Using the Enneagram to Identify and Stop Difficult Behavior Before it Manifests

00:01 In this lecture, we're going to review what the nine different Enneagram compulsions are and how you can speak the language of each type if you simply keep things like power phrase lists available.

00:13 And then of course, doing that helps you avoid using danger phrases that tend to s abotage your success with each of the nine types.

00:22 Let's start out quickly reviewing what the different types are.

00:27 Remember that using the Enneagram there are nine compulsions and basically we all have all nine of those compulsions in us.

00:34 Every one of us is concerned.

00:36 Am I doing this the right way? Am I needed? Am I wanted? Am I successful? We're all concerned with each one of the nine compulsions.

00:43 Just as we all have each one of the four different social styles within us.

00:48 So if you are somebody who says, boy, you know, I just I really can't pinpoint which one I am.

00:55 I'm a mixture of all of them.

00:56 We all are.

00:58 But we all have a tendency towards one social style over the other three and one compulsion over the other eight.

01:06 What we're going to do now is review the nine different types and then we'll talk a bout what to do.

01:13 So let's start back at number one.

01:16 Remember that the number one is the one who is compelled to be perfect and their language patterns are going to reflect that.

01:24 So when you're dealing with a number one, we're going to be talking about ways that you can implement danger phrases and power p hrases with that person so that you don't mistakenly sabotage your relationship or c ause a problem simply by using words that you could avoid.

01:39 The number twos, they're the ones who want to be needed.

01:43 Number threes are the ones who want to be s uccessful.

01:46 Number fours are the ones who want to be special.

01:49 Number fives are the ones who have to have the information and investigate.

01:54 Number sixes are the ones who want to know what the rules are so they can follow them.

01:58 Number sevens want to be happy and they want to be the life of the party and make others happy. Number eights, they want to be powerful and they want others to respect their authority. And then there's the nine.

02:11 They want to be peaceful and they want to bring that peace to the earth.

02:15 So let's start out talking about power p hrases and danger phrases, because remember that the important thing is not to know what somebody's type is, and it's not really to know what the system is.

02:27 You might know a lot about the Enneagram, you might know a lot about the social styles, but it's about what you do with that information that makes it important, right? So while we're talking about different, difficult people in this module, I didn't want to leave without going over the nine types of the Enneagram and what style stepping means to those nine types.

02:47 Let's assume that you have a number one in your office.

02:51 You've already taken the test yourself and you had your coworker or your boss or whoever that number one is.

02:57 Take the test.

02:58 And now that you know there are number one, what are you going to do? What you can do is this make a danger p hrase list and a power phrase list, specifically for the number one.

03:10 Now, if you work in a large team and you know that you have all nine types, I recommend that you make nine different danger phrase lists and power phrase lists, and you put those up on the wall at work.

03:21 And as you communicate with each person, as each person communicates with one another you all as a team add to this list.

03:30 So if, for example, I am a number one and somebody says to me something such as, Yeah, you can stop there, then I think that's good enough.

03:38 That wouldn't hit my ears, right, because I would think.

03:43 Good enough is never enough.

03:45 I need to hear that this is perfect before I will stop obsessing over it.

03:49 And if I thought that, or if I noticed that when I said to someone, yeah, that's pretty good. Because remember, especially when dealing with these types, these danger phrases aren't set in stone the way they are the power phrases.

04:02 Neither are set in stone the way they are.

04:05 You can add to the lists as you find different things that don't work, as you find different things that do work, and you can m odify each phrase to suit your style.

04:14 So if I found that when I say to a number one, for example.

04:18 That's pretty good.

04:20 Oh, it's almost there.

04:22 And I realize all of those types of phrases tend to impede their production.

04:27 They tend to make them stuck.

04:30 They tend to then get obsessed with working and working and working until they can be validated that their work and sometimes that means them t hat they are perfect.

04:41 So therefore, if you keep a list up.

04:43 The number one, you can start it out with the phrase.

04:46 Good enough and the phrase perfect.

04:49 That's the beginning of your danger phrase list and power phrase list for the ones.

04:53 The ones can contribute to it and other people can contribute to it.

04:57 What you'll notice is each list is going to be unique and each list is going to be something that will help you specifically n ot just communicate with that other person, but understand them.

05:07 Because if you're reading a list, let's say that you're a two and you read the list of the three. Chances are you're going to go through that list and you'll say, w hy is this on here? You know, on a threes list? Why does it say pretty good? Why is that bad to hear? Or why is a power phrase something such as successful or why is it the best? Why is that on your list? And it's also on this other person's list, but it's not on this list. When you can open discussions like that, people feel more comfortable because there are visual cues around them saying, This is important to me and my organization. People will talk about it and you'll learn about them and you'll learn specific language patterns to either add or remove from your verbal repertoire.

05:49 Like the number two, the twos want to hear that they are important.

05:54 So tell them that find ways.

05:56 And by the way, you can find ways that are nonverbal to tell the people with whom you work that they are important to you.

06:04 Right. And one of these lessons we talked about.

06:07 The different languages of appreciation.

06:10 So if you were to, for example tell the number two that they were important to you, you could say that verbally.

06:16 We want to add that more to our speech p atterns when we deal with twos than with any other number. But let's say that, you know, I keep telling the two, I want you to know you're important. I want you to know that you're an integral part of this team.

06:29 I want you to know that I don't know what we'd do without you.

06:32 But now you want to show it.

06:34 Let's say that the number two's language was giving and receiving gifts.

06:38 How might you do it in that language? How might you tell it, too, that they're important to you? If their language was quality time.

06:46 You see.

06:46 All the different ways that we have to style step.

06:50 All of the different opportunities that we have to expand our language patterns and horizons and connect with people on such a deeper level in the average person does.

07:00 Why? Because we know.

07:01 About these systems and we know what tools to use.

07:04 It's all you need to do and then decide to implement them.

07:07 For example, with the number two, I would never want to tell them that they are not needed.

07:14 For example, on my danger phrase list for twos I have the word free.

07:18 The reason I put the word free doesn't mean, for example you're at a discount price.

07:22 You're free today.

07:23 What it means is I don't want you to believe that in my eyes.

07:28 Yeah, you're free to go, for example, at the end of the day.

07:32 If a two asks.

07:35 Hey, is it alright if I come back in the morning.

07:36 I've been working late, but I haven't finished yet.

07:39 And I know that I need to get this project done.

07:42 In that case, for example, their mind, they're thinking, boy, this is really important. I'm really needed.

07:47 And if I were dismissive to them and said something like oh yeah, you're free to go and acted as if you of course you can go.

07:54 If I communicate to a two in my eyes, you're free.

07:58 You can go. I don't need you here right now.

08:01 That would be something that I would like to hear.

08:03 I'm a number three. I'd like to hear from my boss or from my coworkers.

08:06 Oh, yeah. You're free to go.

08:07 It's okay. You can keep your own schedule.

08:09 That's cool. It's not the twos language.

08:11 Keep a list around until things like that sink in to everybody.

08:15 Number three.

08:17 If you keep a list out, chances are that at the top of that list, you're going to start o ut with things such as the best.

08:23 Number one, because threes want to know that they are the best at what they do. They don't need to be the best at everything.

08:30 But I want the threes in my organizations through acts of service or gifts or words to know you're the best or you're going to be the best.

08:39 I can tell that you are going to dominate your profession.

08:43 I never want to tell a number three.

08:46 You're really good.

08:47 You're pretty.

08:48 Good. Yeah, you're above average because if you tell that to a three.

08:53 They're not going to be able to sleep at night, they're not going to be productive and they will act out to show you, I'm not good.

08:58 I'm the best number fours remember that.

09:02 We want to let them know that they are unique, but we don't always want to tell them, Boy, you're unique.

09:07 This is a unique position.

09:09 Perfect for you, you're special.

09:11 There are going to be many different ways that we will find to tell the four You are special. You're not like everybody else.

09:18 Once you discover new ways, add them to the list, and once you discover what aggravates a four and gets them stuck, add t hat to the danger phrase list like common. You know, for example, if I were to somehow imply t hat the way a Ford does something, even though it may be a perfect way to do it and it's efficient and it's working for me, if I say, yeah, that's the way people normally do it, meaning that's common.

09:42 It's average.

09:43 All of a sudden they're going to start doing things differently.

09:45 That might not work for me because I made the mistake of using a verbal pattern that conveyed the message that's common.

09:52 The fives. I want them to know the information that you gather.

09:56 I need that.

09:58 I need you to share with me what you know, all of the things that you've been spending time learning, all of the information you've been gathering.

10:06 You're right. We need that.

10:08 Keep a list around and you will find different ways to tell them that what you don't want to tell a five is.

10:14 Nope, I don't need to know that.

10:16 Nope. That's frivolous. Wow.

10:17 You spent 2 hours on that.

10:19 Well, that was too much time.

10:20 You really. You went overboard.

10:21 You got too much information.

10:23 They don't want to think that.

10:25 Let them know you appreciate what they do and the time that it takes for them to do it.

10:30 Number six, when you say to a number six, for example, I appreciate your help. Oh, thank you so much.

10:36 I don't know what I could do without you.

10:38 You are helpful or this.

10:40 Position would be great for you.

10:41 It's a helping position.

10:43 They like that.

10:44 If I tell a number six, however, yeah, that that bothers me or no that that's not good for the team.

10:51 However you do that, however you did that or this thing that I want you to do, it kind of shakes things up. It makes people uncomfortable.

10:58 That's the last thing they want to do.

11:00 That is one of the first things a four might want to do.

11:03 You know, I have a new position that I think you'll love.

11:05 It's going to really shake things up around here.

11:07 Fours would love that.

11:08 Sixes. It would be the opposite of what they would love.

11:11 But if we always speak our.

11:13 Verbal patterns, we will always be speaking to our own compulsion.

11:18 Number sevens.

11:20 They're the ones, remember, who want to be told.

11:23 They want to be acknowledged for the joy that they bring every place, not the peace, the joy. They're the life of the party.

11:30 They're the ones everybody likes.

11:32 They're the ones that bring sunshine wherever they go.

11:35 So if, I want to let them know that they are one thing in my eyes, I want to let you know things such.

11:41 As, you know, it's great to.

11:42 Have you around because you're so cheerful.

11:44 It's great to have you around because you just bring joy and sunshine every place you go.

11:49 If I want them to feel uncomfortable, if I want to push them out of my organization, I'm going to keep telling them to calm down.

11:56 You know what? We're not here to make friends.

11:58 You know what? This is not party time.

12:01 This is not a place to come and just have fun.

12:04 We work here.

12:05 And if those are the types of messages I send to a seven, in essence, calm down. I'm going to drive that seven right out of my organization.

12:14 A number eight, remember, is the one who wants to hear they are powerful.

12:17 When you're describing something to an eight, for example, if I have a position that I want the eight to fill.

12:24 I would use words to describe that position.

12:26 Such as powerful.

12:27 I think you'd really like this position.

12:29 It's a very powerful one.

12:31 You'd be managing lots of people, but I think someone like you, you could do it.

12:35 They love to hear that.

12:36 If I were to say to them, however, I have a position that I think would be good for you. But remember, you're going to have to ensure that you come on time, that you do it the way we tell you to do it and you don't g o off script.

12:49 That would be torture.

12:50 Because an eight doesn't want to be told.

12:52 We're going to tell you how to do something.

12:54 The eight wants to be told.

12:56 You're going to tell others how to do things.

12:58 The nine, they're the ones that.

13:01 They love, the good vibe.

13:03 They love stability, they love peace.

13:07 I might, for example, if I'm trying to appeal to a nine, talk about how something is s table, talk about the similarities.

13:14 Between what they have now and what I'm offering them in the future.

13:17 For example, I might tell a nine, I think you're going to like the new Mac system that's going to be coming in your new computer.

13:25 Oh, I didn't tell you. You're getting a new computer.

13:27 Don't worry. You're going to like it.

13:29 It's very similar to the one that you're using now.

13:31 Just a couple of easy changes that I think you'll enjoy.

13:34 As opposed to if I thought, okay, they're the four, I would tell them something like, Oh, the new Mac you're getting, you're going to love it.

13:42 It's totally different from what you're using.

13:44 You'll find lots of new, exciting changes.

13:46 I want to know what's your language? For example, with the nines.

13:49 I don't want to say things such as, Oh, I'm not really sure what's in it. There's some random changes in the software but you'll figure it out. They don't want to have chaos or d isruption or go off course or off.

14:04 Plan nines want to keep it easy.

14:06 Nines want to know what the rules are and follow them, not know what the rules are and break them, such as some of the other types would do these things are very easy for us to forget. Very easy.

14:17 And what I'd like to impress upon you in this lesson is that if you first of all, learn the different styles, the different types, different communication t actics and then take steps to use them and implement them, you can see dramatic changes in a very short amount of time.

14:33 If you simply keep, for example the lists that we started.

14:36 Today, a danger phrase list and a power p hrase list for each number.

14:40 By the way, this works great at home because many times when we're talking to our spouse or kids, whoever may be at home, there are challenges that we face over and over and over and over again.

14:51 And sometimes it's one little piece of information such as.

14:55 Oh.

14:57 You're an Eight.

14:58 Well, that explains everything.

14:59 Now I know why you do what you do.

15:02 It's those little pieces of information that help us overcome huge communication barriers that we've been struggling with our whole life.

15:09 I hope that the tools that we talked about today.

15:12 The danger phrase lists, the power phrase lists, which all really comes down to style stepping help you overcome your relationship challenges.

15:19 In this lesson, you learned how to identify more the different personality types or compulsions in the Enneagram that drive human behavior.

15:28 How to speak to those types in their language, using the help of power phrase and danger phrase lists, which also help you a void using the wrong phrases and sabotaging your communication success.