Projecting the Image of an Active Listener

00:01 In this lecture, you'll learn about active listening.

00:04 You'll learn what it really is, how to project the image of an active listener.

00:09 And you'll learn a simple technique to gather and retain more information while you're listening. Let's start out talking about exactly what active listening is. Many times people will be told you need to work on your listening skills, but they don't know what to do.

00:25 Have you ever been told that you need to work on your listening skills? If so, what did you do differently after that? Many times when people talk about listening or when people try to work on their listening skills, they don't really know what it means to be an active listener and they don't know what steps to take.

00:44 You will know exactly what steps to take.

00:47 There is a simple process that helps you project the image of an active listener and gather more information at the same time.

00:54 We're going to be talking about that.

00:55 But first, I'd like you to look at a picture of someone who is listening to someone else.

01:00 Are you ready? I'd like you to quickly judge.

01:03 Is the man in this picture actively listening to the woman in this picture? You ready? Go.

01:09 What do you think? All right.

01:12 Take note of what you thought.

01:14 If he is listening or if he isn't listening, if he is actively listening or not.

01:19 And later on, we're going to discuss why you thought what you thought, because most of the signals that we send when we are listening are nonverbal.

01:27 Of course, there are nonverbal signals that we send as we're listening, as well as verbal signals. But we're going to focus the next few minutes on nonverbal signals.

01:37 The tactic that you're going to learn now is a simple tactic that you can use the next time you're in a position where you're listening to someone and you want them to know that you're listening and that you are an active listener.

01:49 You ready? This is the soften.

01:53 The soften is something that you can do the next time you're in a position where you want to ensure that you're hitting all of your cues, that you're hitting all of your marks, that you're doing everything that you can to tell the other person that you're listening to them and make them feel as though you're engaged with what they're saying.

02:10 The soften technique consists of six steps.

02:14 Here they are. Step number one, let's start with the S.

02:20 The S stands for Smile, but it doesn't literally mean you have to smile as you're listening to somebody.

02:26 Sometimes when people listen to others and as they relax and engage and actually pay attention, their face sends a message that says.

02:37 Oh, I wish you'd stop talking.

02:39 So if you have been listening to someone in the past and as they talk, they stop. And they say.

02:46 What's wrong? And you say.

02:49 Nothing. I'm listening to you.

02:51 Then this message is especially for you.

02:53 What it means is don't always focus on smiling, but be aware of the expression on your face.

02:59 So be conscious.

03:00 What is my face saying? Am I showing I'm engaged or am I showing I'm bored? So simply pay attention to the expression on your face.

03:09 Be conscious of it because it is sending a message.

03:13 O Open posture.

03:15 We've talked a lot about body language in these lectures.

03:19 The simple thing you want to do when you're listening is just make sure that your chest is exposed. You can be leaning forward, you can be leaning back, you can be leaning to the side. But to have open posture means your shoulders are back and your chest is open. Ready to receive a message, you'll notice that in the image the man is standing with not only his chest open, but his palms up.

03:40 There are many different signals that you can send to show that you're listening, but in general, simply having an open posture with your shoulders back is going to suffice.

03:49 F lean forward.

03:52 Let's just say that I were to tell you a secret.

03:56 And that secret was the winning lottery numbers that are going to be on television tonight. I have access to them.

04:03 Would you like to know them? There are many times where, as communicators, we need to act ourselves into a new way of thinking, as we've discussed before.

04:11 So if you find yourself in a challenge paying attention to somebody because they're not as skilled as others in their oratory capabilities, act like they're fascinating. Leaning forward, watching your expression, keeping open posture is going to send the message that you're a more active listener and you'll actually start to become a better listener.

04:32 T tell people you're listening to them.

04:36 It sounds simple, but most of us, as we are listening, don't actually tell people we're listening.

04:42 And I mean verbally. A simple way to tell people that you're listening is to use the key word recognition and feedback.

04:49 The key word recognition and feedback is while you're listening to people, you want to recognize the key words that they use.

04:57 Here's what I mean by that.

04:58 We might have a huge vocabulary, but even if you have a huge vocabulary, you don't use all of those words all the time.

05:05 Most of us have a really small group of words that we recycle all the time and we drop key words into our verbal repertoire that signal what we're really focused on.

05:17 For example, let's say that I'm going to use a lot of words right now that you'll be very familiar with. However, a couple of them are going to be words that we do not use on a daily basis.

05:28 Those are the key words that I'm going to drop in.

05:31 Those are going to be the things that are most important to me.

05:34 All right. Here's an example.

05:36 I'm a customer of yours who's upset.

05:38 So I call you up and I say, I am really angry because yesterday I was treated poorly and I've been a loyal customer of yours for 20 years.

05:46 What are you going to do about it? What do you do? What are the key words that I just used? All of the words that I use just now are common words.

05:55 I'm sure you're familiar with all of them, but there was one key word that I dropped in.

05:59 And when I say it was a key word, it was a word that, although you're familiar with, you don't hear all the time.

06:05 And chances are you don't use very often, except for those occasions where there's something that you want to specifically express.

06:13 And that word when you use it is going to be a key that reveals what's important to you.

06:18 What was a key word that I just used when I said something along the lines of what happened yesterday made me angry.

06:25 I don't deserve treatment like that.

06:27 I've been a loyal customer of yours for 20 years.

06:29 What was the word? Loyal, although you're, I'm sure, familiar with the word loyal. How often do you use it? How often do you say that you are loyal? How often do others talk to you about their own loyalty? Not often. So if you start to listen to people during the active listening process and look for key words, you'll notice.

06:50 Oh, that's a key word. That's a key word.

06:52 Words that people simply don't use every day that's going to be expressing what's important to them. And all you do once you recognize them is when there's a break in conversation and you can tell that they're waiting for something from you.

07:04 Feedback. The key words.

07:06 For example, let's say that I were talking to a customer such as the one I just described, and there was a break in conversation and I could recognize that the customer is waiting for me to say something.

07:16 If I were to paraphrase, as many people do, and say something such as, you know, you're right, Mr. Johnson, you don't deserve treatment like that.

07:23 You've been a great customer all of these years.

07:26 He's going to be thinking, Mm hmm.

07:28 You don't get it. However, if I were to say You're right, Mr.

07:32 Johnson, and a loyal customer like you deserves better than that, then he would think he's listening.

07:38 Why? Because I picked up the key word and fed it back.

07:41 An eye contact is something we talk a lot about, but many people actually make mistakes with eye contact and use it too much.

07:48 For example, if you are in a conversation or an interview or some situation where you believe I'm kind of on the spot here, I'm needing to pull out all of my communication skills.

07:59 So I'm going to keep the eye contact and you make the eye contact and you don't break the eye contact and you keep looking at the person throughout the whole meeting without breaking the eye contact.

08:09 You will start to look as though you are mentally unstable and you will start to look aggressive. Remember, I talk a lot about dogs and if you have a dog and you look into the dog's eyes, the dog will look back at you and then look away within a couple of seconds. If it's a passive dog, if the dog that you're holding looks back into your eyes and holds the gaze for more than 7 seconds, you have to be aware that that dog is more aggressive by nature.

08:34 And the same thing applies to humans when we communicate with one another.

08:38 If the eye contact is held for more than 7 seconds, that's a sign of aggression in human beings. And so if you are in a meeting or in some situation and you deliberately don't break the eye contact, people will start to feel uncomfortable.

08:50 And if you simply if you recognize that a few seconds have passed, maybe it's getting close to seven, you simply look over the shoulder and back.

08:59 As you're listening to them, they will see that as normal and it will break the eye contact so that you aren't seen as aggressive simply because you're trying to hold the eye contact.

09:09 And remember that if you're somebody who as you maintain eye contact, your eyes are a little bit wider than the average person's eyes.

09:16 If you look in the mirror or look at yourself in pictures and you see the whole iris of your eye, remember that that is a sign of aggression.

09:23 So people, if they have told you things such as you can be a little intimidating sometimes notice am I showing the entire iris of my eye unintentionally because that's a sign of aggression and that could make people feel uncomfortable.

09:35 It's also, if you can see the whole iris, a sign of psychosis and it could make you appear to be a little off.

09:41 So watch the eye contact.

09:43 Look at yourself in pictures and in the mirror.

09:45 Don't show the whole iris of your eye.

09:47 Lower the lids to cover the top.

09:49 And don't hold it for more than 7 seconds.

09:50 Or you run the risk of appearing off balance and aggressive.

09:56 And nod. If you are listening to somebody and you don't nod your head, it appears as though you're not listening.

10:03 But men and women, when we not our heads, we tend to send different signals.

10:07 For example, if I'm listening to you as a man and I do this.

10:12 What message am I most probably sending you? The real message. What am I probably thinking that I'm sending with this? And how about women? If a woman is listening to you and she nods her head, what message is she sending? I realize again, not all men are the same.

10:29 Not all women are the same.

10:30 But in general, if a woman nods her head, she tends to be saying to us, I'm listening to you.

10:37 I understand what you're saying.

10:39 A man, however, only nods his head.

10:41 In general, when we find a point of agreement and we're saying, yes, I agree with what you're saying. So in general, a man is saying yes.

10:49 A woman is saying, I'm listening and I understand.

10:52 So many men, we don't knot our heads until we find a point of agreement which can send a message. We're not interested or we're not listening.

10:59 However, you might find it difficult if you're a man to nod your head because you don't want to send a message that you agree when you don't.

11:05 In that case, tilt your head to the side and not it.

11:08 Because this message is very different from this message.

11:12 Right? This message can say easily.

11:15 I understand. Yes.

11:17 This message says, hmm, I'm listening to what you're saying.

11:21 And if that's difficult for you to do, practice it so that it's no longer difficult.

11:25 Because if you can incorporate the entire soften process as you're listening, simply lean forward a little bit, make sure that you have open posture, maintain the eye contact, but not too much.

11:35 Watch the expression on your face and nod your head.

11:38 Just that is going to ensure if you do it, that you will hear people say, you will hear this.

11:46 Thank you for being such a good listener.

11:48 And if you do not hear that now, if you're someone who doesn't hear people tell you, thank you for being such a good listener, what that means is you are not a good listener because when people tell you you are, that means you are.

11:59 When they don't tell you that you are.

12:01 That means you're not.

12:02 Remember that it is not up to us to judge our own listening skills.

12:06 If somebody says to you, you need to work on your listening skills, that means you do. It is not up to us to judge our communication skills or our listening skills. It is up to others.

12:18 So if you hear that you need to work on your listening skills, watch, implement that strategy, and you will hear the opposite like that.

12:26 Now, I'd like you to take what we've learned and look at that picture again of the man and ask yourself, why did I judge him quickly to be an active listener or not an active listener? Look at the signals that he's sending.

12:40 Do you see them? If you couldn't pinpoint them before, you can clearly see now he's leaning in.

12:46 He has open posture.

12:48 His head is tilted a little to the side as if he's nodding.

12:51 He has a pleasant expression on his face, as if he's enjoying being there and all of those things put together in the flash of a picture show.

12:59 He's actively listening.

13:01 The next time when you need to show that you're actively listening, if you do that, you'll get the same result. People will know in an instant that you are listening.

13:09 Here's a little tip.

13:10 The brain finds it easier to remember things when you make a visual association, paint a visual picture and make an association.

13:20 Here's what I mean by that.

13:21 Let's say that you meet somebody and her name is Sally.

13:25 How do you remember Sally's name? If you're like many of us, what happens is you meet people, you go away, and then you forget the person's name.

13:33 And it's embarrassing. The next time you have to go meet them and say, What was your name again? But remember, if you have a strategy for remembering things like this one I'm going to give you, your memory can actually be strengthened.

13:44 You can be better at remembering things when you start by using simple systems. When you meet somebody, if you as you meet them, number one, use their name three times.

13:55 And number two, associate them with someone else who has the same name as they do.

14:01 For example, if you meet somebody named Sally, do you know anybody or anything named Sally? Because if, for example, you have seen the movie Harry and Sally, you know that. You know those names, Harry and Sally, not something that you forget.

14:15 Make a visual association with the person that you just met.

14:19 Meaning when you meet them, use their name three times.

14:22 Hi, Sally. So, Sally, tell me about this.

14:25 It was nice to meet you, Sally.

14:26 And as you're looking at them picture, for example, Harry standing next to her and touching her.

14:34 Now the touching part is important because in your visual associations you want to connect what it is that you're visualising with the person or the thing that you want to remember. And so if you look at somebody and you picture, and if you can make it humorous, if you picture, for example, Harry touching that person, you will remember Sally.

14:56 If, for example, you meet somebody who's named Patty, if you remember Patty from the Peanuts comic, if you picture, for example, Snoopy and Charlie sitting with Patty and touching her, the next time you meet Patty, you'll be more likely to remember.

15:14 Who is that associate her with? Oh, yeah, Patty.

15:17 If you make associations.

15:19 Visual associations that touch one another.

15:23 Your brain finds that much, much easier to remember than things like. Her name is Sally or her name is Patty.

15:31 There are many techniques that you can learn to improve your memory.

15:33 That's just one. But it's great for remembering names so that, again, you can appear to be an active, engaged listener.

15:41 In this lecture, you learned what active listening really means.

15:45 You also learned how to project the image of an active listener and a couple of strategies that you can use as you're listening to let the person know you're listening verbally as well as retain more information.