Using Freestyle-Scripting to Effectively Respond to Unwanted Behavior

00:01 In this lecture, you'll learn how to use freestyle scripting to address a variety of different circumstances at work, as well as what a lead in line is and how to construct a proper lead in line to open conversations.

00:12 And finally, you'll learn how to address challenging behavior at work using simple duct tape tactics.

00:18 Let's start out by talking about freestyle scripting that you can use to address unwanted behavior at work.

00:24 The first script that I'll give you today is a script that you can use not just at work, but you can use it in your personal life as well.

00:30 I use it a lot when I need to deliver a difficult message where the substance of the message is, Here's the behavior you engaged in.

00:38 Don't do that again.

00:40 Instead, do this.

00:41 All right. Or let's say I'm at a restaurant and I got poor service, and I need to tell either the management or the waiter that I wasn't happy with my service, and I want something in exchange for the poor service I got.

00:54 A script like this can be used in those types of situations and in a variety of situations. The IOU script is a freestyle script that again helps you get the thoughts from your brain out of your mouth in a way that has been proven to be clear and effective, meaning many of us, when we have to have those difficult conversations.

01:13 You know what it's like when someone who isn't a polished communicator or hasn't practiced his or her skills has delivered a difficult message to you.

01:21 And you walk away thinking, What was that all about? I have no idea.

01:26 When you use a script to frame your thoughts, it increases the likelihood that your message will be clear and the people will walk away knowing exactly what it is that you wanted to say.

01:35 And it increases the odds that you'll find that middle ground of assertive behavior between passive and aggressive.

01:41 When you use this script.

01:43 Remember that before you deliver the script, which is really the meat of your message, you want to first construct a lead in line and a closing line.

01:52 But we're going to be talking about that after we talk about the meat of the message, the script. The IOU consists of five simple parts.

02:02 Again, there are many scripts for many different situations.

02:05 This script is designed to help you deliver a message that basically says, Here's what you did, here's why that's wrong, here's what I want and here's what you'll get. All right.

02:14 So let's start off with the first part of that type of message.

02:18 The A actions you need to tell somebody in this part of the script, here is what you did.

02:24 But we want to be specific.

02:26 We're going to talk about some danger phrases and power phrases for scripting, especially when you're trying to elicit a change in behavior.

02:32 But the A four actions should be one sentence.

02:36 Remember, if there is a a variety of behavior that you want to change in someone else, one behavior at a time is going to increase the odds that you'll see that change that you'd like.

02:48 Many of us know what it's like when we make the mistake or when someone has made the mistake with us of addressing a whole lot of behavior at one time.

02:56 It tends not to be effective.

02:58 So, for example, if I have an employee that comes in and I'm a new manager and the employee is late again and we've had this talk before, remember, again, most of us most of the time think we're saying something other than we're thinking.

03:13 The average person over 50% of the time is really saying something other than they believe they are saying.

03:20 For example, if I were to ask the average communicator after they said something, for example, let's say the average communicator says, John, I'd like you to be at your desk by the time the clock hits 9:00.

03:31 If I were to say to the average person after they said that.

03:35 Dave, did you just say, John, I want you to be at your desk by the time the clock hits 9:00? The average person will say, well, not exactly because we normally aren't aware what we're really saying.

03:46 And so if you repeat back to the average person, what they say, most of the time over half, they'll say, that's not exactly what I said.

03:56 Keep that in mind, because one of the benefits of scripting is many times we think I've told them that a million times I've said just that.

04:04 But chances are if you're not using a script, you're not really saying what you think you're saying, and a script helps you keep on track.

04:11 So the A is John.

04:13 Here's what you did, for example, not John.

04:16 I notice that you're coming in late a lot or John, sometimes you come in late.

04:20 It's more along the lines of John Yesterday you came in to work at 9:00 when your scheduled start, time is 8:45.

04:27 That's clear. One sentence describing the actions because remember, we want to describe behavior, not people.

04:34 We're addressing behavior, not people.

04:38 E You want to give the effects of the person's actions, meaning here's what happened, because you did that.

04:44 Now, sometimes we don't deliver this part.

04:47 We think we do, but we forget to tell somebody because you did this, this was the effect.

04:53 You were the cause of this effect.

04:55 And if you can articulate to somebody what the effect of their actions was, it will increase the likelihood of the change in behavior that you're going for.

05:05 For example, John, yesterday you came in at 915 rather than 9:00, which is your scheduled start time. Therefore, your coworkers had to cover for you and they're not paid to do that. Once we have done that, move along to the AI.

05:18 The AI is I want this for example.

05:22 Now I know that I've mentioned I want is going to be a danger phrase under normal circumstances. But for your planning purposes in the AEIOU script, the I is when you're going to tell somebody, Here's what I'm asking for right now, for example.

05:38 You need to be at your desk by the time the clock hits 9:00 with your green ready light on your phone. That means you're on time.

05:45 We really want to be specific when we're telling people what we want.

05:49 You may know what I mean when I say we're really good at telling people what we don't want. We're really good at saying, Stop coming in late.

05:57 Stop talking to me that way.

05:59 Stop doing this.

06:00 However, remember that the brain doesn't process information when we put it in that type of syntax.

06:06 When we use syntax that says, I do not want this.

06:10 We do not get the same result as we would if we were to instead say, I do want this.

06:17 So the I part is when you tell somebody, here's the behavior, I would like, for example, I'm going to put it all together so far.

06:24 John, yesterday you came in at 915 rather than 9:00, which is your scheduled start time. When you do that, your coworkers have to cover for you and they're not paid for that in the future.

06:33 Ensure that you're at your desk with the green light on your phone by the time the clock hits 9:00. That means you're on time.

06:39 And now we come to the O, the o is the or else this is the point where if you need to tell somebody, Hey, I'm giving you a heads up, if you do this again, you're going to suffer these consequences.

06:52 Now is the time to do that.

06:54 Hopefully you don't have to tell anybody that.

06:56 But there are times where we do.

06:57 For example, if you're a new manager and you need to tell somebody, or if you're an experienced manager and you need to tell somebody, hey, if you engage in this behavior again, I have no choice but to deliver these consequences.

07:10 You do it now. For example, John, if you come in late one more time, I'm going to have no choice but to add that to your employee record.

07:17 And if I do that, you're not going to be eligible for the promotion or the raise that I know you have your eye on.

07:23 And now is the most important part of the entire script, the you what you will get.

07:30 This is the part that most people forget to add to their scripts.

07:34 Most people aren't using scripts.

07:35 And when you tell somebody, I would like a change in behavior and you don't tell them what they will get out of it, you have dramatically decreased the odds that you're going to see that change in behavior.

07:47 As a savvy communicator, remember that benefit statements are key in a variety of different circumstances.

07:53 This is one of them.

07:55 If you can, at the end of your script, deliver a powerful benefit statement that motivates the person to whom you're delivering the script to do what it is that you're asking to do in the long run.

08:06 If you get into that habit delivering benefit statements, benefit statements, here's what I'd like. Here's what you'll get.

08:12 Here's what I'd like. Here's what you'll get.

08:14 You will see that in the long term, you will get a dramatic increase in the results that you'll find.

08:20 You'll get a dramatic increase in the amount of people that do what it is that you're asking them to do, as opposed to the average communicator who does not deliver a benefit statement at the end of a request.

08:30 But I'd like you to keep in mind, when you're formulating your benefit statement, keep the person's social style in mind.

08:37 For example, John, if you can come in on time from now until the end of the year, what if they are a analytical type? What would they be most likely to respond positively to? If they are an expressive type, what would they be most likely to respond positively to? And as we've discussed, those might not be the same thing for each personality type.

09:01 I mean, if I were to say, for example, to a driver type and if you can come on time from now until the end of the year, your coworkers would appreciate it and it would strengthen the relationship that you have with them.

09:12 Would they care about that? No chances are a driver would hear that and think to themselves.

09:20 I'm not here to make friends, but okay.

09:22 However, if you were to say that, to what type would it be most motivating? The amiable type tends to hear things like that and think, okay, yeah, I do want to strengthen my relationships.

09:35 And remember that for a lot of men, if you can't think of a benefit statement, I mean, really many times it's difficult for us to think of a benefit statement, but if you can't think of one.

09:45 For many men, more men than women.

09:48 If you simply say, and we will not have to discuss this again, we will not have to have one of these talks again. That's a big benefit for a lot of men or left brainers.

09:57 Most men tend to be left brainers.

09:59 But remember, use a script when you need to deliver a difficult conversation. A I owe you.

10:06 Here's what you did.

10:07 Here's why that's wrong.

10:09 Here's what I'm asking for and here's what you'll get or what you'll avoid.

10:13 Keep in mind, if you cannot think of a benefit statement, do not have the talk until you can. Many times we think, Well, I'm asking for this and I'm just going to ask for it. I don't know what's in it for them.

10:25 If you can't articulate, here's the benefit to you don't have the talk until you can, because I would not respond well if somebody were to, especially at work, ask me for something and tell me I'm not getting anything for what they're asking for.

10:39 That's why we're at work, right? So if you can't think of a positive benefit statement, you can sometimes get away with talking about the pain that they will be avoiding.

10:49 So if you can't say, Oh, here's what you'll get, you can sometimes instead say, Here's what you'll avoid.

10:55 And that's pretty good for a lot of people.

10:57 And remember that when you're delivering a script, especially when you're asking for a change in behavior using generalizations, generalizations, or things like always, never, sometimes.

11:08 Occasionally they sabotage the entire message that comes after it.

11:11 And you know what I mean? Because a lot of us at home, we've heard somebody say to us, you know, you are always or why don't you ever or you never? And as soon as somebody says to us, you never yada, yada, yada, you are always blah, blah, blah.

11:30 Every time a yada yada, our self-talk starts to speed up.

11:35 You know, if my boss were to say to me or if your boss were to say to you, You know, I've noticed that you're coming in late.

11:42 Frequently, the average person, when they hear words like frequently, sometimes, never, occasionally they're going to start thinking, What are you talking about? Or coming in frequently, late just on time.

11:51 Last Monday, nobody noticed that.

11:52 I'm just getting this big talk about I'm coming in late frequently.

11:54 Remember, our self-talk goes at 800 words per minute, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah. If you use generalizations, it increases that.

12:03 Be specific and say last Thursday at 5:00, here's what you did this morning. You came in late.

12:10 Then the self-talk simply says, Yeah, I'm busted, and you'll be more likely to get them to open up and hear the message.

12:18 And one last danger phrase.

12:20 If you're having a talk with somebody about something they said that rubbed you the wrong way, and you're not going to use a simple hamburger such as when you I feel because but instead you decide, no, this requires a much larger script.

12:34 The phrase you said increases self-talk because remember, more than half the time, if you say to somebody, didn't you say or here's what you said, people are going to think to themselves, I didn't say that, even if it is exactly what they said.

12:48 So avoid that phrase.

12:49 And instead of saying you said it's not about what they said, it's about what you heard. And so if I were to say to you in this morning's meeting, you said, yada, yada increases your self-talk.

13:00 If I were to instead say in this morning's meeting, I heard yada yada, you're going to be more open to receive that message.

13:07 Because I'm not talking about you.

13:08 I'm talking about me.

13:10 Another tip if you have to deliver this type of message to somebody who might be on your level or a higher level of authority, and you're worried about offending them.

13:19 Many of us struggle finding the right words to say, Hey, boss, here's what you did and here's why that's wrong.

13:25 Can I ask you to stop doing that, please? That can be very tricky.

13:29 Remember the difference between the active and the passive voice.

13:34 Keep in mind in this example, when I'm talking about the passive voice, it's simply an English grammatical term.

13:40 It has nothing to do with active communicators, passive communicators, aggressive communicators.

13:45 It's simply referring to the sentence structure.

13:49 When you use the active voice, the subject of the sentence acts, it does something. For example, you let me down.

13:57 The ball bounced down the street.

14:00 He kicked the ball.

14:01 That's the active voice.

14:03 The thing at the beginning of the sentence does something.

14:06 The passive voices were the thing at the beginning of the sentence has something done to it. For example, the ball was kicked down the street by him. I was let down by you.

14:21 And when you use the passive voice to describe something, it's a very simple way.

14:24 If you get used to using it, a very simple way to take the blame off of somebody and not cast blame on anybody.

14:31 For example. John, in this morning's meeting, you called me kiddo in front of my peers.

14:37 And when you do that, you embarrass me.

14:40 That's active. I'm very deliberately saying, here's what you did right.

14:44 And it sounds like it.

14:45 Instead, if I use the passive voice, I can take that exact same message and say, John, in this morning's meeting, I was embarrassed when I was called Kiddo in front of my peers.

14:54 And I'm saying I was embarrassed because this was done to me instead of you embarrassed me when you did this to me.

15:00 Simple, right? For example, if I wanted to say, John, could you please in the future do it this way? If I were to instead use the passive voice, I could say, John, in the future, do you think it could be done this way? It sounds simple right now, but when it comes time for you to deliver the message, it can be tricky if you're not used to distinguishing, identifying and using the active versus the passive voice.

15:27 So get used to it and watch how it's used in different places.

15:29 If you haven't had that lesson since fourth grade, because that's when we tend to learn about it. And then once fifth grade comes, we tend to flush that away.

15:36 So you can use that information again and you'll see it very applicable in day to day business situations. But you have to be familiar with the sentence structure and most of us that's not our favorite part of English class.

15:47 So get used to it, recognize it, use it and it can help.

15:50 You have those difficult talks without casting blame.

15:53 But remember we said before you even formulate the script, you must have your lead in line and your closing line down because we all know what it's like when we have a manager or a boss or a friend.

16:08 Come to us and say something at the beginning of one of these difficult talks that sounds something like this.

16:14 Hey, John, could I could I could I talk to you for a minute? And when people say things like that, we know right away, bam, and the blink of an eye. This is going to be one of those conversations.

16:25 But I'm not really going to pay attention because you have no power or somebody will come to us or wait for us when we come home and say something such as, Glad you're home, we need to talk.

16:36 And when we hear that type of phrase, most of us get sick to our stomachs because nothing good has ever come after that, right? No one has ever said, we need to talk.

16:46 I just bought you a brand new car.

16:47 Remember that the lead in line sets up a conversation so that the person listens to you and thinks, Oh, I must pay attention now but doesn't consider you to be too aggressive. So they close the lines of communication and does not consider you to be more passive so they don't pay attention to your message.

17:03 And a lead in line is so critical because it helps you not say things that increases self-talk or decreases self-talk.

17:12 Remember, with a wrong lead in line such as John, we need to talk about what happened in yesterday's meeting.

17:19 If I set up a conversation like that with an employee, their self talk could easily go up to 850 900 words per minute while they're thinking, Oh my gosh, am I going to get fired? Am I going to get fired? Am I going to get fired? Or if I were to say to a loved one, let's say my my spouse.

17:34 Sweetheart, I hope you know how much I love you, but.

17:37 And then move along.

17:39 I love you. But is a delete phrase because it increases self-talk.

17:43 And people are going to think, what's going on here? Are you dumping me? But remember, the average person is not as confident as we give them credit for in our relationship.

17:51 Whether it's at work or at home, we tend to think things like, Oh, they know I'm not going to dump them. They know I'm not going to fire them.

17:57 People do not know that.

17:58 And so if you don't set up a conversation correctly, people will think sometimes until the very end, how's this going to go down? What's happening here? For example, let's say that you are talking to an employee and you need to talk about some behavior that they had.

18:12 If you reference the future, you can put people's mind at ease the whole time and say, John, I want you to know how much I've always enjoyed working with you and I look forward to your future in this company.

18:21 That said, let's talk about this.

18:23 But in normal conversations, under normal circumstances, when you need to construct a lead in line, if you're not sure of the protocol or the words, because I get as I told you, I get frustrated when I don't know what are the steps.

18:36 Here are the three steps that you can use to construct a powerful lead in line that grabs attention but isn't aggressive.

18:43 Number one, make them short, meaning sometimes we don't know when to stop. And so we will be starting a conversation and we'll say to somebody something along the lines of, Hey, John, can I talk to you for a minute about what happened in yesterday's meeting? Yeah, it'll just.

18:59 It'll just take a minute, but I just need to talk to you.

19:02 And we have ruined the whole conversation with something like that because we weren't prepared, we weren't polished, and it shows make them short.

19:10 Part number two, use I language.

19:13 We talk about this a lot in communication courses and you probably have heard this before. Make it about you.

19:19 It is, after all, all about you.

19:22 When you open a conversation that's going to be a difficult one about the other person.

19:26 It's best to start it talking about you.

19:29 I language is not by the way the I language of the seventies where we had a movement where people were talking about their feelings and how they felt, not that type of language. This language means I'm going to describe the way I feel at this moment. So what I want to do is, as I describe how I feel at this moment and I keep it short, remember that when you use somebody's name, it's magic to their ears, and it does create just a little tiny drop of those positive chemicals that we have discussed, like serotonin.

20:02 And it makes people feel good when they hear their name just for a moment, just a little bit. But if I were to put these three principles together and use a lead in line.

20:09 Such as. John I'm concerned or Mark I'm frustrated.

20:15 John I'm confused.

20:16 Mary I'm troubled.

20:19 I particularly like the I'm troubled line because when you say to the average person, I'm troubled. They think, Oh my gosh, what about because no one ever uses the phrase, I'm troubled. And if you use that type of lead in line, use the person's name. I'm blank name, I'm adjective. Mark I'm frustrated.

20:39 You'll notice that people tend to say, what about and lean into you.

20:44 Open up their posture and pay attention because people want to help.

20:48 When you say, I'm frustrated, I'm concerned, I'm troubled, I'm confused, they want to help. Now, the fact that I'm concerned or frustrated or troubled because of your behavior, that's coming up later.

20:59 But we want to first plan the lead in line now.

21:02 We've done that plan, the closing line as well.

21:05 Closing lines are simple.

21:07 The purpose of a closing line is to get the person that you just delivered that message to, to say, yes, yep, I'll do that.

21:15 Even if you believe that, they don't really mean it when they say yes.

21:19 Getting somebody to say yes has increased the odds that they will actually do what it is that you just asked them to do.

21:26 What I mean by that is you want to get a yes, not a conversation.

21:31 So if you're looking for a specific yes, ask a closed ended question for your closing line.

21:37 We've talked about a lot of different types of questions.

21:39 A closed ended question is one where you are specifically asking for a yes or a no. You're not asking a what do you think about that or how do you feel about that question? You're asking something along the lines of Will that work for you? Or Can I count on you for that? Can I count on you as one of my favorite leading lines? Because when you say to the average person, Can I count on you for that? Even if they don't hear what comes before it? Like if you say to the average person, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, can I count on you? Watch how they'll say Yes you can.

22:11 What it is to agree to, because we don't want to be thought of as somebody that others cannot count on.

22:18 You know, you don't want to if somebody were to say to you, Can I count on you? You don't want to respond by saying.

22:26 Who? Me? No, no.

22:29 I'm totally unreliable.

22:30 No one can count on me.

22:31 Right. So if you say to the average person some version of Can I count on you for that? People will say yes.

22:37 And even if they thought, Oh, rats, I didn't want to agree to that.

22:40 I don't want to do that. Well, now you've gotten their commitment and the odds of them doing it have gone up, and it's all about the odds.

22:46 So once you have those tools before you walk into a difficult conversation, instead of avoiding them, you can take a moment and say, okay, here's the protocol.

22:57 If I need to tell somebody X, Y, Z, I'm a new manager.

23:00 I need to tell an employee to change their behavior.

23:03 All right? What I'm supposed to do is come up with the a e I owe you.

23:08 Okay, I got that.

23:09 And then really get down your lead in line.

23:12 In closing line, because if you don't have those down right, it can sabotage your whole message. So, for example, a common scenario for a new manager is he or she is now leading a team that they used to be a part of.

23:23 One of the team members keeps coming in late to meetings.

23:26 It's disruptive. And now that new manager has the unfortunate task of telling what used to be a colleague that they need to change their behavior.

23:35 That's a terrible feeling for most people, and they don't want to have that talk.

23:38 So they avoid it, don't avoid it, just have a plan.

23:42 So the plan, if you were to use the AEIOU script, could sound something like this.

23:47 Lead in line, Mark, I need your help.

23:50 A IOU yesterday, when you came in 10 minutes late to the meeting, it was disruptive and it took time out for us to get back on track.

23:58 Furthermore, we didn't get to hear your ideas in the future.

24:00 If you could ensure that you're in the meeting, at your seat with your papers and everything ready to go by the time the meeting starts, which is, by the way, 10:00 on Tuesdays, we won't have to have this talk again and you can get your ideas heard and people will respect them more than if you come in late.

24:16 Can I count on you to do that, please? And when you say something like that, I have my lead in line, my script, my closing line.

24:22 How could I possibly make the message clearer? Now I know I am following the steps.

24:28 I'm following the protocol.

24:29 I know what I said.

24:31 I could repeat it again.

24:32 And the message was clear.

24:34 Not passive, not aggressive, but assertive.

24:38 And the last couple of things we're going to talk about in this chapter are what do we do if somebody challenges us, for example, and we're looking for a new response? You know, we've already talked about, for example, I could ask a magic question to the average person and say, interesting, why would you say that to me? I could use the but rebuttal and say something such as? Well, we're not talking about that.

24:59 We are talking about this.

25:01 Let's talk about another strategy that you can use when somebody engages in difficult behavior.

25:07 And they may be doing it to challenge you, but you can use these in a variety of different circumstances.

25:13 These are, again, duct tape tactics.

25:16 Remember, we talked about the spotlight question.

25:18 The spotlight question, remember, is used to uncover and shine light on passive aggressive behavior.

25:25 When someone says or does something where you think.

25:29 No, I don't think you're really being nice, you're being nasty, but you're just not being upfront about it.

25:37 We have trouble responding to things like that.

25:39 Spotlight questions help us ask clarifying questions.

25:43 John Are you trying to insult me? John Are you trying to disrupt this meeting? John Are you trying to say you don't like my proposal? But when you have used a spotlight question and you think, no, that's just not really getting there, there's more to it.

25:59 For example, you could be in a meeting and you could ask somebody, let's say that one of your employees or a coworker, as you were presenting your idea, did one of these.

26:10 And didn't say anything to you, but they were obviously saying something about you.

26:16 What do we do? And if I were to say to John, for example, John, are you trying to disrupt this meeting? John might say something like, Well, I'm just saying.

26:25 I think that was a bad idea.

26:27 I'm just saying this, that or the other and actually responds with something other than, oh, no, no, no, no.

26:33 So now I have a situation on my hands.

26:35 I'm supposed to address behavior in front of others.

26:38 Try asking a redirect with assumptions.

26:42 Meaning if you need to call someone on his or her behavior, remember that you also need to tell people how to behave.

26:49 We can't expect that others know how to behave with us.

26:52 We always, as assertive, savvy communicators, have to tell people what the rules are and what they will get if they communicate in the manner that I'm telling you to communicate in. So if I might use a redirect with assumptions with John, it would sound like this. John, when you're ready to speak to me as the professional that I am, I'll be ready to continue this conversation.

27:13 And there are many different ways we can use the redirect with assumptions and many different things that might come after that.

27:19 For example, I could add an empowering phrase Are you ready now? Or Would you like a few minutes? But if you master first the redirect with assumptions, you can then use it in a variety of different circumstances.

27:31 Like with my nephew, I say to my nephew frequently things such as Amen.

27:36 When you're ready to unlock the car doors, I'll be ready to take you to the movies.

27:39 And when you use a redirect with assumptions correctly, remember, it does two things you're telling people. Number one, the behavior that you'd like.

27:47 Number two, the benefit that they'll enjoy once they engage in the behavior you're asking for. So I can, in front of other people or in private, say to an employee who challenges me something like, All right, well, when you're ready to speak to me as the professional that I am, I'll be ready to continue this conversation.

28:04 And I could maybe ask for it to continue now.

28:07 Maybe I could ask for a continuation later.

28:10 And there are many situations where you can use redirect with assumptions.

28:13 For example, when you're ready to stop using profanity, I'll be ready to continue this conversation. All of the tactics that we talk about here you can use at home, you can use that work because remember that we train people how to treat us everywhere and the same strategies that train employees how to behave. Our strategies that we can use to train people that we love.

28:35 How to behave, that we can use to train children, how to behave.

28:39 All communication strategies that are truth, that work that have been proven to work in certain circumstances, will work in a variety of circumstances.

28:48 So take advantage of these tactics, both at work and at home.

28:51 In this lecture, you'll learn how to address a variety of different difficult behavior using freestyle scripting methods.

28:57 You also learned how to open up and close those difficult conversations using lead in lines and closing lines, as well as a couple of duct tape tactics to address a variety of different, difficult situations.