Defusing Emotionally-Charged Situations

00:01 In this lecture, you'll learn how to avoid making the three most common mistakes that we make when dealing with difficult people, as well as how to avoid engaging with different, difficult people by using something called goat hiding.

00:14 And finally, we'll talk about different ways that we can speak to the right hand side of the brain when dealing with an emotionally charged person so that we can get through to the left hand side of the brain.

00:25 Let's start out talking about the three most common mistakes that we make when dealing with emotionally charged or difficult people.

00:34 Number one, we tend to take the bait or engage, meaning when we are difficult.

00:42 We all have an expectation.

00:44 We expect other people, when we engage in difficult behavior ourselves, to react to us a certain way. Right.

00:51 For example, you know, when you are really difficult, you kind of know how people will react to that. When it comes to dealing with difficult people.

01:00 We are all, in a sense, walking ATM machines, walking cash machines. What happens is the difficult person will come up to us and push our buttons and then stand back and wait for a reaction.

01:13 And we tend to give it to them over and over and over and over.

01:17 And they keep coming back.

01:19 However, have you ever been to an ATM machine, a cash machine where you put your card in and it did not give you money? If you have, chances are you never returned to that machine because we do not keep going back to places that don't reward us for going there.

01:38 So step number one, don't take the bait.

01:41 Recognize when people are casting the bait in your direction and hoping that you'll take it and engage with them so that you will validate their feelings.

01:50 Number two, we reward the behavior.

01:54 Remember that when you deal with a exclusive event, somebody one time crossed your path, acted in an irrational fashion, and then left.

02:04 And you never saw them or that behavior again.

02:07 That can be about them, but that tends not to be what people struggle with.

02:11 People struggle with.

02:13 Dan, my boss is always doing X, Y, Z, or Dan every time I come home.

02:19 Here's what happens when I talk to my spouse.

02:22 When we are frustrated with difficult behavior from other people.

02:27 It tends to be behavior that we're seeing over and over and over and over and over again. And not just in one person, but in several people.

02:34 I have to recognize that it is I who rewards the difficult behavior in my life.

02:40 Therefore, it causes it to keep coming back again and again and again.

02:44 So I'd like you to start recognizing when you have patterns of difficult behavior in your life, what is it that you're doing to reward it, to keep that difficult behavior in many different forms and people coming back again and again and again.

02:58 For example, if you think to yourself, who am I dealing with the time sucker? And let's say that you have a time, sucker.

03:05 The time sucker is the person who comes down the hallway and you start to cringe thinking, Oh, no, oh, no. And then they come into your office half an hour later, you don't know what happened to the morning.

03:14 If you deal with a time sucker every day, ask yourself, why are they coming to me every day? What am I giving them? Maybe you're simply giving them your time.

03:23 Maybe you're giving them someone to validate the way they feel.

03:27 But when you stop giving people the rewards, they stop coming around.

03:32 For example, people will ask me a lot, what do I do at work? You know, my my friend that I work with is always gossiping and backstabbing.

03:40 Stop rewarding it.

03:41 Generally, when there's a pattern in your life, it is not about the other people.

03:46 It is about you. Once we recognize that, that it's about us, it is always about me, then I have control over it.

03:52 So it's a good thing to say it is my fault.

03:54 I am the cause of this recurring pattern of behavior because then I am the solution as well. And engaging with difficult people, taking the bait, rewarding the behavior, and somehow engaging.

04:07 For example, let's say that I am in a meeting and the person sitting next to me makes a passive aggressive joke and then laughs and I turn to the person. And many of us will do this instead of saying something that I feel like, Please don't disrupt the meeting or instead of ignoring it.

04:26 Many of us do things like and we will somehow go along with them, validate them, pay attention to them, and give them attention that encourages the behavior to continue.

04:39 So remember, if you find yourself engaging with difficult people in any way, maybe you're taking the bait and reacting to them in an angry way.

04:47 Maybe you are engaging with them by validating them, giving them time, giving them rewards. If you stop doing that and recognize, hmm, maybe I could simply respond to them, which would create a goat hiding situation, or which could actually prevent the situation from happening in the future. Because I could be assertive with my communication.

05:09 That is something that is most likely different for you.

05:12 And remember, when you communicate differently from how you communicated in the past, you will have a different experience from how you experienced in the past.

05:21 So if you are frustrated with something that keeps happening, communicate differently.

05:26 It's difficult.

05:27 It can sometimes be uncomfortable, just like when we dance new dance steps.

05:30 But you will see a change in the results that you get.

05:34 You will see a change in the experience you have.

05:37 And remember that goat hiding is simply when you respond to somebody in a way that's cool, calm and collected, that doesn't engage, that doesn't validate, that doesn't take the bait, but does respond at the same time taking away the reward that the person was expecting.

05:54 For example, let's say that somebody gossips with you.

05:57 We have two choices.

05:58 We can do a cost benefit analysis.

06:01 I can either somehow engage and reward and validate, or I could address the behavior which is different from confronting.

06:09 Remember, confront is a danger phrase.

06:12 Address is a power phrase.

06:14 I could address the behavior by saying something such as the ICR.

06:18 The ICR is a tactic which sounds like this.

06:22 John you just introduced Mark into this conversation and you criticized him personally. You also revealed something sensitive about him to me.

06:29 Was that your intent? And when you say something like that, that is not fun for the other person.

06:35 It feels bad.

06:36 It is not the reaction they were expecting.

06:38 It is not the pattern that they're used to.

06:40 And while it's not punishing them, it's not giving them rewards.

06:44 And they will think to themselves.

06:47 That was not fun like it normally is.

06:48 And they'll go find someone else to gossip with.

06:51 Because I do recognize I cannot change you, but I can train you how to treat me. I can train you that you don't find the rewards that you're looking for.

06:59 When you come to me, we've all probably had the situation where you're looking for some type of validation.

07:05 For example, let's say you're having a terrible day and so you are complaining about things and you go to somebody who, when you complain to them, doesn't respond and kind of ignores the complaints and gives you the look where they're like, I'm not responding to that.

07:18 And you think ugh and you go find someone else who will validate the way you feel, right? We all do that when you're that person who does not give people what they're looking for. They'll go find someone else who will.

07:31 For example, sometimes people are simply dealing with personal tragedy, but whether they're angry or they're sad or they're whatever they are, if they are emotional, we've already talked about how we need to address that emotion before we get to the logic. Let's talk about a few phrases that help us do that, especially if you are a left brained communicator, meaning you're very logical, you're very factual, you tend to tilt your head forward, but never to the side.

07:58 If that's you, it's going to be difficult for you to naturally off the cuff empathize with people. But we don't want to react.

08:05 We want to respond to emotionally charged people.

08:08 And before we get into anything else, step number one, when responding to emotionally charged people is always going to be empathy.

08:17 You always want to use empathy phrases.

08:19 But remember the danger phrase.

08:21 I know exactly how you feel.

08:22 We tend to say that mistakenly trying to connect, but if you use these three phrases when you are empathizing with others, these lead in lines help you empathize the right way.

08:34 You ready? Repeat these after me.

08:36 I understand.

08:38 I can see.

08:40 I realize one more time.

08:43 I understand.

08:45 I can see.

08:46 I realize.

08:48 One more time. And they're yours.

08:49 I understand.

08:51 I can see.

08:52 I realize.

08:54 Sounds simple.

08:55 But remember, when it comes time for you to need those words.

08:59 That's the time when your brain is deactivated on the side where that information lives. So to say to somebody, I understand how upset you are.

09:07 I realize how frustrating this must be.

09:09 I can see this is very difficult for you when you use phrases like that right there. That's enough for most people because you are speaking directly to the right hand side of the brain. It activates the right hand side of the brain.

09:20 People feel that type of empathy, language and empathy phrases as opposed to if we're not thinking, we could very well use a danger phrase that sabotages our success, such as, Oh, I know just how you feel.

09:34 Or even worse.

09:36 You shouldn't feel that way.

09:38 Remember that when we use the wrong words, even with the right intention, can ruin the entire message. And we have to start again and again and again until we recognize that what we need to do is, number one, recognize the rewards that we're giving people and stop giving them.

09:54 When we see patterns of difficult behavior in our life.

09:57 And remember that when you combine our directed or right brain language with l directed or left brained language, when you combine the two of those speak to both sides, you can get people to calm down much more quickly than the average communicator who does not understand even the difference between the left and the right hand side of the brain.

10:19 The average communicator starts out trying to calm people down by saying Calm down and what's the worst thing we could say to somebody when we want them to calm down? Calm down, because no one has ever in the history of the world heard the phrase calm down and said, oh, my gosh, thank you.

10:36 Why didn't I think of that? Oh, my gosh, I feel so tranquil, right? No one's ever done that. So instead, if you combine right directed language such as this must be really frustrating for you and then couple it with can you please tell me exactly what happened? And I'm matching their level of emotion with a different emotion.

10:54 Remember we talked about that one.

10:56 When you can do that, people will be stunned.

10:59 Wait a minute, this person actually cares about me.

11:01 Okay, now I'm unstuck there, but you're asking them to think logically.

11:05 Tell me exactly what happened.

11:06 What time did this happen? Not things such as? Do you remember who you spoke to? Because we all know how aggravating that is.

11:13 If someone's coming to us and they're angry about a situation and you're there to solve it, and instead we ask people things that are aggravating, such as, do you know he spoke with who told you that? So instead, oh my gosh, this must be so frustrating.

11:27 Can you tell me exactly what time this happened? And if you can then add a benefit statement so that I can get to the bottom of this for you so that I can help you.

11:35 There is no stopping you in terms of the progress that you can make and the heights that you will achieve in your communication.

11:42 Now let's finish up talking about a bonus tactic.

11:46 I mentioned it earlier in this presentation and you will find it very useful at work and at home. The ICR.

11:53 Many of us unfortunately struggle with gossip.

11:55 And if you struggle with gossip or backstabbing, it's difficult to stop it because first of all, most of us recognize if I stop the gossip around me, I'm setting myself up to be the person who is now being gossiped about.

12:11 But, you know, I have to do my cost benefit analysis, right? If I stop the gossip around me, the price I pay is well.

12:20 Number one, I won't hear the gossip.

12:21 And 80% of it tends to be true.

12:23 I won't be in the know and I might be the person that's now being discussed when I'm not looking.

12:29 Is it worth it? What price am I paying under normal circumstances for me? I would rather much rather be the person that may be gossiped about because I'm no longer in the loop.

12:40 I'm out of it now because I don't get anything from the gossip.

12:44 And generally the people who gossip with me gossip about me anyway. And there's really no payoff or benefit in any of the circumstances.

12:52 They're not contributors to my personal, professional or spiritual development.

12:57 Therefore, if I want to stop the gossip, it's difficult because generally we don't know what to say. Use an ICR introduced, criticised and revealed.

13:07 Say this after me introduced, criticised and revealed one more time introduced, criticised and revealed.

13:15 It's difficult for us to find the right words in these situations, which is why we want to have a free style script ready, introduced, criticised and revealed.

13:23 If I practice this in advance along with the closing line, when you're dealing with gossip, backstabbing, closing lines can be more important than the opening lines. And I love this closing line.

13:36 You'll love it too, if you start using it.

13:38 Was that your intent? So say that. Was that your intent did it again? Was that your intent one more time? Was that your intent? By the way, remember, watch how the message changes.

13:52 Was that your intent or was that your intent? Totally different messages, right? So the head tilt changes the message from a passive one to an assertive one.

14:03 Now, to put it all together, the average person, when they start engaging in communication that you don't want to reward or engage in or ignore, you want to respond to it. Try something like Mary.

14:13 Mary, you just introduced Margaret into the conversation and you criticized her personally along with revealing sensitive information about her to me.

14:20 Was that your intent? And at that point, 99% of communicators will say, oh, oh, no, no, that's right.

14:28 No, no, never. I would never do that.

14:30 And then you can give them the 3/2 look.

14:34 And they will be so uncomfortable with that conversation because you were direct, clear, honest, upfront and assertive as well as you called them on their behavior and didn't let them out of it, but gave them an opportunity to get themselves off the hook by asking them, was that your intent? And I need people to say that to me.

14:52 I'm sure you have had people say that to you.

14:55 Was that your intent? Is that what you meant to do? And it is giving somebody a little gift.

14:59 We are reminding them, I think you might be going down the wrong path.

15:03 So I'm going to give you a little gift, reminding you, showing you, hey, I'm going to illuminate the way. I don't think you want to go down there.

15:11 Right. And people will be more likely to say, no, thank you very much and stop. But remember, too, when you're dealing with gossip and backstabbing, you might want to set it up by having a little talk with your coworkers using the AEIOU script.

15:26 You know, something simple like, Hey, guys, I need your help.

15:28 I think I engage in gossip too much and it takes away from my professional development in the future. If you see me gossiping, could you help me and pointed out to me so that I don't talk about my friends and I can get more work done? Can I count on you all for that? Once you've done that, then you've set the stage where what I really meant is I'm going to start calling everybody else.

15:46 And that's all right, because now you're clear, upfront and direct.

15:50 And remember that while the goal of dealing with difficult behavior tactics is to get the emotions to calm down, it's to get to the left hand side of the brain. Right brain language is required to get there, especially if you want to get there any time soon.

16:06 So if you are someone whose job is to frequently deal with difficult people who are emotionally charged, but you need to get them to think logically.

16:15 I think of computer helpdesk people a lot when I think of this one.

16:18 What if your job is technical, but the people who come to you are always emotional, they're upset, learn how to use right brain directed or are directed tactics that address the emotion and then quickly get to the logic such as the preemptive strike and danger phrases specifically for left brainers who are dealing with right brained, emotionally charged people, for example.

16:44 I understand and I apologize.

16:46 Say that out loud. I understand and I apologize.

16:50 Now, say this. You're right.

16:53 You're right.

16:54 When we are emotionally out of control, simply hearing the phrase you're right can trigger someone's right brain to get unstuck with that one little phrase. And we don't need to go into detail.

17:05 I'm not saying, oh, you're right, we're liable.

17:07 You're wrong, we're right. We made a mistake simply saying to somebody, You're right, someone needs to fix this immediately.

17:13 You're right. This can be really frustrating.

17:16 That's all they need to hear use the phrase out loud with me.

17:19 Unbelievable. Say that.

17:21 Unbelievable. One more time.

17:23 Unbelievable. Say it again.

17:26 Unbelievable. People can describe things to you or ask you questions or say things that you may not have a response to, but you can tell they're upset.

17:37 You know, this happened to me and I'm really upset.

17:39 How do we respond sometimes while being honest, while not wasting a bunch of time, while sounding empathetic? A simple, unbelievable can cover so many different situations.

17:49 It can even cover those situations where when you come into work, people who really don't care ask you things like, Hey, how was your weekend? And we're supposed to be honest and we're supposed to be positive and we're supposed to not waste time.

18:00 It's amazing how many times you can say to people, Unbelievable, goodbye.

18:04 And you have covered all of the different theories.

18:06 Remember the phrase, You're in luck.

18:09 Say that out loud. You're in luck when you tell somebody you're in luck.

18:15 It releases positive chemicals in their brain that makes them feel good.

18:18 So I can say to the average person, what happened to you? That is horrible.

18:23 But you know what? You're in luck.

18:24 My name is Dan, and I know I can help you with this if you can give me a chance.

18:28 Simple. Or you can use phrases such as you found the right person.

18:33 When you tell somebody you found the right person.

18:35 That many times is all they need to hear because we all know what it's like. You can look forever and you will never find the right person who will help you. Simply saying to somebody, What happened to you? That is horrible. And you know what? You're in luck. My name is Dan, and you found the right person I know I can help you with. This does not mean I'm going to solve your problem personally.

18:56 It means I'm not going to abandon you.

18:58 I'm going to usher you to where you need to go.

19:01 And no matter what your position is in any company, you can always be the right person.

19:05 People can always be in luck to find you.

19:07 So I can use many of these phrases that can activate the right hand side of the brain and make people feel as if.

19:13 I found the right person.

19:15 And you know what we're doing? Remember, we talked about ping activating the vagus nerve.

19:20 The vagus nerve is that nerve that goes from there to there using phrases such as, if you can just give me a chance.

19:26 Does that when you say to the average upset person who you want to just stop? If you say so and so I can see how upset you are and I can understand why. And you are in luck.

19:38 My name is Dan and if you can just give me a chance, I know that I can solve this problem for you. What more could you possibly say? Most people, even when they're acting unreasonably, are reasonable.

19:49 And those types of phrases that we just used trigger things in most people that make them stop and think.

19:57 All right. I'm going to give this person a chance.

19:59 And you can be that person if you have the right words.

20:03 The last phrase I'd like to give you before we move along from this subject is the preemptive strike.

20:09 You will find this really useful if you're in a position where you're constantly delivering messages that you know the people to whom you're delivering these messages do not want to hear.

20:19 For example, if you frequently in your job have to say things such as, oh, I need you to call a different number, or, Oh, you need to come back tomorrow, or Oh, whatever it is. We all know what the messages are that our customers or co-workers don't want to hear from us. But we keep saying them.

20:36 You know, let's say that we need to tell an employee that, no, they can not have the time off that they requested.

20:41 And we know that's not what they want to hear.

20:44 How can you soften the blow so that you have less of a negative impact on the other person? Simple use the preemptive strike.

20:52 Use a phrase such as I realize or I understand, and then describe the emotion that you believe they're about to have based on the message you're about to deliver.

21:01 And it lets the person know you're a real person and you see me.

21:07 And that sometimes all it takes to get people unstuck.

21:11 For example.

21:13 You want to take this Friday off? I realize this is not the answer you're looking for, but unfortunately, I have to tell you no. Oh, Mrs.

21:21 Jones, you've been on hold for half an hour.

21:24 Well, I understand this is probably going to be very aggravating for you to hear, but unfortunately, I'm going to have to ask you to call so-and-so who's the right person for this. Whatever the message that you have to deliver is, if you know that the person doesn't want to hear it say that.

21:39 Many of us try to avoid saying that because we think maybe if I just pretend it'll go away, things go away when we address them.

21:48 In this lecture, you learned how to avoid making the three most common mistakes that professional communicators generally make when dealing with difficult people, as well as how to practice goat hiding or basically not engaging with different, difficult people.

22:03 And finally, you learned how to combine left brained as well as right brain language to accomplish your communication goal quickly and easily when someone is emotionally charged.