe you're not.

07:07 Or if doing this is particularly difficult for you, that tends to signal that you're more of a left brainer.

07:14 And that's going to be a challenge for you speaking empathetic language.

07:18 So let me give you a few power phrases that help you do just that.

07:20 So remember to make it very simple on yourself.

07:24 If you are dealing with an emotional person, you're not an emotional person yourself.

07:28 You're more of a left brainer.

07:29 I'm going to give you these three magic words that can always serve as an empathy statement, whether it's your spouse or your children that are coming to you saying, Oh, this is the problem I'm dealing with now.

07:41 Or a customer or a coworker or an employee is coming to you saying, this is the problem I'm dealing with right now.

07:47 Remember, empathy phrase number one, especially for left brainers.

07:52 Repeat this out loud after me.

07:54 Oh, that's horrible.

07:56 Say that. Oh, that's horrible.

08:00 Say it again.

08:01 Oh, that's horrible.

08:03 One more time.

08:04 Oh, that's horrible.

08:07 Sound simple? Not simple.

08:09 And what if you use that phrase more often before getting into your left brain language? If you use that phrase to connect when other people are bringing problems to you, I can't tell you how useful you will find that phrase when you're searching for the words. How can I show them empathy? Oh, that's horrible.

08:26 But again, as we've discussed in other lessons, you don't always need to use those three words. For example, I might be listening to my mother for half an hour on end, and what I'm listening to my mother, she frequently tells me about her problems.

08:38 And if I don't say anything, as some of you have tried, you know, you you'll just sit tight and listen, because we've been told that that's active listening, which we'll cover later on. It's not.

08:47 But if we sit there thinking, I don't want to interrupt, I don't want to solve problems, I'm just supposed to listen.

08:53 If you're talking with someone like my mother, she'll stop and say, Hey.

08:57 Why aren't you saying anything? And I'll say, Well, I'm listening to you, Mom.

09:01 And she'll say, Well, show it.

09:03 And I'll say, Well, oh, and I don't know what to do.

09:07 All you have to do is every few minutes, maybe every 5 to 7 minutes, throw in a simple empathy phrase like, I'll be on the phone with my mom half an hour, 10 minutes ago by maybe and I'll say there's a break in conversation.

09:18 People are looking for that acknowledgment.

09:20 So I'll say, Oh, mom, that's horrible.

09:22 Then she'll keep going on and on and on.

09:24 And then maybe another 20 minutes later, there's a pause and I'll say, Rats, that stinks.

09:30 She's good. Then we go another 20 minutes or so, and I might just give her a simple.

09:35 Mm hmm.

09:36 And she likes that. And now she knows I'm listening.

09:39 I'm empathizing.

09:40 I'm completing the task that I should be completing as a communicator.

09:44 And it's effortless.

09:45 Just remember empathy statements when you think somebody needs a little empathy.

09:50 Oh, that's horrible.

09:51 Rats. That stinks.

09:52 Mm hmm. That's too bad.

09:54 Three words is all it takes to make that connection.

09:57 Get them unstuck.

09:58 And now you're ready to get to the left hand, logical side of the brain and solve the problem. And now we're going to talk a little bit more about some specific language that you should be aware of when you're talking to either the right hand side or the left hand side.

10:14 And we're also going to include when you're talking to yourself.

10:19 Picture this. You're in a meeting.

10:23 Your colleagues are all around you.

10:25 Something happens, let's say your boss says in front of the group.

10:30 That's a terrible idea. Stop bringing this up during these meetings.

10:33 It's a waste of time.

10:34 Or your colleague that you were in competition with for a job got the job and it was announced during the meeting in front of everybody.

10:43 And you feel really bad and you feel like you're about to start crying.

10:48 Or it could be at home where you just received some bad news.

10:52 And you don't want your family members to see you break down because you want to be strong. You do not want to cry.

10:59 What do you say to yourself? What are the thoughts that start going through your brain? Think about how you would talk to yourself in that situation.

11:09 Or I'd like you to think about.

11:10 Let's say you're dealing with a.

11:13 A sniper or an exploder or a steamroller or a backstabber or a gossip at work. And you found out that they're backstabbing and gossiping or sniping you.

11:23 You start to feel really angry.

11:25 But then you remember, Hey, wait a minute.

11:28 If I speak now, before I've taken a moment to remember who I am, I'm going to say crazy things.

11:34 And I don't want to say crazy things in anger.

11:37 What do you start to say to yourself so that you don't get angry? What are the types of phrases? All right. When you were thinking about what you would say to yourself in those situations, what are the types of phrases that you used? If you said things, for example, such as, I'm not going to get angry, I'm not going to get angry or. I'm not going to cry.

12:00 I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry.

12:02 What is the average person do when he or she starts saying to himself or herself, I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry.

12:08 What happens at the end? They cry, right? Because when you're in a situation and you start to say to yourself what you're not going to do.

12:17 For example, when you said to yourself in the past, I'm not going to get angry, I'm not going to get angry or I'm not going to cry.

12:22 I'm not going to cry. How did that work? Generally doesn't. Right? Let's talk about strategies that will actually help us have some effect over our own brain. Self-talk is an extremely important part of our communication strategy because the most words that we hear throughout the day we hear in our brain, the average person speaks at the rate of about 150 words per minute.

12:49 I speak a little more quickly.

12:51 I speak at the rate of about 250 words per minute.

12:54 The world's fastest talker, who you might hear on a commercial or you might hear him or her on the radio. Right now, it's a man who speaks for FedEx.

13:02 He speaks at the rate of about 600 words per minute.

13:05 But right now, as you're listening to this, or if you're at home thinking about something, if you're in a position at work where you're trying to decide how to handle that situation, you speak to yourself generally at the rate of about 800 words per minute.

13:20 That's a lot of words.

13:22 That's many times more words than anyone else around you is speaking.

13:26 And we tend to think these words and go through this dialogue all day, every day. Again, we do not think an abstract thoughts.

13:34 We think in words, we think in sections, we think in statements.

13:37 That's what's going through our brain, which, by the way, is again, why when you change your speech patterns, you change your thought patterns, and that changes the whole world. But when you are starting to become emotionally upset and you want to get that emotion, you want to put that emotion aside for a moment.

13:56 How do you do that? I realized that you can't just take emotion and throw it out the window.

14:02 That's not going to happen.

14:03 But you can have some effect over your emotions as opposed to the average person who has no effect. You can tomorrow have more control over your emotions than you had yesterday. If you learn the right syntax that you need to be using when you're speaking to yourself.

14:18 If you're in computer programming or if you've ever programmed a computer.

14:22 I remember back in the eighties, for example, when Apple Computers first came out, we all had to take lessons on how to enter information into a computer.

14:32 Now, I haven't done anything with that information, but I do remember that the general rule is garbage in, garbage out.

14:41 If you put information into a computer using the wrong syntax, you get no result it garbage in, garbage out.

14:48 There's a language that you have to use when you are programming a computer.

14:52 You probably see in this language, even if computers are new to you, if you're not into computers, you've seen that black screen with a green language and it's written in a very specific, deliberate language.

15:04 It has a very special syntax.

15:06 If you're not using the right syntax, you get no effect.

15:09 Garbage in, garbage out.

15:11 And it's amazing how the more we learn about the brain, the more we learn that the brain works in a very similar way to how a computer works.

15:19 The more we develop computers, the more they start to behave as brains behave.

15:24 The more we learn about brains, the more we learn that they function in a very similar way to computers.

15:30 So remember, garbage in, garbage out.

15:33 When we say to ourselves things such as, I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to get angry, that's not the right syntax.

15:39 And if you were hooked up to one of those brain machines that monitors involuntary bodily responses, what you find is when you say things like that to yourself, you get no result, just none.

15:48 So I'm wasting my thoughts.

15:50 I'm wasting my words.

15:51 So remember this for coping statements and coping statements or statements that you would use as part of your self-talk, inner dialogue to deal with emotionally charged situations and you want to control your emotions.

16:06 The syntax is this I am.

16:10 And then fill in the blank.

16:12 The theory behind it is there are two principles to properly constructing a coping statement.

16:18 Those principles are number one, you want them to be positively phrased, not positive, like, Oh, I'm happy, not that positive, like what I am.

16:27 And number two, you want them to be in the present, meaning what I am right now.

16:31 And the average person who says to himself, I'm not going to get angry, that is negatively phrased in the future.

16:39 And so the brain takes that information, doesn't do a thing with it and spits it out.

16:43 We get no result.

16:44 And if you were to instead change your thought patterns to be more in the present positively phrased, you get more of a result.

16:52 As I said, I realize you can't just control your emotions as if we were computers, but you can have some control.

16:59 And it seems very simple, right, to say to yourself, I'm cool, calm and collected, I'm in control.

17:04 But right now, what would you say so that you don't get angry? How would you say that? If you right now paused and said, I'm I'm not getting I'm not.

17:14 Oh. If that was difficult for you to think of the properly phrased coping statement, it's always difficult until we practice.

17:21 So remember, it seems simple practice coping statements.

17:24 I am statements.

17:25 I am cool, calm and collected.

17:27 I am in control.

17:29 Whatever your coping statements that you think you'll use more often would be have them around.

17:35 And the next time you need them and you use the right syntax, syntax as you're talking to yourself, you're going to see that you will have more of an effect.

17:43 And speaking of brain talk, hemisphere switching styles stepping is what really this is called should I speak the style of the left hand side of the brain or the right hand side of the brain? Let me give you another example of right brained language versus left brain language. When you have to thank somebody for something, think about how you do that at work.

18:05 Let's say that you ask a colleague for some help and you're working on a project.

18:12 They deliver a report to you that you asked them to do for you.

18:17 And it's super complete.

18:19 All of the I's are dotted and t's are crossed and it's actually, you think, better than you could have done. It's wonderful.

18:25 And they spent a lot of time on that report.

18:27 How would you thank them for that? Okay. So right now, off the top of your head, how would you say thank you to that person for doing the report the way they did so complete and professional and polished and wonderful.

18:40 How would you say thank you? All right. Right now, if you said thanks for that report or if you alluded to the report right away, that's very left brain language.

18:51 That's probably where you mostly come from.

18:53 If you said something such as, wow, thank you for working so hard on that, it's better, but it's not totally where we want to go.

19:01 Because if you want to speak right brain language and really unlock the power of the right brain, which by the way, is the side of the brain that we use when making decisions like, am I going to help you again? Am I going to buy your product or service? Do I trust you? Our decisions are made in the right hand side of the brain.

19:20 Then we back those decisions up with logic from the left hand side and try to justify why we made those decisions.

19:26 But if you want people to side with you more often, connect with the right side of the brain more often, and we have the opportunity to do that when we say thank you.

19:35 Watch this.

19:36 There are three parts to delivering a thank you in a right directed manner.

19:43 Here are the three parts.

19:44 Number one, thank you for being.

19:47 And you describe the person that it took them to be to do whatever it is that they did. Then step number two, you want to thank them for whatever it is that they did or gave. And then number three, tell them the impact that it had now is having will have, and that will connect with the right hand side of the brain. Here's what I mean.

20:08 Let's say that you completed a report for me such as the one we just described. If I were to say to you, hey, thanks for that report, it was really great. How does that make you feel? Chances are it didn't make you feel anything right? Because all I talked about were logical, factual things.

20:25 But watch this.

20:27 If I were to say thank you for being so thorough and professional that you would take the time to help me like that and make such a wonderful report.

20:34 It's going to make a big difference in today's meeting, and I'll think of you when it does. If you're to deliver a thank you like that, people will be they'll feel it. They'll want to pass out because you have just connected with the right hand side of their brain. And in the language that you used, you made that connection in a strong way because you talked about not the thing that they did or gave you or whatever.

20:57 You talked about the person that they were.

20:59 When you say Thank you for taking the time, thank you for being so professional.

21:03 Thank you for being so courteous.

21:04 Thank you for being so patient that thanking them for the person that they are.

21:08 Then number two, you mentioned what they did.

21:11 And then number three, when I said, for example, I'm going to be thinking of you when this works for me in today's meeting or whatever I said it was about you again and the effect you're having on the world sounds simple, but if you go through those three steps, you're going to see people.

21:25 When you thank them, go.

21:27 You're welcome, because no one's ever thanked them like that before.

21:30 And you will know, oh, my gosh, there's something to this, right? Brain language. Mm hmm.

21:35 And it's going to have the same effect on your brain when you use techniques such as hemisphere switching that we described.

21:42 And one last thing, just to show you how clearly we can speak to different sides of the brain.

21:49 I'd like you to think about this.

21:53 Ok. What is your phone number at work? Backwards, including the area code.

21:58 Think fast. What is it? Phone number at work backwards.

22:01 Including the area code.

22:02 Think about it. Deliver it.

22:05 Okay. Here's what I believe you did just now.

22:09 You stopped him, right? And that's what we do when we have to stop and think about something that lives in the logical left hand side of the brain.

22:22 You can learn so much about what's really going on in someone else's brain when you learn to detect and interpret the visual cues that people send.

22:33 We'll talk more about those in our body language chapters, but very clearly and simply when people have to stop and think about something, they'll tell you what side of the brain they're accessing by which side of the brain their eyes go to.

22:45 Because when we have to stop and think about information, when we have to stop and look for information that lives in the left hand side of the brain, like math, phone numbers, memory, things like that.

22:56 When you ask somebody, what's your phone number at work backwards, including the area code, as I did to you, you'll stop and you'll you'll notice people will look over to the left because that's where that information lives.

23:06 And that, you will notice will always happen.

23:10 Remember that, because sometimes you're going to ask people things like.

23:14 Sweetheart. Why did you come in 2 hours late last night? Where were you? Where'd you go and watch? Some people. They'll do this.

23:21 What happened? I got a flat tire.

23:23 Or if you ask them at a time when they're totally not expecting it, you know, like you wait a few days, then you ask.

23:29 Hey, remember the other night when you came in late? What happened? That's when you really see people look to the left, and sometimes right, then and there, they'll give you the answer. What happened? The other oh, oh, my tire got flat and I had to spend some time fixing it.

23:41 But everything turned out okay in the end.

23:43 Or you will see people do this.

23:47 And when someone stops and thinks about an answer, such as for a question, such as the one I just asked you, and they look over to the right, what are they doing? They're searching, what part of the brain, what lives over their creativity, emotions. So what they're thinking is, hmm, what am I going to tell them? They're thinking of a good one for you, and it tends to be a good lie.

24:09 They're trying to think about because they're trying to invent something.

24:12 And you'll notice many times people will do this when you ask them a question.

24:17 And then they'll answer it.

24:18 Because first they're remembering and they're trying to think of the answer for you. Then they'll think, I'm not telling them that.

24:25 Then they'll look over to the right to make something up for you.

24:27 And it's so clear we can communicate with the left side of our own brain, the right side of our own brain.

24:34 We can stimulate the right hand side or the left hand side of other people's brains.

24:39 It's all about being deliberate.

24:41 And now that you know some of the strategies and the language patterns that you can use when communicating with others or when communicating with yourself, remember, that's called hemisphere switching.

24:52 I'm switching from one hemisphere to the other.

24:54 The more deliberate, the more tactical you are, the more of an impact you will have.

24:57 Because you know not only when, but how to speak to the different sides of the brain.

25:02 And a couple more tips for you when it comes to style stepping or hemisphere switching, speaking the language of the right brain or the left brain, if you're looking to hemisphere, switch in yourself, you're feeling emotional.

25:16 You want to pull yourself out of the emotions and get back into that logical side of the brain so you can remember your words, remember a pin number on your card or whatever it may be.

25:26 You can do what we talked about before.

25:28 Stop and think about your phone number backwards, including the area code, but that's going to get easy for you.

25:34 Eventually you'll be able to rattle it off.

25:36 So think about other things that require left brain stimulation.

25:40 For example, you could do math equations.

25:43 Most people hate that because it requires so much left brain stimulation.

25:47 Do some math equations when you feel emotions taking control and watch how it helps those emotions calm down a little bit.

25:54 Or maybe you want to do something such as? I've heard people, I could not do this, but I've heard people stop and recite the names of the Seven Dwarfs from Snow White.

26:02 Or maybe you had a neighbor growing up that had a big family, ten children.

26:07 Did you know all of their names, recite them or maybe you want to count backwards from a hundred by seven? Because many people you've probably seen when they get emotionally charged, they'll they'll stop and count to ten.

26:19 That comes from hemisphere switching.

26:21 However, it's a very ineffective way to hemisphere switch because it's so easy to count to ten or count backwards from ten is easy, counting backwards from 100 by seven or counting backwards from 100 by threes.

26:33 That's more difficult and that requires more left brain stimulation.

26:37 So try something like that.

26:39 And one more tip in terms of language patterns.

26:42 We talked earlier about how you can use empathy statements to connect with the right hand side of the brain. You notice somebody being very emotional and you want to basically get them unstuck.

26:53 So you speak to that side of the brain, helps them then become more logical.

26:57 Let's say that you want to show a very logical thinker.

27:01 I'm on your team. I'm being logical.

27:03 All right, I understand the message.

27:06 Remember that many times, silence is one of the most powerful communication tactics that we have.

27:13 And if you remain silent when you're dealing with a logical thinker who might be emotionally upset as well.

27:20 The two most powerful words that you can use to show somebody that you are comprehending the message that they send.

27:27 Now you can't say anything else, but the two words are.

27:31 I understand.

27:32 Sound simple. Watch how many people do not use that phrase when they're trying to convey that they understand a message.

27:39 The next time you're dealing with a logical thinker who might be speaking in a more monotone voice and using lots of words rather than in a more tonal voice, using lots of different tones and kind of being vague with their direct message. If you're dealing with somebody like that and you want to show them that you understand remaining silent and using the two words, I understand. He is one of the most powerful and infrequently used tactics.

28:06 Use it and you'll see a difference.

28:08 So in this lesson we learned more about the brain and the role it plays in communication.

28:12 We talked about how you can hemisphere switch and speak the different language and how to do that during emotionally charged or difficult situations.

28:21 We talked about what the correct syntax is, what it sounds like when you speak right brain language or left brain language.

28:28 And we talked about specific strategies such as hemisphere switching and self-talk that can help you keep in control of your own brain during emotionally charged situations.